Life Doesn't Matter

 I've come to the conclusion that this life doesn't matter. We're all going to die anyways, so why even try. There's no point to it. So many things in this life that we make up in our brains and we can't figure out a way to make everything right in the end. We have to rely on a supreme being to decide if we've been good enough to go to heaven. We're born, we live, and we die. That's just all there is to this life. Sure, there are lessons learned along the way and we'll carry that knowledge into the next life, but beyond that nothing matters. Why should it matter? It makes no sense for it to do anything. If my heart is hardened, so be it. But I don't think it is.

I'm having a rough time at this whole life thing. I don't know how to overcome it. There has to be a way to get out of this slump I'm in. I feel down and that's not a good thing. So, for now, life doesn't matter. I don't think it ever did. I don't think it's a eat drink and be merry kind of thing. That just sounds wrong. It's more of a hey we're going to die eventually. It just takes time to get there to the finish line. Doesn't quite make sense does it. No, I didn't think so.

Maybe I'll be able to figure something out eventually. It's just not today. I won't figure things out today. There's no point in trying to figure anything out today. It will take time. Time is something I have lots of on my hands. There's no reason I shouldn't be able to figure some of it out. I know I won't be able to figure all of it out in this lifetime. There's more to be had on the other side, whatever that is.

You can miss someone for a long time. There's no limit on how long you are allowed to miss someone. But eventually you have to move on. I'm not at that point yet. It's only been a handful of weeks. There are many months more to this. I may never move on. Maybe marriage just isn't for me. Perhaps it never was. If that makes sense. I think it makes sense inside my own brain, but that doesn't mean it will make sense to you in yours.

I won't always be around, eventually I will die. Who's to say when that will be. It could be tomorrow; it could be years down the road from now. There's just no way of telling. It's in God's hands. I do know I lost someone so special to me, I couldn't hang on. She had to go. I keep wondering if I could have fixed any of it, made things better etc. But I don't think I could have. There's no point to any of this life anymore. It's all going downhill from here. I don't want it to, but there's nothing I can do about it. I'm stuck in a rut. Decisions were made, mutually agreed upon, and now I'm here at this point in my life.

A new chapter awaits. I just have to start writing it. But I feel stuck in the middle. Not able to move forward until I understand the why's of it all. Maybe I'll never understand any of it. Life isn't very forgiving to be honest. It doesn't make sense does it. No, I don't believe it does. Life isn't always fair. It's an age-old known fact. I just wish my heart didn't hurt so bad. But here I am trying my best to live life to whatever degree I am able to. Doesn't mean I'll ever get it right.

It would be nice to just be able to move on with life. I don't know how to do that. Maybe nothing is real. Have you ever thought of that? Nothing we see or experience is real. It's all a dream of some kind. It's something that's for sure. I am so sad right now. My heart is heavy and my brain is tired. There doesn't seem to be a way out of here. Will I always be like this? Who knows. It takes a while for me to get over things when experiencing a loss. I haven't hit all of the stages of grief yet. I'm sure I will though. It's easy to say let's just get past this and move on. Way easier said than done. I don't know how to move on.

I'm sure life will improve somehow. It has to. There just doesn't seem like any end in sight right now. The tunnel is dark and there's no light at the end of it. Darkness encompasses me. There doesn't feel like a reason to live right now. I don't understand why, but that's how it is. Life sucks. So many things I don't get or grasp. Things I don't understand. It all feels like hogwash to me. Rubbish. I would like for it all to come to an end. I'm a failure at this life. There's nothing left for me to do.

I could go on but I think you get the point. Why do I exist? What's my purpose? Two questions I would love the answer to. But I don't think I will be able to have an answer anytime quickly. That's just life for you, I guess. Nothing matters. It all goes downhill never to resurface. Life is cruel. There's no escaping it.

Hopefully therapy will help me figure all of this out. I'm not sure it will though. There are too many moving parts to actually figure out any of it. I feel so lost right now. I don't know which way is up or down, left or right. I am stuck in a moment in time unable to move. So many things would be nice to be able to figure out. I'm not sure I am able to though.