Ever feel like life is falling apart all around you and you don't have a clue of what to do about it? That's where I am at the moment. If I could, I would make things better. But there are so many uncertainties running about. I do not know how to do that. My self-esteem seems to be quite down lately. I don't know how to boost myself back up. I don't dare tell anyone about it, they might throw me in a hospital. That's the last thing I want from any of this. So many wishes in life and I can't make one of them come true. What is wrong with me? I don't understand life. Not in the least. There has got to be way to get over all of this. I'd rather not think about it. But it has to be thought of, doesn't it. That's how this life manages to become something.
I need an answer of some kind to my problems. Therapy helps in certain situations, but I'm not sure if it helps in all situations. I don't always get the answer I want. Or need. Sometimes I am just lost in a sea of confusion, and I do not know where any of it is leading. I hate myself because of these weaknesses that I feel. It hurts deep down inside. A place that I cannot figure out in the end. Something has got to be done about it all. I fear what the outcome might be. I don't dare speak it aloud.
I want to scream out loud. WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME! But I'm not sure how effective that would be. If there is a God and he's listening, then he already knows what's going on in my mind. There's so much to digest with life. I'm not sure it's worth the hassle. Someone needs to be able to help me figure out exactly what's going on. I'm sure this nonsense is getting tiresome. I know for me it is getting tiresome and I'm the one writing it all down. There has to be something unique about life in order for it to make sense. I don't know what that is. It comes and goes long before I am able to actually grasp whatever it is that I am looking for.
There are so many things going wrong in life that I can't keep track of them all. It would be nice to be able to grab hold of whatever it is I need and hang onto it. But I don't know how to do that exactly. Something has got to give. I do not know how best to make that happen. If there were a way to make the end come faster, I would make it come in roaring like a lion. I'm ready for the end to come. There is no reason not to wish for it.
Why must this life be so confusing at times. I do not understand it. I don't get it. I wish I could make things better, but I do not know how to do that. I simply need a way to make things possible for me to get feeling better. If I don't know how to make that happen, then I am screwed. I'm having trouble concentrating. I have constant thoughts I do not wish to have. They consume my thought process to a point where I am unable to function properly. I try and fake it, but it's getting harder to fake. What's the phrase? Fake it till you make it? Yeah well, I'm finding that difficult.
It feels like there are so many things I need in my life right now. How to make them occur is something else. I want to just know how to make that happen. But I do not have a clue. There doesn't seem to be a reason or explanation for why I can't figure this out. I just can't, and it tears me down one more step further than I am able to contend with.
Missing someone is the worst feeling in the world. One moment you're together and the next they're gone, or you're gone, and life just isn't complete anymore. I don't quite know how to get over these feelings of loss. I feel lost myself. Unable to process what is going on in life. Unable to come to a conclusion that this is okay and for the best. That they left because of a reason God intended. Death is a separation from the spirit and the body. I cannot find a way to have it make sense in my mind. It is a difficult thing to do. If I had a way to console myself, I would. But there doesn't seem to be a way to do that, not yet. I'm working on it though. I don't understand what is going on with this life.
If this life had a way of letting me know things were going to be okay, I would listen to it. But I haven't been able to decipher any such feelings yet. It is all such a shamble in my brain. I don't understand what is going on anymore. Everything seems to be falling apart all around me. I don't know what to do about it. I want to understand what my role is in this life. I want to take my place and do what I need to do. But I am scared to find out. It makes no difference to me if I understand or not right now. I know I won't get any answers so why bother with trying.
I feel useless in this life. Like there is no purpose for me. No place for me. Everyone else has a duty and a purpose, but not me. Why can't I seem to figure that out. There are so many things that can be done in this life, and I am here just spinning my wheels. Is that what this life is meant to be about? I doubt it. I have been chasing after a dream for years and that is not coming closer to being complete. At times I don't even know what the dream is anymore. I just keep trying to move forward. Nothing matters it feels like. Nothing matters at all. So, if that's the case why am I worrying about it? I do not know.
So, if I am unable to process anything in this life. What is the purpose of it all? Why can't I understand what is going on when there should be so many clues as to what is happening. Am I just dissuaded without the ability to reconnect with the outside world. Or is it something more sinister. There are so many moments in a day that don't make sense to me. How am I supposed to turn them around and listen to them. What is there to listen to exactly. I'm not quite sure I understand that even. I feel like I am a failure of a human right now. Nothing is going right in life. It's all going downhill, and I have no idea how to stop myself from rolling.
Maybe I can figure this all out if I take a wide step back and look at things from a different angle. Might that be the answer I am looking for? Is there even an answer to any of this? I do not know. Whatever it is, please don't leave me standing out in the rain. That's all I ask for. Don't leave me wet, cold, and alone. I don't think I can withstand the pain or sorrow that is to follow me. This life must find a way to get better. Without me feeling like I am at a loss of what to do.
There doesn't seem to be a simple way to grab hold of whatever is going on in my life. I want to be able to do that. But I don't seem to be able to do it. It takes a lot of effort, that I understand. I am growing tired of establishing the effort that's needed to make things work again. If my life is to end in nonsense, then let it. If I am not worthy of a better life after this, then so be it. I will take whatever comes my way. I have lost faith and hope in myself. There is nothing out there for me to consider a better life for. I am so heartbroken over it all. I don't think anyone can understand what is going on with me. I don't even understand it, so why would they. Exactly. Having a mental illness on top of it all isn't helping matters either. I need to have an understanding of where I am headed from here. I do not quite get what is going on right now.
Since I don't understand my own life, I doubt any professional will be able to understand it for me. What I want, I don't get. What I need, I don't get. What I desire, I don't get. Am I not projecting myself out to the universe like I should be. Is there some procedure out there that I don't grasp or understand that I need to be paying attention to?
Like I said, I feel like I am falling apart.
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