Current State

Life can be difficult at times. I’m not sure exactly how it tends to work but I do know that it’s not a friendly game of chess. It’s hard work and it can suck. Life has a sneaky way of messing with a person. I don’t know all of its tricks and things like that, but it happens. It feels like I don’t have control over much anymore. I wish I could find a way to take it all back ya know? I don’t know how to do that. So many things would be nice to have about right now…I don’t know how to make that happen.

So, I’ll keep running. What is it I’m running away from though? Will it ever catch up with me or will I be able to outrun it forever? I’m not sure if I know how to continue onward anymore. One would think I could get past or through whatever it is that’s troubling me. Isn’t that a basic instinct we all have? A basic part of life is to keep moving forward? It’s someting like that, I don’t know if I have the wording right though.

I feel like a prisoner trapped in my own mind at times. I don’t like that thought to be honest. It’s pure torture. Pure hell. If that’s not a kick in the ass, I don’t know what is. If I had a way to overcome all of this, I think I would have found that by now and accomplished it. It’s just … something’s gotta give eventually doesn’t it?

I’d like it all to come to an end somehow. I don’t know exactly how that will occur, but it has to happen eventually one way or another. I want to be okay with whatever is happening to me. I want to be able to take a step back and accept it all. But I don’t know how to do that! It frustrates the hell out of me.

Feels at times as though I am a burden on others. I don’t know how else to explain that. It is, what it is. Deep down I think I realize I’m not a burden. But the thoughts don’t go away simply because I will them to. At times I wish I could turn back and change … things about my life. One of those things would be to live without this depression that plagues my very existence. I highly doubt I’ll get there anytime soon.

I fear, at times, there isn’t a way to overcome any of these thoughts and feelings. That I’m stuck in one eternal round as it were. Never to become free of that which ties me down at times. I want to give up. I want it to be all over for good. Once and for all just for everything to come to an end. I can’t bring myself to do that though, not yet. there’s got to be a way to make it happen without the grief and suffering that comes with it.

If there were a way to overcome all of these thoughts and insecurities, I suppose I would have figured it all out by now. As luck would have it, I wasn’t that lucky after all. It seems like a waste of time for me to try and accomplish any of this. But how am I able to make something like that happen? I wish I knew. But then again, I don’t seem to know the necessary details that I need to know about anything.

Maybe wishing for the end isn’t the answer. I mean of course it isn’t the answer. Suicide is never the answer. Yeah, that’s a touchy topic for sure. Let’s not go there though, not today. I don’t want to bring up old wounds that are still fresh. I don’t know if they’ll ever go away. I mean, is that even a possibility? I am trying to hide the fact that these thoughts are even there to begin with. Does that do me any good though?

Sounds a little on the crazy side doesn’t it. Yeah, that’s what I’ve been thinking for a while now myself. But if I’m meant to be this way, what’s the use of it all? Who has the right to say what’s normal and what isn’t. Who is acting out and who’s being appropriate. Some doctor maybe, someone with a PHD in psychology or some other nonsense would be my guess.

Sometimes we don’t have all the answers we want. That’s just how it is.

If I had an answer to any of this, do you think I would be fuming over all of these issues and having problems with my own psyche? Everything comes down to the fact that we are all mad here, just on different planes of existence. You have your mad way sf doing things as do I. I have my own crazy way of living and trying to simply survive. Isn’t that what we’re all trying to do here though? Survive?

I don’t suppose there’s a simple way to overcome all of these negative thoughts. It would be nice if I had the ability to simply wish them all away and they would go. But I don’t think I can do that effectively. Maybe there isn’t a way to overcome these thoughts and feelings. Perhaps it’s just not possible.

If life had a way to make sense, I think it would want to make sense about right now. I think if there was a way to figure it all out I would have found that secret by now. Well, the secret’s still out there sealed up in a box without a key to open it.

Feels like I’m watching life from the sidelines outside my own body ya know? Like none of it is real. I wish I had the ability to understand where all of this is coming from. I don’t think I’ll ever figure it out. There’s too many variables in my life to just cut it dry and let it go.

In the end, I’ll just have to deal with it.