I Hate Life

 I wish I could just tur over and die already. I am not a fan of life. It hurts, there are too many things going on and not enough time to do them in. My heart is heavy today. It's been heavy for a while now; I haven't been paying attention to it. Well things are coming to a head. I wish I could make the pain go away. But I can't. So much pain going through my head right now. I suffer because of it and it shows. To some people, they might not see it. I can put on a happy face. But to others who really know me, they see though the face and see what's going on. I need to figure out how I got to this place and free myself from it. Luckly therapy is coming up; I'll be able to figure out something by then I hope. Hope is such a broad term isn't it. You can say you hope for a million things. You can hope all you want; those millions of things aren't going to be happening.

Nothing seems to really matter anymore. I don't know how else to put it. Something's got to give. I just don't know what that something is yet. I wish I was okay mentally. But I'm not, and that scares me. But so many things scare me these days. There's nothing I can do about it really. Life just continues to move forward leaving me behind and I have to play catch up. I'm not that great of playing catch up mind you. I try my best, but I still lack a certain finesse in doing it. Whatever happens, here I am.

I've been feeling lost lately. There's nothing really to say about it, I just feel lost like I have no place to go. There needs to be a way to overcome these thoughts and feelings I have. I try to stop thinking about them, but I don't seem to know how to do that. So many wishes I have, and I can't seem to find the answer to the one wish I most desire. It seems silly if you think about it. I just wish I knew.

But I don't know now do I? No, I didn't think so. I will eventually figure out a way to move past all of this pain and suffering. Eventually. I just don't know how to do that right now.