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Anxious Today, WTF?

I am rather anxious today. I think it has to do with the medication(s) I am on at the moment. Doctor changed some medications, added some, did some other things put me back on medications I haven’t been on in a while…the same ol’ same ol’. Anti-Psychotic meds work wonders when they work, they’re amazing. When your mind doesn’t want them to work? Well, that’s when things become quite a problem. I hate to admit it, but life doesn’t always work the way we want it to work. What can I say? It’s a mess at times. There’s nothing wrong with that, but to say it’s not complex is a complete overhaul of whatever there is. Talk about a mixed bag of nuts. Someone doesn’t understand everything there is to understand about it all. If I wasn’t anxious, today would be a better day than it is. But, well I am so there’s nothing I can do about it. I wish there was…but there isn’t so I’ll just have to deal with whatever comes my way. Such a bummer if you think about it all. Nothing is ever cureable. Every...
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Thoughts Overwhelming

 So many thoughts today going on in my head. They are overwhelming at times. I don't know what to do about them. They're just there doing their thing without a reason or response to my query. I wish I had the ability to get rid of these thoughts, feelings, and emotions. But I don't know how to do that. They swarm in without letting me breathe. I can say things would be better, but would they really? I'm not so sure about that. Many times, in this life, I am confused about what to think about it all. I don't think there is an easy answer for any of it though, so I continue onward thinking things will just get better. Call me messed up, call me whatever you will. I know there are problems with me. There's no secret to that. It's not some kind of thing I tend to hide.

Wishing one was dead isn't to be taken lightly. I know that. Yet it doesn't stop me from wishing that were the case. Death sounds like a nice escape from it all. Just to be on the other side with family. I wish I could do something like that. It simply would be nice, I think.

I freeze when thinking sometimes. There doesn't seem to be a point to any of it though. I wish I had an idea of what to do about it. I mean I almost completely shut down when this happens. Not a thought enters my mind about what's going on. Now this can be nice at times, other times it can be downright infuriating. When I want to think about something I need to be able to think about it. Not wait for my mind to play catch up.

I want to die
there's nothing left
for me to realize
it's all a mess
if only I could move on
into that great unknown
to a beyond which is new
to some distant star
everything comes to an end
I would think at some point
nothing lasts forever
and that's a shame

If I had the ability to figure this life out, I would by now. But I can't so I won't even try. There's no point in trying to figure everything that's wrong with me out at this time and point in life. Whatever happens to this life will happen. I have no say in how it will go or end up. Is there a point to any of it? I do not know.

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