More Dreams

 Had some crazy dreams last night. Some to do with an ex, some to do with my mental health. It was all wild. Frankly I'm glad I woke up; I don't like those kinds of dreams. Possibly things I worry about. I don't know. I was in a hospital for some of the dream. Like a mental hospital. Things seem to be creeping up on me, and I don't even realize it. I was talking to someone telling them I don't feel mentally fit for anything right now. I'd have to agree with that thought process. But I still forge forward and see what's out there. There's no point in stopping now.

Going forward is really the only possibility in my life right now. If I were to stop, I would have to completely freeze time. There's no ability to do that though, you see. No one can stop time. No one can simply freeze that which is constantly moving forward at one second at a time. It must continue. There is no other reason for it but to move. We are but a sailing ship in the deep ocean of time. You can only go forward; you cannot go backwards. Memories serve their purpose this is true, but they can only go so far.

I feel dreams serve their purpose from time to time. There is nothing wrong with that. They have a destination to reach, even if it's not in this lifetime. Dreams can warn you of things to come, help analyze things that have already passed and think about things as they currently are. There is nothing that can exchange these things for another. Only through dreams are they made possible.

The fears are real. Fears of mental health overcoming me. I don't know how else to describe it. Mental health is a dangerous area to play with. When you feel overcome and don't have a fighting chance for any of it, you have got to wonder why you feel this way. I feel this way because I simply don't have the ability to figure everything out. It would be nice to be able to understand everything that is going on with my life, but I'm not certain I ever will be able to. I have a diagnosis and that's pretty much it. Therapists have tried to help me, but I never stick with one long enough to complete the circle. It's a shame really, I need to find one that I can stick with and simply have the courage to move forward in life. Someday it will happen. Someday it will take place. I can feel it.

Life has many surprises to it. Dreams are one of those surprises. There is nothing else to do with any of it. I'm not sure what to make of them most of the time. There are days where I simply do not have an idea left in me to make up for any of it. I get scared easily and that makes me irritated. There is nothing I am able to do about it. The anxiety ruffles my feathers. The depression deepens and there I am sitting waiting for something else to fall from the sky. Squishing me into the dark. What more must I suffer from these illnesses? How much longer must I deal with them! I keep asking these questions over and over again. I do not know the answer to any of them. It feels like there is no hope for me.

Feeling this way is not good. There has to be hope for something. The future, the present? I do not know which will prevail. Life has the ability to mess with my mind at times. There are too many unanswered questions that I wish I knew the answer to. I want to know that which comes after this life. I mean I have a general knowledge of it, but I want to know more. Maybe it's not good to know more. Maybe it's good to simply let it go and try and be at peace. The more I know the more trouble I could get into. I don't' know.

I fear some stupid things, that's for sure. But the afterlife? Come on now. There should be no fear of the afterlife. It will be a paradise full of love. Hatred will be gone. There's more to it than we currently know. I can't wait for it. I don't want to go through the process of death and all of that pain and misery, but I want to get to the other side. There's nothing wrong with that is there? Is there? I hope there's nothing wrong with that thought process. Life is just a jumble of mixed emotions and feelings. I do not know how to comprehend them all. There is so much I want to get right in this life. So much more I want to understand about death and what comes after death. I don't know how long I've got to be honest. No one does. It can all go in an instant. Sometimes I wish it would go in an instant, then I could see beyond what is here. I don't know if that's depression talking, or what. But it is what it is.

There are so many questions in this life that have yet to be answered. I don't know when or if we will ever receive the answers. But I do know that there are answers out there to every question we come across. Maybe someday we will hear all there is to learn about the questions and the answers that are to come.

So many things have to happen in our lifetime in order for this world to be done with its work. I do not know what those things are, but there are things that must come to pass. We wait for our Lord and Redeemer to come back to us. But if we are not ready for that, why should He come? There's no reason for it. Life is just another steppingstone on the way to the end. That's all there is to it. Nothing more.