Tired

 I'm quite tired today. I don't understand why that is, I went to bed before nine o'clock and woke up at six. Who knows what's going on with my body at the moment. I am not a fan of it. I know I need to wake up somehow. At any rate my mind needs to be alert and focused on the tasks at hand.

There are things coming up that I am afraid about. I am anxious to say the least. I don't know how it will all work out actually. Something good must come from it. Something good, I don't know what will happen, but I do know that it's coming. At least this time I have a plan going forward. Well, half a plan at least. I hope everything works out according to that partial plan. If it does, then things will be okay. If it doesn't? Then I will try harder.

Part of me still thinks this life doesn't matter. That we're all here just to experience misery and compassion based on that misery. There doesn't appear to be anything significant about life. It just comes and goes as it pleases. There's no rhyme or reason to it. I don't grasp whatever there is to actually grasp about it all. Perhaps I am just a weakling in the long line of life that is before me. I wish I had an answer to why I feel that way, but I do not.

I fantasize about a better life. Sometimes I think about what I've done, and it shames me. I think about walking into a church one day and bearing my testimony, or lack thereof. Would I be welcomed? Would I be shunned? I do not know. According to my brother I have turned my back on God. I don't believe I have. Just because I don't go to church doesn't mean I've turned my back on God. I need God in my life. There's no other way about it. God has to be present, or my life is meaningless. I don't want a meaningless existence, that would be terrible for me.

There are so many things to ponder about while in this earthly existence. Almost too many things to try to understand and not enough to enjoy. So many wishes all at once, I cannot comprehend them all. There are simply too many thoughts in my head to understand them all. So many things would be nice to understand and grasp, they really would. But I do not believe I have the strength to do so at this time. Maybe in the future I will be able to figure things out for myself, but right now I feel that is impossible.

I get anxious about being in crowds of people. This includes church. I had a bishop tell me once that because the spirit was there, I didn't seem to be anxious. If only he knew about how anxious I really was. I felt like passing out. Being in groups of people just doesn't do it for me. I can't handle it. I have issues going to Walmart for crying out loud. There isn't much else to be done about it. My mind gets all worked up for nothing, I realize this. But there just isn't a way around it. I need to figure this out. Maybe then I can go back to church and feel like I belong. I don't feel like I belong there. I feel like a broken toy, and I don't have the ability to exist.

I barely function as it is. The pain in my legs, the thoughts in my head. The voices in my head. They're all too much for me to deal with most days. I am not a fan of it all. I know I'll be able to get over this someday but today is not that day.

Oh, the voices that come to me. They haunt me. I do not know why they want me dead. No one knows why they want me dead. There's no point to any of it. There needs to be a way to calm them, to quiet them. I don't know how to do that. They tell me I must die. That I have no other choice but to die.

I don't remember much of what happened yesterday. I'm not sure why that is. There needs to be a reason for this. Some kind of reason to figure out why I am unable to remember what happened yesterday. So much to comprehend, so much to figure out. Yet I am unable to do so at the moment. It'll be okay I'm sure of it, I just have to get there. I need to get back on my meds and get back into a therapist.

My mind is racing today. I don't like it. Too many thoughts going through my tired brain. I need to figure out a way to get over this. Or through it. Whatever it is I need to do, I need to do it quickly. Hopefully I will be able to figure it all out sooner than later. It is what it is though, and I must be patient.

Maybe I'm just depressed. I wouldn't count that out for sure. Depression runs deep and it doesn't ever go away. Talk about an annoyance. I hate it. I am not a fan, and it just keeps coming. So many things to wish for and hope for. But where is the hope exactly? I'm not seeing it. There are many things I don't see in this life. That is one of them.

In the event that my tiredness takes over completely I feel like I would be lost. Let's hope it doesn't get that far.