I am rather anxious today. I think it has to do with the medication(s) I am on at the moment. Doctor changed some medications, added some, did some other things put me back on medications I haven’t been on in a while…the same ol’ same ol’. Anti-Psychotic meds work wonders when they work, they’re amazing. When your mind doesn’t want them to work? Well, that’s when things become quite a problem. I hate to admit it, but life doesn’t always work the way we want it to work. What can I say? It’s a mess at times. There’s nothing wrong with that, but to say it’s not complex is a complete overhaul of whatever there is. Talk about a mixed bag of nuts. Someone doesn’t understand everything there is to understand about it all. If I wasn’t anxious, today would be a better day than it is. But, well I am so there’s nothing I can do about it. I wish there was…but there isn’t so I’ll just have to deal with whatever comes my way. Such a bummer if you think about it all. Nothing is ever cureable. Every...
This life just feels impossible right now. I don't know what to do about it. I wish I did, but I don't. There just doesn't seem any hope right now. I need to be able to figure all of this out. Right now, I need it figured out. I don't know how to go about doing that though. If I had the ability to do something about these feelings, I would. But I don't think there's anything that can be done about it, not yet. Maybe someday I will be able to handle things better.
My emotions are running high today. I don't like it. Mentally I am drained. Physically I am exhausted. There needs to be something I can do, anything that's possible has to be done. But what exactly is that? I don't know. If I knew, I wouldn't be trying to handle all of this as it is. So many things running through my mind and I don't have a clue how to deal with any of them. How do I let go of this pain and anguish? There must be a way to overcome all of this. Not all at once of course, but somehow, I need to be able to overcome it. How do I do that exactly?
Man, I wish I knew what to do about this whole situation that has become my life. There doesn't seem to be a way to do it. Nothing I know of can make things better. Nothing I know of can make things not impossible. Life just feels impossible right now. There's nothing I am able to do about it all. There are too many "if only" in my life right now. I wonder if there is a way to escape my thoughts. You know the ones, those thoughts that manage to enter the mind without provocation? Yeah those. Intrusive thoughts are the worst.
If I could handle what's going on I wouldn't be having these problems, I guess. That would be a piece of cake wouldn't it. So, I just keep walking and try to figure myself out. If I can figure myself out that is. I don't know how that will be possible. I mean what happens if I can't make things make sense? What then? Oh, all the things that I wish were possible. Out of all of those things, I simply wish I could figure something out. I would take anything at this point in time. What's left is left and there's nothing else to be done about it I suppose.
This life is just too complex at the moment. There needs to be a way around all of this. I don't know how to go about it all. I know I'm talking in riddles; nothing makes sense anymore. It all needs to stop though. I do not know how to make that happen. If I could figure it all out, don't you think I would by now? One would think so. So many wishes and I don't know how to make them come true.
I need a breather. A time to reflect and rest on whatever there is to rest about. I'm not quite certain what I would do if life could slow down even for a moment. I feel like screaming. But I can't find my voice to do so. My voice is not there anymore. I do not know how to deal with that. When you can't scream and your lungs won't let you, there is no point in any of it anymore. I think that's how it goes.
I want out of this life. I want out. There doesn't appear to be a way out though. I am stuck. Stuck in time, always moving forward but no way to go back. If only I had the ability to move back and forth through time as I wished. I would find a point in time where I was most content and just stay there forever. So, I am conflicted in that which is life. A life that will go nowhere without the possibility to continue forward.
Life needs to have a purpose. A meaning in order to continue forward. I do not know what that meaning is. Since life will not end for me, I must continue to see what else is out there. That is all there is to this life anymore. To see what is out there.
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