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Anxious Today, WTF?

I am rather anxious today. I think it has to do with the medication(s) I am on at the moment. Doctor changed some medications, added some, did some other things put me back on medications I haven’t been on in a while…the same ol’ same ol’. Anti-Psychotic meds work wonders when they work, they’re amazing. When your mind doesn’t want them to work? Well, that’s when things become quite a problem. I hate to admit it, but life doesn’t always work the way we want it to work. What can I say? It’s a mess at times. There’s nothing wrong with that, but to say it’s not complex is a complete overhaul of whatever there is. Talk about a mixed bag of nuts. Someone doesn’t understand everything there is to understand about it all. If I wasn’t anxious, today would be a better day than it is. But, well I am so there’s nothing I can do about it. I wish there was…but there isn’t so I’ll just have to deal with whatever comes my way. Such a bummer if you think about it all. Nothing is ever cureable. Every...
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No Point

 There doesn't feel like there's a point to this life today. I'm here, I'm alive, but there's just no point in any of it. What am I doing here. If all I'm meant to do is suffer, I'm doing a good job at it. There doesn't seem to be a good enough reason to be alive right now. I don't want to be alive. I don't want to exist. But I can't just be saying that to those I care about. They would freak out and not understand any of it. So, I keep it to this blog and to myself. My therapist might also end up knowing. Let's hope they don't throw me to the hospital. I don't want that right at the moment.

I need to find a way to be happy with life. There has to be a way to simply be happy and accept that happiness. I'm not sure I understand how to do that. Does it make sense? No, not really. Will it ever make sense to me? I highly doubt it. So, what's the point of it all. If only I knew. Depression seems to be running high as of late. The future seems unknown, and I don't know where I'm headed after that is all over. Doesn't seem like that much of a glamorous life now does it. No, I didn't think so.

I would be so much happier if I could die. Then I would know what's on the other side of life. I could grasp everything that is supposed to happen once and for all. There's no reason for me not to want this. Everything eventually comes to an end. There's an expiration date on life. That's all there is to it. I would miss my life in some fashion I'm sure, but for the most part I wouldn't miss it at all. It's so difficult to live in this day and age. So many things require our attention. I have no answers for anything in this life. If I don't have answers, then maybe it's time I made room for someone who does. If that means my death, then so be it.

I'm sure so many things would be nicer on the other side. No disease, hunger, poverty, worrying about bills and the like. If only life were that easy to get along with. But it's not. There must be some way out of here, an easy release as it were. I don't know how to go about doing that. I don't understand how it can be possible. There are so many things in this life that are possible, but living seems to be one of the hardest parts of it all.

There's no reason to dwell on any of this, yet here I am doing exactly that. It all needs to come to an end. Either the thoughts or my life needs to change. I do not know which one is preferable over the other.

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