What Does My Existence Matter?

 What does my existence matter? To whom does it matter?

If you're saying God. I don't believe that. He hasn't bothered to make himself known in my life, so why should I think he cares? I don't know what that makes me, but I sure aren't interested. Whatever this life takes form, I'll follow it. Not in a religious sense, but more of a me sense. Does that make any difference? I'm not sure. I know what my family members want me to believe. It doesn't mean I will believe in that though. I am my own person. A free spirit. Free to do whatever it is I want to do. If that's the case, why do I keep trying to justify it to myself?! I don't get it. I just hope everything works out for the best. I don't know what the best is, so I'll table that for now.

Most people want to just live their lives in privacy. They want to go about their day and not be bothered by anything or anyone. They like to keep to themselves. No one bothers them, they don't bother anyone. It's all peaceful and nothing happens.

I don't feel at peace. Maybe when I get to my final destination, I will find that peace I'm looking for. But for now, I'll be alone. Without anyone to lean on for support. There doesn't make a difference if this life goes this way or that way. I will be drifting lost at sea. Waiting to be rescued. I need to find some way out of here. There's nothing left for me. I don't even know how to live properly. I've never lived alone. It's going to be an adventure. I guess. I'm not sure I know what to do about any of it. It would be nice to be able to figure out sooner than later how this life is meant to be lived. I just don't know anymore.

Do I feel lost? You know it. How am I supposed to get over this feeling? I don't have a clue. I'm sure I will stumble upon an answer eventually. There has to be a way to get over this thought process. But I keep having it. I have a plan in place; it's still a work in progress though. But it's a plan. I don't know if that will do me any good. It might do me some good in the long run, but not in the short run. Life doesn't seem to matter anymore for me. I wish I could do something about it. Anything about it to make life bearable again. It doesn't have to be perfect, just bearable. So, I can manage it.

There's so much confusion in my life. It would be nice to be able to figure out exactly what is going on with it all. So many things would be nice about now. I don't know where that leaves me. Am I hanging by a thread from a long rope. Maybe. Am I drowning at sea. Most likely. There just doesn't seem to be a way to make things matter anymore. I don't know what to do. I'm miserable. Let's face it, I am miserable. There's no other way to put it, and it sucks. I want to die. That's how bad it is. But I know that's not going to happen. God has it out for me. He's not going to let me off that easily.

So, what happens next. I guess it's up to me isn't it. I have to find a way to make peace with this life while I'm here. That's a tough thing to do at the present time. I don't know what's keeping me from having peace in my life. There must be a reason. Maybe it's all the demons trying to tear me down. The voices popping into my head making fun of me. It's so tiring to fight them day after day. I am not a fan of that. I need to find a way to get out of this rut. But it's a rut isn't it. Yeah, that's what I was afraid of.

Life doesn't feel real at times. I've said it before, I feel like I'm in a simulation of sorts. A test to see how far I can go before I have a mental break down. And someone is watching from the outside looking in. It's their amusement to see what they can do to me. Someone is always watching. There's nothing crazy to be had, it's just the way life is. I feel it to be real. Does that make it real? Or does that make it not real. Feelings can be messed up at times. There's nothing wrong with that, it's just a course of nature doing its thing.

What does this life offer me that I can't get someplace else. Death offers me peace and solace. Will life offer me that. I don't know what's going on anymore. I don't understand any of it. It's just life that gets to me. I need to understand something. If this life is a test as some believe, and I get a failing grade, does that make me less loved or less of a person? That's what I want to know.

The voices are at it this morning. Telling me I'm stupid, weak, dumb, that I'll die. They never let up. There has to be a way to get over this thought process. I am not a fan. But the voices are unrelenting, they keep coming in for the attack. I hate it. I wish it would stop.

Do not get excited though, it's not all bad. I have my life; my health isn't too bad. I'm in ok shape; it could be better that's for sure. I'll work on it; I need to work on it. Mentally I'm a mess. There's nothing I can do about that. It's just life and life is weird at times. I'll be the first to admit it.

I must be made of something stronger than I think. I've been tossed around by voices for some time now, been hospitalized a handful of times for it, and I'm still alive and ticking. Someone wants me alive, I guess. I don't understand the reasoning behind it, but here I am. Even my suicide attempt didn't work out as planned. I was so close. Yet so far away. Oh well, it was a bad idea to begin with. I think. That's what they tell me. There's no reason not to believe them is there? Didn't think so.

Life needs to end. My life in particular. There doesn't seem to be anything I can do about it. It would be nice to be able to think of something. But I just don't know how that will all go down. Someone would find me at the last possible moment and stop me. There's no other way it would happen. I can't take the chance where I currently am. They would kick me out in an instant. So that's a no go there. Man, if life were simpler, I think things would be different.

Life is such a fragile thing. One slip and you're gone. It can be that quick. I don't know how I will end up, but it could be one slip. I wish I didn't know that. I wish I was oblivious to it all. But I'm not. My brain likes to think of all the bad things that can happen to a person. All the things that could happen to me for instance. I don't know exactly how this life will turn out. But I hope it ends quickly. I'm tired and done with life, I just want to rest. Is that too much to ask? I don't think so. No one would miss me.

Trying to get to a point where I can enjoy life is difficult. I don't know how to do that exactly. Enjoyment doesn't really come to me most of the time. So, I don't know. I want to be happy; I want to enjoy life. Enjoy the things I used to do. I haven't done any of my hobbies in what feels like ages. I don't know why that is, it just doesn't make sense.

If there were a way to enjoy this life, I want to find out how that works. It would be a miracle on my end. I wouldn't mind smiling more. I just can't think of a way to do it and be genuine about it. It's hard when all I think about is how I want this life to end. God has to take me out of this life. I decided that long ago. Suicide isn't an option for me. It's off the table. Yet the voices still haunt me about it. They never leave me alone.

I loved you, deeply. Now that love has turned into more of a friendship love. The feelings are still there though. I can't do anything about it. This life doesn't allow me to understand any of it. So many thoughts and feelings going through me. I can't focus on one or the other. They both demand attention. Why does it matter though. Why does anything in this life matter. I'm not sure how to proceed. I don't know what I want out of this life really. Everything is so convoluted. That's what this life is to me. There's nothing I can do about it. No one would care anyway. Why would they care to begin with.

It would be nice to wake up one morning and have the voices gone. They keep me company but it's the wrong type of company that I don't want. There's no reason for them to be there in my head. Shouting in my ear telling me how stupid I am. Fighting them is very time consuming and I don't have an easy way to tell them off. So I will continue to fight them until I can't fight anymore, and they win. What will happen then I wonder. I hope I don't find out.

There are times in this life where I wish it would be better than it is. I look at others who seem to have it all going for them and I don't understand it. How did they get there in the first place. Who knows exactly what goes on anymore. I want to be that happy, that carefree, that outgoing. What's stopping me from being all those things. Success is different for everyone. It's not measured the same across people. That's just how life is at times.

I am tired of this life. It's constantly beating me down. I don't know what happens to it all, that's just how it feels at times. I've got nothing going for me. There isn't a way to get through this is there. It doesn't feel like it. I need to be able to figure everything out. Right now. But that's asking too much of my mind. No one can figure out their whole life in a single day. It takes time. Some don't even get that far. Life just comes at you with no regret or remorse. That's how life is. That's how life will always be.

I hope I'm not depressed for very much longer. I could do without the depression. A lot better without it. But it's something I have to deal with at the moment. I don't like it. I don't enjoy it, but it's something I have to endure.

I hate life. That's all there is to it. I hate it for so many reasons. Yet here I am still living trying to do what's right and figure out what is needed of me. There's no point to any of this life. There isn't a point to anything. But it's still here giving me grief. Oh well, it will all end eventually.