Been trying my hand lately in programming in Perl. Doing some database things with it. It’s quite an interesting language. I’m rather enjoying it, if I’m being honest. Coming from a Java background, I find it exciting to learn new things and take them as they come to me. It’s fun for sure!
I don't understand anxiety. I mean GAD is just a pain in the neck. There's not much else to say about it. But there is. I'm not sure what's going on with my brain as of late, but it's not good. Feeling anxious at various times during the day feels like a mess. I don't have control over what it is I feel. There needs to be a way to feel control over my life. But I don't feel that control. Add a dose of depression in with that and I'm all sorts of messed up if you think about it. My mind gets confused easily. I don't like it.
I wish I could figure out why I have anxiety. Something in my head is wonky when it comes to the chemicals in there, I get that. But there has to be more of an explanation to it. Something to figure out why I am the way I am. I hate every moment of it. I try to make things better; medications can only go so far. Maybe meditation would be helpful for me, I simply do not know.
Somedays I want my life to end. Like there's no reason for it to continue. Life is just so damn difficult at the time. I wish I could get over it, but it doesn't appear to be wanting to go away anytime soon. I'm sure eventually with enough work it will leave. Existing is a burden.
To simply exist is not enough. There has to be more to this life than there currently is. I don't know what that something more is all about, but it has to be something. Something I am unable to figure out at the moment. There are too many thoughts running through my head at the moment. I don't think I can handle any of it right now. There's got to be a way to figure all of this out.
Maybe this life isn't meant to matter or make sense. What if that's the case? We're all just sitting here waiting for something good to happen and we don't know how to get that far. Someone has got to make this life make sense. I want it to make sense in some shape or form. I don't know how to get that far though. There just doesn't seem to make it happen. The world is a mess; my mind is a mess. Life is a mess.
If life made sense, we wouldn't be here at this point in time. But here we are. When nothing makes sense it's all a crazy way of living. But here I am trying to make the best of it. Sure, I complain about things from time to time, but I am just trying to live to the best of my ability right now. I suppose it'll be what it will be, but I don't have to fully deal with it do I? Not sure.
I take my anxiety medication as prescribed, and I just feel terrible. Maybe there's another way to fix all of this. Something better? I don't know. I wish there were a way to simply get over all of this anxiety. It would be for the best.
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