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Blast From The Past: January 7, 2020

Tue Jan 7 19:39:37 MST 2020 Let’s talk about today than shall we? I’d like to think it would be a nice moment in time if we could simply get along with everything that happens in this life, yet I doubt it will. It’s a shame if you think about it. A real shame. But what are you going to do with any of it? No one knows exactly. So here we sit waiting for something better to come along, hoping for something to happen and allowing us to actually see what is real and what isn’t.
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Mental Break

 I'm on the verge of a mental break; I can feel it. I would rather not go through this. But I don't know what to do about it. There has to be a way of combatting this feeling. I don't want to be put back in a psych ward for who knows how long. I don't want to be there. It feels like a waste of time to be honest. I wish I could overcome these feelings I'm having. Anything will do; I just don't want these feelings. Not everyone understands what's going on with me. Either they don't care or don't want to listen. They say they don't understand. If they don't understand then they should educate themselves. All it takes is a Google search. Oh, that pisses me off the most. I don't understand so I won't help you. That kind of mentality doesn't make sense to me.

So many things I wish for. People to understand me is one of those wishes. My own family to understand me and what's going on is one of those wishes. I try to explain it to them. They either don't want to listen, or they just won't listen. I don't know what the difference is between the two. But it's not good.

I want my brain to give me a break. It's working overtime it feels like to keep me sane. There's not much I can do about it. It feels so weird to be saying this. But I wish my brain could just take a holiday. Not worry about anything, not stress about anything. It needs to calm down somehow. I don't know how it will calm down but that's one thing it has to do before I can feel normal again.

Hell, what even is "normal?" How does it feel? What does it feel like? I'm not sure I've ever known what normal has felt like. It's a shame really. I want so many things for my life. Feeling normal is one of them. I don't feel normal. I feel off. I don't know which way I'm supposed to go anymore. It's all a blur. I'm sure eventually it will come about, when that time will come. I have no clue. I look forward to that day.

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