I am rather anxious today. I think it has to do with the medication(s) I am on at the moment. Doctor changed some medications, added some, did some other things put me back on medications I haven’t been on in a while…the same ol’ same ol’. Anti-Psychotic meds work wonders when they work, they’re amazing. When your mind doesn’t want them to work? Well, that’s when things become quite a problem. I hate to admit it, but life doesn’t always work the way we want it to work. What can I say? It’s a mess at times. There’s nothing wrong with that, but to say it’s not complex is a complete overhaul of whatever there is. Talk about a mixed bag of nuts. Someone doesn’t understand everything there is to understand about it all. If I wasn’t anxious, today would be a better day than it is. But, well I am so there’s nothing I can do about it. I wish there was…but there isn’t so I’ll just have to deal with whatever comes my way. Such a bummer if you think about it all. Nothing is ever cureable. Every...
I'm feeling rather defeated lately. I don't know where it's coming from. I feel down, stressed out to the max and just tired. There's no other way to describe it for me. I want it all to end. I want to be happy again. I want to feel the sunlight on my skin and actually feel something. Instead, I feel dead inside. The feelings I feel are dark, and lonely. There's not much else going on with them. I feel alone. If I could find a different way to exist, I would do it. But I'm not sure I can at the moment. The depression has taken me to a very dark place.
Life doesn't feel enjoyable anymore. I don't feel like doing anything. Nothing excites me like it used to. This life feels boring and unfulfilling. I'm not sure why I am feeling this way, I just am. It sucks. I imagine days where I am better. Days where I actually feel something. I feel what it's like to be alive. I feel what it's like to understand happiness. All those things that I don't feel at the moment. All because of something.
Is it a chemical imbalance in my brain? I don't know. I'm not sure what's causing all of this depression. It would be nice to be able to understand what's going on with me, but I do not. I don't think I could comprehend what is going on with me if I did understand. There are so many thoughts in my head, negative thoughts that won't go away. My brain is used to them floating around in there, I think, so it doesn't act like there's an alarm going off. There should be an alarm going off, because I don't want to live right now.
What I wouldn't give to feel normal again. But what exactly is normal? I guess I'm talking about my version of normal. The one where I'm not depressed, or anxious, or feeling any of these feelings I am dealing with all at once. They are rather annoying, and I don't have a clue why I feel this way. I want to understand what is wrong with me. There's something wrong with me, right? Am I just crazy?! I hate to think that I was crazy. That kind of thinking is bad for me. I'm not sure I am able to elaborate what is going on in my mind. I will try though.
It feels like a war of voices. All going on inside my head. Some voices are good; the rest are bad. There are no neutral voices in my mind. The bad voices tend to threaten me the most. They yell and scream expecting me to listen to them because they are so loud. They demand attention. There is nothing I can do about them being there. It doesn't feel like I can escape those voices at all. It is a sad thought if you think about it.
The good voices, well they aren't as loud as the bad voices. They seem to be timid about telling me I'll be okay. I don't know why that is. You would think they would be cheering me on. But they don't. They don't appear to be too worried about my welfare. I don't get it.
I feel like screaming at the top of my lungs hoping to get a breath of air. A break if you will. From everything that is going on in my mind. But I don't think that is possible. I don't know how else to deal with it. Life doesn't feel fair at the moment. It doesn't feel like I am able to talk about whatever is bothering me. Yet I still try anyways. There has to be a reason for all of this. The war must come to an end. I have a feeling one side will eventually take out the other side. I'm just scared of which side will win. I feel like I'm backing the losing side.
Every day is a constant battle for me. I get up and repeat the battle from the day before with little change to the script. It's not like I enjoy it. When was war ever enjoyed? Exactly. Life will continue on this way for, I don't know how long it will be this way. I just know that's the way it is right now. I don't know how to stop it. I can only try and survive it. If I can't survive it, then I have lost and that doesn't feel like a good idea to me.
It has to stop.
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