Wednesday

 Well Wednesday has come around. What's there to say about it. I'm not quite sure. It's the middle of the week, that's for certain. I still think there should be a day off on Wednesday. Kinda like a middle of the week weekend, but not a weekend because those are the endcaps. Wednesday is the middle of the week, not an endcap.

So many things to wish for and not enough time to make those wishes to happen in the first place. Pretty sure wishes aren't horses, but if they were there sure would be a lot of them sitting around. I can wish all I want and it doesn't mean something will happen because of my wishing. Not everything is guaranteed in this life, and that's okay. I understand that. It would be nice to be able to grasp something I could lean on for support. I'm not sure what that is though.

Jewel said it the best:

I'm half alive but I feel mostly dead.

There's no other way to say it. Expecting to feel something is not enough. I can feel all I want; it won't matter in the end though. There doesn't seem to be a possible way out of this right now. There should be something I can do about it all. Something I can do to stop these persistent thoughts that continue on in my mind and heart. They exist for a reason I'm sure, I just don't know what that reason is yet.

There's a purpose to this life. I've yet to find a concrete example of what that purpose is though. Maybe it's meant to torture me, maybe it's meant to restore me to something I was before. I do not know the full purpose of my existence. Maybe one of these days I will be able to figure things out, but I fear I will just be ahead of myself and unable to do so.

I feel like I'm slowly fading away here. I don't know how to combat that feeling. I don't know how to get over it or through it, or around it. If there's a way to even do that, I must know. Hope for a future is what I need. Everything feels so bleak and miserable right now. My future is uncertain. Is there any way to overcome all of this? I tend to wonder that a lot. Depression is real. If anyone tells you it's made up or fake, they are lying or are greatly uneducated.

People don't know how to deal with other people that are depressed. It's kind of messed up if you ask me. They choose to ignore it. Choose to be ignorant about what depression is. Some claim they have depression when in fact they do not. It's easy to simply say "I'm depressed" than actually describe what's going on, I get that. But it's not right. It makes it so those with actual depression don't feel like they belong or feel like they have an actual illness.

I don't claim to have all the truth in the world. There are so many things in this life that need to take place, that need truth in order to proceed. I'm not sure I know what that truth is or where it might lay. They say the truth is out there. Well, I wouldn't mind having it here for once. I need a way to get out of this funk I am in. something good needs to happen.

Whatever happens will happen. There's nothing I am able to do about it. I feel so isolated and alone right now. There are people around me but there's nothing I am able to do about any of it. There doesn't seem to be anything I can do about any of it. So many thoughts in my head at the moment and I can't figure out which thought goes to which place.

Stress is another part of life. I am very well aware of stress levels doing their thing against me. Stress and anxiety go hand in hand these days. It would be nice to not have either in my life. But I don't know what to do about that either.

Meh, life is what it is and there's nothing I can do about any of it. Even if I could do something about it, I don't think I would know what to do about it. I just want to make it all go away. Is that too much to ask? Is it important that I have all of this nonsense in my head at the moment? I'm not sure I know what to do about any of it. There just isn't a way to make it all make sense in my brain for some reason. I need to get a handle on it.