Thoughts Overwhelming

So many thoughts today going on in my head. They are overwhelming at times. I don't know what to do about them. They're just there doing their thing without a reason or response to my query. I wish I had the ability to get rid of these thoughts, feelings, and emotions. But I don't know how to do that. They swarm in without letting me breathe. I can say things would be better, but would they really? I'm not so sure about that. Many times, in this life, I am confused about what to think about it all. I don't think there is an easy answer for any of it though, so I continue onward thinking things will just get better. Call me messed up, call me whatever you will. I know there are problems with me. There's no secret to that. It's not some kind of thing I tend to hide.

Wishing one was dead isn't to be taken lightly. I know that. Yet it doesn't stop me from wishing that were the case. Death sounds like a nice escape from it all. Just to be on the other side with family. I wish I could do something like that. It simply would be nice, I think.

I freeze when thinking sometimes. There doesn't seem to be a point to any of it though. I wish I had an idea of what to do about it. I mean I almost completely shut down when this happens. Not a thought enters my mind about what's going on. Now this can be nice at times, other times it can be downright infuriating. When I want to think about something I need to be able to think about it. Not wait for my mind to play catch up.

I want to die
there's nothing left
for me to realize
it's all a mess
if only I could move on
into that great unknown
to a beyond which is new
to some distant star
everything comes to an end
I would think at some point
nothing lasts forever
and that's a shame

If I had the ability to figure this life out, I would by now. But I can't so I won't even try. There's no point in trying to figure everything that's wrong with me out at this time and point in life. Whatever happens to this life will happen. I have no say in how it will go or end up. Is there a point to any of it? I do not know.

Suicidal Ideation

Over the years I've had to deal with suicidal ideation. Those are thoughts of being dead, some more extreme than others. It causes issues for me a lot of the time. It's not an easy thing to talk about at all. Here's what it is: Suicidal ideation ( suicidal thoughts ) are thoughts or ideas centered around death or suicide . Experiencing suicidal ideation doesn’t mean you’re going to kill yourself, but it can be a warning sign.

Didn't Sleep

What's the point of sleep anymore if I can't sleep? I don't think I slept any good last night. I was awake at 3 am wondering to myself, what on earth am I doing awake? Yeah, that happened. It doesn't make any sense. Fortunately, it's the weekend. So, I can catch up on sleep tonight. I don't have to be anywhere tomorrow, so it's a good opportunity to actually sleep for once. Whatever the case, I hope I'll be able to fall asleep and stay asleep. We will see what happens.

Babylon 5 Destruction

I always get emotional watching the last episode of Babylon 5. Especially the destruction of the station. There are so many good memories of the series that it's just emotional watching JMS flipping the switch and the station exploding as the last transport leaves. It's like oh the series is really over. The station has served its purpose not needed anymore. Was peace ever really achieved though? It makes me wonder. I've only watched the series once all the way through, I'm on a second rewatch. One of my favorite characters is Mr. Morden. I'm not sure why that's the case, he's creepy as all get out. I just know that he intrigues me for some reason or another. Kosh is also a mystery, but he's meant to be that way. He's an alien that no one seems to understand or grasp. The whole story arc is simply amazing. It was television ahead of its time. I'm glad it was made. Talk about a brilliant television series. It was one of the first serialized shows...

DreamSense

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