Skip to main content

Anxious Today, WTF?

I am rather anxious today. I think it has to do with the medication(s) I am on at the moment. Doctor changed some medications, added some, did some other things put me back on medications I haven’t been on in a while…the same ol’ same ol’. Anti-Psychotic meds work wonders when they work, they’re amazing. When your mind doesn’t want them to work? Well, that’s when things become quite a problem. I hate to admit it, but life doesn’t always work the way we want it to work. What can I say? It’s a mess at times. There’s nothing wrong with that, but to say it’s not complex is a complete overhaul of whatever there is. Talk about a mixed bag of nuts. Someone doesn’t understand everything there is to understand about it all. If I wasn’t anxious, today would be a better day than it is. But, well I am so there’s nothing I can do about it. I wish there was…but there isn’t so I’ll just have to deal with whatever comes my way. Such a bummer if you think about it all. Nothing is ever cureable. Every...
Post a Comment

Worry

 Worry comes to me at times when I least expect it. I don't like it. I'm not a fan of it at all. I wish I could figure out exactly what is going on in these times of worry. But I'm not sure I am able to. So instead of figuring out what's going on with my head, I worry. I should be able to figure it out, maybe I just need more time. That could be a possibility. Worry is such an annoying thing to... worry about. Yeah, that sounded bad. But you know what I mean, right? Right?!

With worry comes stress. Stressful situations arrive and there's nothing I can do about it. Anxiety follows suit and I feel like I want to just hide from the world. How can a person hide from the world with a blanket if there's no place to hide? Hiding isn't ever good I don't think. There are so many problems in this life that I cannot comprehend them all at once.

Why must I deal with these things? I'm not sure I understand. There seems to be a lot of things going on in my head and nothing I can do about it can fix anything. It's all a mess, it really is. If life is such a mess, why can't I deal with it? There's just too much to do in my mind and there isn't enough time to do it all. Something has got to give. I don't know what that something is though. If there's anything I am able to do I have got to find a way to do it, otherwise I am lost and unable to do anything.

So many "it would be nice to haves" in this life. Yet here we are wondering if those nice to haves are actually anything of importance. I bet they aren't. There has got to be something I am able to do about any of this. Something I can contribute to my own mind that would allow me to comprehend everything that is going on. The worry has got to end. I don't know how to make it end, so I feel stuck. It's almost like being stuck in time. Nowhere to go, forward or backward. You can't really do anything about it. You're stuck. There's no way to get around it.

If I knew what to do, I wouldn't be in this situation now would I? No, I didn't think so. Perhaps there is another way to go about this life. If I could figure it out, I would totally go with that option. But I'm not sure there is a way to even think that possibility through.

I'm still suffering through grief and loss, I think. I tend to try to ignore it all. But sometimes you just can't ignore any of it. There's a lot of pressure to try and get past it all. I don't know how to do any of it though. I feel like I don't belong here or anywhere for that matter. I'm not quite certain how to express myself in that regard. There just doesn't seem to be a way to figure it all out.

I suppose it doesn't matter if I'm stuck in time, or stuck where I am. There's no place to go at this moment in time. I wish I knew how to best overcome these thoughts though. There must be a way to overcome everything I am going through. I hope there is a way at least. There's a catch though, there isn't a way through this life that I know of. I can only hold on and hope for something good to happen. If nothing good happens, then nothing good happens and I am just here. So, I best hang on for the ride and see all that happens.

Labels:

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Schizoaffective Disorder

I want to say it first began in High School when I thought I was trying to beat the devil. Now when I say I was "trying to beat the devil", I mean I actually thought I was hearing the devil speak to me at night and that I had to find some way to overcome him. Looking back I should have sought professional help then. I remember telling a friend about this experience, and he looked at me like I was nuts. Talk about craziness right? Yeah something like that. I believe my first mental break was when I was serving a mission for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints . I wanted to go home so bad. It could have just been homesickness . But...there was something more to it. About halfway through I was just done with it all. I had had enough of rejection and wanted to go home. But I was afraid that I was unable to because I would simply be told no . I know that sounds silly to people. But that's what happened. I didn't b...
Post a Comment
Read more

Didn't Sleep

 What's the point of sleep anymore if I can't sleep? I don't think I slept any good last night. I was awake at 3 am wondering to myself, what on earth am I doing awake? Yeah, that happened. It doesn't make any sense. Fortunately, it's the weekend. So, I can catch up on sleep tonight. I don't have to be anywhere tomorrow, so it's a good opportunity to actually sleep for once. Whatever the case, I hope I'll be able to fall asleep and stay asleep. We will see what happens.
Post a Comment
Read more

ColdFusion

So recently, I decided to include ColdFusion in my Linux setup. I was going to just run Tomcat and install CF that way, but well I decided against that route and installed ColdFusion 9 using the regular methods. It's been running quite smoothly if I do say so myself. I of course don't have the installation instructions anymore. Oops. I suppose I could Google for them again and make a copy or something. But well if my server ever crashes and I have to start all over again, yeah I'll worry aobut it then. FOr now, not so much. So here's my current setup: MySQL PHP Perl ColdFusion 9 Yeah something like that. Not too bad if I do say so myself. Of course what else would I say about it? You know I wouldn't ever say anything bad about my own server setup. Well unless I already have, if that's the case. Oops. Disregard that blog post. So yep, I think I'll have some fun with all of that for sure.
Post a Comment
Read more