What Is Life?

Introduction

What exactly is this? Let’s be honest, I don’t know what this document will turn out to be. It could crash and burn right in my hands as I’m typing it. I don’t have a clue. It’s just some thoughts placed here and there hopefully coming together in some kind of organized manner. Heh, organized. I doubt I’ve ever used that word to describe anything I’ve ever written.

I’m not going to answer the actual question of the title of this document. I don’t see the need to do anything of the kind. It’s a simple document where thoughts reside and emotions abound. Yeah, it’s a thing.

That’s what this life does to you, it takes an unorganized person’s thoughts and simply makes them think things through until you reach the point where you no longer are confused. Well, I think that’s the main purpose of this life for most people. There are us outliers who really don’t have a clue how any of this is meant to proceed; and that’s okay!

There’s an old saying “that’s just life for you”, or something along those lines. Life just has a way of changing things up when you least expect it. It tends to drive people mad or crazy at times as well. It would be nice if for once life didn’t do that. But it does.

I’d like to say I have it all figured out, but I don’t. I’m not sure there’s anyone out there who has everything figured out. People say they have life figured out, but let’s face it we’re all flying by the seat of our pants most of the time. No one has a clue what’s going to happen tomorrow, it’s not written yet. Life just comes flying at us without us saying a word.

That’s what this life is all about.

Kyle Eggleston
Thinking In The Dark
March 5, 2026

Prologue

Life comes to us in many different ways. So many ways we can’t be expected to keep track of it all, can we? I don’t believe so. Life has a purpose, sometimes it takes an entire lifetime to figure out what that purpose is though. I don’t make the rules, that’s just how it is.

So, what is this document all about? I’m glad you asked. It is about what this life is to me. Plain and simple. Life has its moments, some are good and some are bad. I’d like to explore some of both. The good and the bad. Possibly the ugly that comes across my mind day in and day out. It’s all part of the gig I think.

What else is there to talk about but life. Isn’t that what most people are concerned about these days? How you get along with others, how this life opens up for you. How everything comes connected together? Something along these lines I think is the perfect answer. Nothing happens just because. There seems to be a reason to it all. I just don’t know what that reason is. I’ve yet to find out that reason, I’m sure it’s out there somewhere just waiting to be found. But, well that’s to be determined I suppose.

The Beginning

We Have To Start Somewhere

Where to begin. This life begins with a birth. My birth to be exact. I’m pretty sure I gave the doctors and nurses a run for their money when I was born. I had a lot of things wrong with me that they had to fix. Yeah I was a mess. But, as all things do, I got better.

Come to think of it, the start of life is the beginning of troubles for many people. Some don’t grasp just how difficult this life can be at times. It comes and goes so fast, so quick, that we just don’t know whether we’re coming or going most days.¹ In order to get past those kinds of days, one simply needs to look up. A chin up attitude helps in so many ways. You just never know how things will work out for you.

Working Things Out

Not everything will work out of course. It could take some time in order for things to fall into place. If things are meant to work out, they will work out the way they’re intended to. That’s all there is to it. How do you know if things work out the way they’re meant to? It’s a toss-up really. You have to take the good with the bad at times. Somehow things tend to get put in the right places they end up in.

Not Everything Makes Sense

There are things in life that don’t make sense. So many things that happen or occur where we are left scratching our heads thinking what he hell just happened? It happens more than you would think. Granted it would be nice if things in this life made sense. I’m not sure how that would take place or what it would look like. But the idea that something is out there that actually makes sense in this life? Now that’s something to talk about.

If nothing makes sense, and we’re just living life by holding onto whatever comes along this life will never make sense. Perhaps it’s not meant to make sense. Now there’s a thought. I suppose if life were to make 100% absolute sense, there wouldn’t be any mysteries left now would there. Is that what drives us? A good mystery to be solved? Is life just a big mystery that no one knows how to solve?

I suppose if there was one thing that made sense is a certain fact. There’s an old adage: In this world, nothing can be said to be certain, except death and taxes.²**

Death is a certainty. Everyone goes through it. It is the ultimate gateway out of this life. Some say this miserable life is hell, well I would have to agree with that. Life feels like hell a lot of time, hell on Earth as it were. When people say you’re going to go through hell, no thanks I’m already living it. Life is difficult at times. Too difficult from time to time actually. I would rather not think about it, but here I am doing exactly that. When life gets rough or hard, you just have to keep moving forward. There’s nothing else you can do but that.

I don’t make up the rules, that’s just how things are. I’d love to make some rules now and then, but I doubt it would do me any good. Who would want to follow them to begin with? I know I’m not much of a rule follower when it comes to my own decision to follow them. Well there are some rules that you just have to follow in life. No exceptions.

Do you ever wonder how people make it through this life? Do you ever wonder how you make it day by day? I tend to wonder that a lot from time to time. I mean seriously how do I manage to survive everyday as they go by? I’m not sure I know how any of that’s supposed to work if I’m being honest.

You’ve Got To Keep Going

No matter what happens in this life, you have to keep moving forward. You have to keep going. But moving forward isn’t just the only thing you have to do. You have to be able to shape yourself into situations and make things possible. Being fluid is an important ability to master. There’s a rather famous quote I enjoy:

Empty your mind, be formless. Shapeless, like water. If you put water into a cup, it becomes the cup. You put water into a bottle and it becomes the bottle. You put it in a teapot it becomes the teapot. Now, water can flow or it can crash. Be water, my friend.³

Being able to shape yourself into whatever is needed in a given moment can be a good thing at times. You’re versatile, movable, adaptable. Whatever comes your way you can handle it. Life throws some crazy things at us from time to time, we need to be able to handle whatever comes our way in order to make it through the rough times so we can enjoy the good times.

When we’re going through the bad times, we remember how good the good times were and that can help us keep moving forward by looking forward to those good times again. I won’t lie, it would be nice not to have to live through those kinds of experiences ever again. But that’s not how this life works unfortunately. I can’t say for certain how this life is meant to be. I don’t think it’s meant to be hard. But choices we make and things we go through during this life can make things difficult.⁴

It’s said that life has a way of figuring things out by itself. It finds a way. No matter what happens, life figures out a way to sort everything out. It’s not always what we planned on mind you, but it is what’s needed at that moment in time. That’s what matters most.

Sometimes this life gets unnecessarily complex. Complex doesn’t have to mean it’s a bad thing. Complex can be good. Okay it can be a bad thing at times. There’s no lie in that thought process. Yes it would be nice if things didn’t become complex, but what would this life be if that didn’t happen from time to time. I wish this life didn’t happen the way it happens at times. But wishing doesn’t bring about anything unless you act on it to make things different. How does that phrase go? If wishes were horses…⁵ yeah something like that.

Thinking Things Through

Life causes one to pause and think about things from time to time. Sometimes those pauses can be therapeutic, other times they can be kind of upsetting. In fact it can be down right upsetting. There doesn’t seem to be a rhyme or reason to any of it. Just thoughts doing their thing in a person’s brain is all.

I think if there was a way to think through life without getting emotionally involved in the thoughts, things might actually be better. But that’s not possible now is it. Emotions always managed to get involved in everything we do. Emotions are emotions for a reason. So many reasons that don’t always logically make sense to a person. Emotions aren’t logical. They are in fact a form of chaos to our minds.

It would be nice to be able to think without going crazy at times. I suppose if this life was meant to be simple we wouldn’t be thinking all the time. But we have these brains and those brains like to think about things from time to time. Sometimes overthinking can happen. Call it a phase, or a disease, call it whatever you want to it’s a thing. Everyone thinks, there’s no rocket science to that thought.

Thinking of thoughts, there are some thoughts that don’t want to leave your head. They like to stick around for the long haul. There doesn’t seem to be any reason to why that is, it just tends to happen. They tend to live rent free in your mind. But are they really rent free? They are taking up precious space within that brain of yours.

Sometimes the thoughts get so convoluted that you can’t think straight. When the thoughts start speaking nonsense to you, that might be a good idea to try and stop thinking. But sometimes your brain just won’t shut off, so what do you do then? If I had the answer to that question, I suppose I would have all the answers. But as luck would have it I don’t have all the answers, only more questions.⁶

If thinking has the possibility of making things better then I’m all for it. If they tend to hurt or make things worse, then they can just go away. But thoughts don’t have the ability of just disappearing overnight. When the brain thinks, it continues to think, so here we are thinking our lives away. Always moving forward and thinking about the future.

The Middle

The Past

Ah the past. It had to begin somewhere. Everyone has a past. Some people don’t look fondly back at their pasts while others have no problem with what they’ve done. It’s a mixed bag of nuts to be honest. I suppose that’s just how things flow from time to time. Thinking about the past can bring up bad memories for some and good memories for others.

Thinking about the past can be a good thing. It can prepare one for the future. If someone made a mistake once in the past, they can avoid making that same mistake in the future. So in a way, the past can be a good thing to look back on. But, just because we can exist in the past doesn’t mean we should always exist there.

Making time to change the past isn’t possible. You can try to change the past all you want, but you cannot change the past. You can only look to the present and future with hope that the past will not haunt you for indeed the past can haunt you.

Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment.⁷

Simply put, the past can bring about demons and ghosts that you may not want to revisit from time to time. It would be nice not to think about the past as it has a tendency to just mess with your mind. But like I said, everyone has a past. It comes with the territory. Learning from the past can be beneficial, it can help prevent the future from repeating the past and so much more.

If the past does come knocking, it’s best you don’t answer the door. You wouldn’t answer the door to a stranger would you? So why would you answer the door to a past that you don’t want to relive. Why indeed. Doesn’t quite make sense does it? No, I didn’t think so. There’s not much that make sense these days when the past is concerned.

Time comes and goes long before we are able to figure everything that needs to be figured out. Time travel isn’t a thing, it’s not even remotely a thing. But if it were a thing? I wonder how many people would want to travel to the past to change something in their own past life. Could they effectively make a change that would change the balance of the future?

The Present

They say to cherish the present, it will never come again. Once the present is gone it becomes the past, we’ve already talked about the past. The present is also considered a gift, it is what we get today and the experiences we have can be amazing. The present can also be scary. There are things out there that happen on a daily basis that just have the ability to scare the snot out of you. I wish that wasn’t the case, but I have no power over what happens.

There is a phrase that captures looking at the present quite well:

carpe diem⁸

We need to seize the day and see what can come from it. Only then can we measure our true potential in this life. Only then can we properly enjoy everything this life has to offer us. To seek out that which we know to be true and good and honest, we must find a way to celebrate the present and see what can be learned. If we don’t we will miss out on an opportunity so vast that we’ll regret it.

I’d like to say that I have everything figured out for the present state of mind. That’s not the case though. I don’t think I have anything figured out to the point I would like it to be. I mean yeah life is difficult at times, but that doesn’t mean I shouldn’t have something figured out. I’m not sure when I’ll have it all figured out. It might never happen, or it could happen in an instant. Whose to say when it will happen. It will eventually occur, I just don’t know when that will be.

There comes a time in everyone’s life when they have to decide if they’re going to hop on the boat and see what’s out there or stay on dry land and hope for the best. There’s no way of telling what will happen on the boat, there’s no telling what will happen on dry land. Both have their ups and downs. This life is one of those ups and downs, it’s constantly changing. Nothing is ever as it seems. Something is always going to be up, it’s up to us to figure out exactly what’s going on in life.

Once we have it figured out, we can then make a decision of which path we wish to follow. Is there a path of least resistance? I’m not sure. They both can be equally dangerous in their own right. We have to be able to try and figure things out from there. One step at a time. That’s all it takes is one step at a time. Without those small stepping stones upon which we plant our feet, we will be unable to understand all that is going on around us. We might even end up missing something important because we didn’t attempt to follow the correct path to begin with.

But in all honesty, is there a correct path or are we just throwing pebbles hoping for the best. I’d like to think there is a correct or right path to life. I just have to find that path and figure out exactly where I’m headed with it. I’m not sure there is a right or wrong way to go about living. It would seem to me that life has its own thought process when it comes down to it.

It makes you wonder, are we here just having an experience that will eventually go away or will it stick around for a bit and we have to hang in there to see it to its end. I’m not sure what the answer is on that one, but it is an interesting thought process. I would hope it all wouldn’t be for naught. That something good will come because of it all. Whether that be because of hard work and dedication, or just plain old dumb luck. Either way, something must come from it. I don’t know what that something is, not yet at least.

There are days where I wish I didn’t know the things that I know, or wished I didn’t have the capacity for such knowledge. For once in my life it would be nice to be able to figure out what’s going on in my own head. I can’t tell up from down some days and that can be very annoying to work with. If I had a crystal ball that might help, but alas they really aren’t real and don’t work the way you would expect them to. Magic lamps are also out of the question. No genie comes in a bottle these days, just in the TV shows.⁹

Life tends to pop up from time to time. It comes in so many different varieties and flavors that I’m not sure which way to go at times. It can be confusing on one hand yet rewarding on the other. It’s all just a bit of anxiety wrapped in a depression bubble. I don’t mean to be this way, that’s just the hand that was dealt. I don’t think I would have chosen to have either illness, but what can I say I have them and I must deal with whatever happens because of them. I suppose I could try and make it all stop at some point but I’m not sure I know how to do that. Not yet at least.

Life is so short. We must live in the present to get the most out of it. You never know when death will come knocking at your door. Death will always come knocking on someone’s door, that’s how death works. The future can’t be determined, only that death is in everyone’s future. It’ll happen eventually and when that day comes, I’ll be ready. Well maybe not as ready as I’d like, I mean it’ll probably sneak up on me.

Now don’t get me wrong, I don’t make it a habit thinking about death. It just comes up from time to time in my mind. It comes with the territory, I might talk about that so called territory a little later. So many things to be discussed and I’m not sure how to discuss those things yet. It’s a process, I think. A long process that takes time and time is all I have these days. There’s nothing wrong with that thought. Time will come and time will go, but no matter what happens it will always be there for me to think about. If that’s not a crazy mess then I don’t know what is.

The Future

Now we reach the future. It’s not written, it’s not even made yet, the future is unexpected and everything that comes can be a surprise. What exactly is the future? It’s a moment in time that is past the moment we’re currently in. The future is something to look forward to, it’s not something to be afraid of.

Time Travel

Time travel isn’t possible, yet. If it were we would be seeing time travelers pop up all over the place doing their time travel thing. What’s their time travel thing exactly? Well it has to do with posting on message boards, perhaps calling into talk shows. Warning people about the future and things to come. Yeah all of those things. I know if I were a time traveler, I would go on any form of media I could find and warn the world about what’s to happen.

I wonder what the world would think about such admissions. I’m sure a lot of people would dismiss my future predictions as mindless ramblings. But, what about those who would find it credible. There could be something there. So all I have to do is figure out how to time travel and travel back into the past and just tell people about the future. Sure it might cause a time paradox or some other disaster, but that’s a chance I’m willing to take.

Naturally that’s all depending on if time travel will be possible in the future and if I am able to actually travel through time. I’m not that important, so I am guessing I will never be able to time travel. Not rich enough. Yes I’m sure only the rich will be able to travel through time just so they can get richer. Think about it, you go back in time place the right bets or play the stock market right and bam you have money. Who wouldn’t want to make some money if they could time travel? Exactly my thought.

Jaded¹⁰

Live long enough and you’ll find out that you’re pretty jaded. It’s a curse of just living. You live long enough and you won’t care like you used to. I wish I could say it didn’t happen but it does. It happens to the nicest of people, to the worst of people, all people in fact. It has no care for status or power and affects all people equally.

I’d like to think I haven’t hit the jaded head space yet. I mean that would be nice thinking wouldn’t it? Yeah I thought so. Unless it’s possible to be jaded without knowing it. I guess anything is possible. It would also be nice not to think about anything and be worried about it. I say that’s just life though, you live and worry about whatever comes across your desk.

Life Is Weird

Let’s face it, life can be a little weird at times. I mean there’s a lot of things in this life that are just plain strange. If I don’t realize just how strange or odd this life can be or get, then what am I even doing with my life? What will it do to me? I’m not sure I have all the answers to these questions, and oh so many more questions that come to mind. I’m not sure I like how unstable this life can be at times. It can be a little confusing to be honest.

If confusing is the best it can get? I’ll take it. If it’s the worst it can get? I’ll take that too. There doesn’t appear to be much going on in life if I’m being honest. Maybe I should have titled this section “Life Is Silly”, that would make a bit more sense no wouldn’t it. Yeah, that’s what I was thinking.

Whatever the case and whatever happens in life, it will always be strange to me. But that’s not real news, to me at least. It’s just something that happens during this life. If I could have a normal day inside my head at least, that would be a miracle. But my brain doesn’t like to work that way it would seem and I am stuck in this … prison like place where I can’t think straight. That’s more like it, my mind is a prison and I am the prisoner. I can’t do anything about it and I can’t do anything with it. That’s my mind in a nutshell. That’s why this life is nuts. I don’t make up the rules, I just follow them, and those rules say that life doesn’t make sense, it’s crazy, uncontrollable, and stupid at times. There I said it, and I meant it.

Little Green Men

In space, no one can hear you scream.¹¹

I bet the aliens are behind this life being so messed up at times. They abduct us, do mysterious surgeries on us exploratory and otherwise, and then return us to our homes. Our memories don’t recall the abductions, so we go about our lives thinking everything is okay when it’s not. Naturally this is just a passing thought I have, but I do believe aliens exist in one form or another. What they want from us? That I do not know. Maybe they’re just curious about humans. But I doubt the interest stops there surface deep. It’s gotta be much deeper than that.

If I knew anything there is to know on the subject, I could be a pro at it. But I haven’t studied alien abductions much. Just what I’ve read and heard about. There’s so much to go into I’m sure. Project Blue Book¹² comes to mind. That’s one document I would like to read. I’ve yet to find it though, must do more searching on the internet. I’m sure it’s out there somewhere.

I’d like to think that aliens do in fact exist. They might not look like little green men, or grey or whatever color of the week you choose. They could simply be humans just living on a different planet than our own. Either abducted from Earth and placed there, where they flourished and grew to the size and number they are today. Or that’s just their natural place or origin. I don’t know. I’d like to find out someday though. Always the curious I am.

Let’s give this some thought though. If aliens do exist, then we aren’t alone in the universe. We would be among possibly hundreds of inhabited worlds. Earth wouldn’t just be the only one with “people” on it. We wouldn’t be alone. It’s a comforting thought that we aren’t alone in the universe, yet a scary thought as well. What if those other civilizations are stronger than we are and an invasion is imminent. We just don’t know the time it will take place. Of course these thoughts could just be that, thoughts and I could be a little bit on the paranoid side of life. Trust me, it wouldn’t be the first time. Maybe I watch a little too much sci-fi in my spare time and that’s the cause of the paranoia.¹³ Who knows.

Government Cover up

The government is always covering up something. Aliens are no different. Why else would they have started a top secret project for investigating alien spacecraft, or UFOs as they are most commonly called. If they hid that from the people, what else are they hiding? I’m no expert, and I understand the government has to keep certain things from its people but some things need to be made known.

It’s possible that there are certain things the government keeps from the general population in order to protect us, as a people. Shouldn’t it be up to the civilians, who are being protected, to say if they want that protection? That would mean the government would have to come clean with anything they’re hiding. Do you honestly believe they’ll come forward with any information that would be useful? I doubt it.

Governments are good at keeping secrets, unless you have a whistle blower come forward with information that the people need to hear. Edward Snowden¹⁴ would like to have a word I’m sure. These whistle blowers come forward because they think they have a moral obligation to the truth. They tend to get pushed aside or end up fleeing for their lives because of it. A shame really. The government should be transparent with its citizens and the world of what’s going on, but it isn’t. The government knows how to keep things on the down low, hush hush as it were. That seems to be all they’re good at. They do it because they believe they’re protecting the citizens. But when a government lies, cheats, and steals … how is that protecting exactly? How is that lawful? I’m not sure. Here’s a tweet on X from Edward Snowden:

When a crooked politician calls me traitor, ask yourself: who did I betray? The courts have ruled repeatedly that the programs I revealed were unlawful, and likely unconstitutional—a violation of your rights.

If this is treason, what they call loyalty is a crime.¹⁵

Some would think Snowden is a hero. He was exiled because of what he did. Telling the truth. If telling the truth can get you exiled to a different, foreign country, I’m not sure if it’s right to be wanting to tell the truth anymore about anything the government does. It puts things in a scary perspective, and I don’t like that.

Fun and Games

There’s a popular well known idiom/adage: it’s all fun and games until someone gets hurt. Well ain’t that the down right truth of the matter. You go along with whatever it is you want to or can afford to, until something happens and you can no longer go along with that ideal. It’s not fair to anyone involved and can be a source of hurt and trouble for you. Warnings seldom come to those who have good intentions. You tend to ignore or avoid warnings signs when they’re staring you right in the face, simply because you think you’re doing the right thing. It can be a costly adventure to be sure.

It would be nice to understand why certain things happen to both good and bad people. Is it just a matter of bad luck? Bad timing? What is it exactly that makes bad things happen. Sure some of it can be traced back to making bad decisions, that one’s obvious. But sometimes life just happens and with that terrible things can be thrown in the mix.

Life happens for reasons unknown. There isn’t one key part in life that can explain everything. That’s all there is to it, to be honest. Good things happen to bad people, bad things happen to good people. There’s no rhyme or reason to any of it, and that has to be okay. You can’t even being to try to understand it.

It would be nice to have some understanding of everything that goes on and happens in this life. But I doubt that will ever occur. Life just has a way of sneaking up on you without warning. I don’t think there’s a way to tell life where to stick it no matter how hard you try. The thing about life is it doesn’t care what happens to you. Life continues onward no matter what happens to you. It won’t wait around for you to make up your mind. You miss a deadline? Too bad. Life continues on and someone else benefits from your missed opportunity. That’s just how this life works. Is it unfortunate? At times it is. But there’s nothing you can do about it. You have to take what life gives you and run with it. Life can suck at times, that’s all there is to it.

Lemons

There’s a saying that most people know:

When life gives you lemons, make lemonade.¹⁶

Life tends to give us lemons from time to time. We have to pick ourselves up by our bootstraps and seek out the silver lining in everything that’s happening. If that entails making lemonade from the lemons so be it. It doesn’t mean things will get better right away, but it’s a stepping stone towards something that’s better. Rather it can be a stepping stone to something that’s better. It’s all how you take things in. You have to try and make things better, they won’t just get better because you wish it.

I believe life has given me lemons on several occasions. I didn’t always make lemonade from the situations though. I don’t regret not making lemonade, there just wasn’t enough vodka to put in the lemonade so I wouldn’t remember it. But that was then and this is now. The present doesn’t have to deal with the past, the past is just something that happened and helped shape the present but doesn’t mean it forced the present to be the way it is. Choices are made each and every day how the present is formed. Eventually the present will become the past and the future will become the present, that’s just how this life works.

Sometimes this life will surprise you. It comes in waves really. There are some things that can be determined like clockwork. Other things can’t be figured out or predetermined like you would like. It’s a real mixed bag of nuts at times, and that has to be okay because there’s no other way of going about it. That pretty much sums up this life. It will either screw you over, or you’ll screw life over. Either way something is getting screwed over or messed up.

What’s Past Is Prologue¹⁷

That being said, what has been written is simply prologue.¹⁸ The actual meat of the thought process begins now. I do not know what that meat will be exactly, but it will be something I don’t expect and I hope it will make sense to someone. If it doesn’t make sense? Then I guess you’re just out of luck. Maybe this document is only meant to make sense to me. Have you ever considered that? No, I didn’t think so. If it is all prologue as I have stated, then the actual prologue section isn’t what it would seem. So that doesn’t make anything confusing.

Perhaps the thought process is just an endless stream of whatever is coming from my mind. I don’t always know what’s going on, but I do know what it is I don’t know. What I don’t know is what makes this life worth living. Some people have a purpose for life, a reason for living. I’m not sure I have that in my life. I just live and deal with whatever comes my way. It would be nice to figure out exactly what’s going on in this life, but I’m not sure I know how to make that happen.

There’s three main parts to life:

1. 1. 1. You’re born
      2. You live
      3. You die

There’s not much else going on with life. If living and dying was all we had to deal with? Life would be golden. Unfortunately that’s not what it’s all about. We have to actually live and have experiences that make us grow into, hopefully, better people. That doesn’t always happen though, which is why we have murders and rapists on the loose out in the world. Let’s face it, the world is a mess. Humanity is a mess. We are all just a giant glob of goo and a mess that can’t be straightened out by the end of the day. That’s what we are.

We’re Only Human

There’s a common phrase uttered by people. I was just following orders.¹⁹** Not the sharpest defense in the world, but it gets the message across. It’s been used by a lot of people as an excuse for what they’ve done in life. It means yeah I did it, even though my conscience told me to do differently but I had an order to follow so I did it anyways. That’s the gist of the saying I believe. I’m not sure if people have actually gotten away with doing what they did by citing that quote. It would be an interesting thing to research.²⁰ Well looking at that footnote it doesn’t appear to work too often would be my guess. Interesting.

I think it is better to follow your conscience instead of hoping that you’ll get away with whatever you’re ordered to do. Orders be damned.²¹ Again that’s just my own thinking on the matter. I would rather have a clear conscience than an ugly one looming over my head afraid that I did something wrong and have to face that music.

Granted, whatever happens in this life comes about because of actions we make. Decisions that we decide to have happen or manifest as reality. What exactly is reality now that we come down to it? Is it the current state in which we live? Is it something else? I’m not quite certain what reality really is, aside from it’s definition.²²

Life can get hairy at times. Sometimes it does things that we don’t want it to do and puts us in a situation we didn’t want to be in. Sometimes that comes from decisions we made ourselves and we have to experience the aftermath. Other times it comes about from things we have no control over. Like having a disease or mental illness, we didn’t ask for that to happen it just did.

Mental Illness

Why Did God Do This To Me?

I believe my mental illness came from God. He created me, so why wouldn’t he be the one to give me this mental illness? My thoughts exactly. People say God doesn’t make mistakes. Well He sure knows how to put harmful things in our paths. Just be existing I have this mental illness, it’s called Major Depression with Psychosis.²³ I was first diagnosed with Schizoaffective Disorder,²⁴ but my psychiatrist decided I actually had the other thing. I guess they’re so closely related they can resemble each other? Or something like that, I don’t quite remember. I just know that I have it.

So I tend to wonder why the hell did God give me this mental illness to begin with? Was it just by chance that my brain’s chemicals didn’t decide to balance and I’m stuck with this illness? Was it planned from the beginning of time that I would be like this? I have so many questions that I don’t know how to answer any of them. I can wish all I want but all that wishing comes up with nothing. I don’t have the ability to simply wish it away, oh how I would love to be able to do that! But I can’t. No matter how much I wish, how much I pray, I can’t seem to get rid of this stupid illness. I want to feel normal, I don’t want to feel this way anymore. Sure medication can help with symptoms, but the real underlying issue still remains. A day doesn’t go by where I don’t think about killing myself. Thinking I would be better off dead and all of the nonsense that comes with those thoughts. I know it would put a big damper on those who love and care about me, that’s why I haven’t done anything about it. That’s why I’m still alive clinging onto hope that I’ll get better and overcome this nonsense.

Why Me?

So, why did I have to come down with this illness? I know it happens to 10-19% of people so I’m not alone. But why did I have to have it? Why can’t I just live a normal life like the millions of other people out there. What exactly is normal to begin with? I don’t think anyone has an answer for that. Wishing one didn’t have this illness is one thing, hoping for the same thing is a completely different option.

Granted suicide²⁵ is never the answer. But some thoughts just can’t be helped. I don’t idolize the thought of killing myself. The thoughts just sit there always ready to be thought about. Reminds me of one night in 2013, I was lower than low. I had the knife in my hand, I remember how smooth the handle felt. The blade was sharp and inviting to my wrist. Something stopped me though, I don’t recall exactly what it was … but it was something. I’m glad that something stopped me, I don’t know how I could have lived with myself if I had gone through with it. Yes I believe in an afterlife where we dwell on our mortal lives. Sounds like it can be hell if you ask me. All that time to think and obsess over what we did while we were alive. All the good, the bad, and the ugly. All those thoughts just running around in my brain or soul, or whatever remains after death. Yeah that.

It’s probably not a good thing to even be talking about suicide and my thoughts on it, but I don’t care. It happens to good people you know, it’s not just something that happens to bad people so don’t get that in your mind. Perhaps it’s my moral compass that keeps me at bay. I’m not sure if that’s the case or the medication. Either way I’m still alive and kicking.

Am I supposed to have all of my thoughts and feelings in check? Am I not supposed to have all of these thoughts I’m having? Is it a sin to have such thoughts, or just a sin if I act on these thoughts. I think the jury is still out on that. Unless Google has something to say about if it’s a sin or not. Oh it has a lot to say about it, you can Google it for yourself. I won’t bore you with the details. It’s best that I don’t look up such things myself.

Thinking that you’re better off dead is not a good thought process for anyone. But they tend to stick around anyways. Funny thing this life has a way of messing with my thoughts. If I didn’t know any better I’d say it was some unseen being that I have no control over. I know what you’re thinking, I’m getting all religious on you now. It’s the devil. You think. Well I’m not so sure about that. Sure I believe there’s a heaven and a hell, there’s a God and a devil doing their things to humankind. Remember the story of Job? God and the devil basically had a bet. The devil said no matter what he did to Job he would end up cursing God. God took the bet and allowed the devil to temp Job in anyway that he could, on one condition. He couldn’t take Job’s life. Well the devil took everyone else out of Job’s life. Job never cursed God, he mourned by himself but never turned his back on God.

It’s a strong story of sacrifice and obedience to God. I only hope I can be as strong as Job was if all of that happened to me. Let’s hope none of that ever happens to me. I’m not sure I would be strong enough. I doubt God and the devil would argue over little old me. I’m just not that important for anyone to worry about me like that.

Sometimes Things Don’t Add Up

I think life has it in for me at times. I can’t prove any of it of course, but that’s how I feel. Sometimes you just have to trust your gut instincts, and my spidey sense²⁶** tingles a lot. I’m sure it’s not the same way Spderman’s spdey sense saves him, but I think it’s a thing for sure. Well, I wouldn’t say it saves me to be honest. It’s more of a curse than anything else.

So, when things don’t make sense what are we supposed to do about it? There doesn’t seem to be a sensible answer to any of it if I’m being honest. No time like the present to try and figure out what’s wrong with this life. I mean, what else am I supposed to do with a life where things just don’t make sense. Exactly my thinking.

Voices

Sometimes, when I get really depressed, I hear voices. They tell me to do things to myself, not so nice things. Mostly kill myself. They don’t ever let up either. Just a constant thought to do myself in. I wish I could make them stop, but I don’t feel like I have the ability to do anything about it. It sucks, like really sucks. Other times the voices just whisper my name making me think someone is talking to me when they’re not. That gets annoying, especially when there’s no one in the room with me. So yeah they exist and they are real. Very real.

So, where do these voices come from exactly? I’m not quite sure about that, they come from somewhere. Is it my mind manifesting the voices? Is my own mind betraying me? It’s quite possible that’s what’s going on. But what do I know? I haven’t researched any of it yet. I’d like to know for certain where the voices come from. If it is my own mind, then that’s just plain creepy to me. I fear that they are just coming from my mind, and my mind is a jerk for allowing it to happen.

The more violent the voices get, the more anxious I tend to get. Yeah sometimes I hear people arguing in my head. I don’t like it when they argue. It’s usually about something I have no clue what they’re talking about, but hey it’s the nature of the beast. I think that’s just how life happens for now. I hate it, but that’s life for you. It would be nice to be able to simply shut it all down in my mind. I’m not sure exactly how that’s meant to go down. But there has to be a way. If it’s through medication, I’m onboard with that. I’m still waiting for certain medications to kick in fully and work the way they’re meant to work.

Living Your Best Life

Life is rather important for the most part. I mean it’s why we’re here right? It could be a coincidence, but I doubt it. Life means choosing to live in this world, not giving up and quitting. Maybe that’s why I’m still alive, I’m not a quitter. If I were a quitter, I wouldn’t be alive right now I would have offed myself a while ago. Heaven knows I’ve had the different opportunities to try. I mean come on, who hasn’t had such thoughts before. Don’t answer that. I’m sure there are plenty of people who don’t have such thoughts. Lucky them.

Maybe if I didn’t have these thoughts, life would be a little easier. Well, hate to burst that bubble but life isn’t as easy as it would seem. Life is downright difficult at times, there’s not much to say about the difficulties that are faced day in and day out. They’re all just what feels like a mess of life in which I live. I’ve just come to face that face and have moved forward with life, I’ll take it as it comes at me.

There are some days that tend to be better than other days. Sometimes I wish the bad days could simply go away. I’m not sure how to do that however, so I am stuck with both the good and bad days alike. That’s just what life requires from time to time I suppose.

Anxious To Live

Anxiety is a hell of a drug. If that’s even a correct phrase to be saying. It’s something I deal with and have to deal with on a daily basis. It’s just something that’s there. Nothing I am able to fully figure out most of the time, but well who’s counting what can and cannot be figured out? I’m not. What’s the use trying to figure everything out anyways.

It feels like life is falling apart a lot of the time. I don’t know how else to describe it. With the overwhelming thoughts constantly in my head that don’t want to go away, I’m kind of stuck where I am at the present moment in time. Ah yes the present moment, what else would I be talking about. It is the present in which I live and exist. There is no other. Today is the only day that will be today, tomorrow is a different day altogether.

I doubt I’ll be able to clear everything up by tomorrow. I don’t think life works out that way. Well it doesn’t work out that way for me at least. That’s just life I think. I’m not really sure how this life is supposed to work out, but I know it’s not always meant to be an easy ride. If life were an easy ride, things would just be well easy. Simple right? Yeah that’s what I thought. Those are the breaks I guess. Nothing too exciting, at least I don’t think so.

Having anxiety is not good, mix it with depression and you have a basket case on your hands. The depression tells me nope don’t do it, you don’t care about anything. The anxiety fires back with well if you don’t do it you’ll be in trouble. Crazy times that is. A constant battle inside my brain. It comes with the territory I suppose. Not a cheerful way to live most days. But I deal. I have to deal, there’s no other way to do it. If you can find a way to deal without having to deal I would love to hear it. For now I’ll just keep doing what I’ve been doing. Freaking out whenever things occur and trying to just deal with it. I’m not sure how to go about doing any of that though. This life can be messy at times. I wish I knew what was going on.

Death, A Certain End

There is no exit out of this life except through death. That’s just how the ball tumbles down the hill it would seem. Without death, everyone would just what live forever? No one would move onto the next portion of life? Yeah I don’t see that happening. There’s an order to this life and it must be followed. The rules don’t change or get tossed out the window because someone wishes it to happen. Death will come for us all, that’s a plain and simple truth.

Without death, the world would become overpopulated. Resources would be stretched thin and we wouldn’t survive. They say it’s all part of the circle of life. Yes that circle of life.²⁷ You know the one I’m referring to. It’s quite a good song if you ask me, covers all the bases.

They say everything has a season.²⁸ Well death is no exception. Found in Ecclesiastes:

3.1 To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:

3.2 A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;

3.3 A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up;

3.4 A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;

3.5 A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;

3.6 A time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away;

3.7 A time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;

3.8 A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace.

If that ain’t the truth of life, then I don’t know what is. It’s quite a simple truth once you think about it. We like plain and simple truths now and again. It just makes things better once you realize what’s out there and what’s more stable to begin with. Life sometimes doesn’t make sense, death sometimes doesn’t make sense. When the grim reaper comes knocking on your door, will you be ready for him?

I know I will be ready for death when it comes. There’s no other option but to be ready. Living a good life prepares you for death. There’s no other way around it. In order to cross the ultimate boundary you must die. It’s a matter of fact. Maybe there’s nothing that can actually prepare you for death. I doubt it will come with a clashing of cymbals to alert you that death is coming. Some think that animals can sense death is at the door. I’m not quite sure where I stand on that thought. I think if I had my way, I would check out now. No better time than the present.

I think the part that scares me the most about death is the act of dying. That’s got to be painful in its own right. Having a stroke, a heart attack, dying on impact from a parachute not opening on time. There are so many ways to go out of this world. I can’t count them all. I’m sure being this obsessed about death²⁹** can’t be a good thing. Hell there’s even a term for it! I did not know that until I googled it.

Let’s face it, I am worried about my own mortality. I realize death is just a part of the program, but what happens when we die? I mean is there just a big waiting room in the sky for us where we wait for some kind of afterlife to take hold of us for the remainder of our journey? Some people and religious institutions claim they know what happens to us after we die. But they really don’t know, do they. I mean how can one know what happens unless they go through the pain of death and see what’s on the other side. They can’t know for certain. My rational mind can’t think beyond this life because I haven’t experienced it yet. Until that time comes, I will forever be wondering about death and what comes after this life.

With our limited minds, we see a beginning, a middle, and an end to life. That’s all there is. There is no continuation after this life. Once it’s over it’s over. You have one chance to live and there’s nothing else that can be done about it. I think coming to such a conclusion about life brings about a certain closure to it all. It feels right to me. There doesn’t appear to be any other way of going about it.

Have We Not Heard The Chimes At Midnight³⁰

To reflect back on a past full of life is an amazing accomplishment. I for one would like to say I’ve lived an okay life. Sure there have been mistakes, haven’t we all made mistakes from time to time. Perhaps the past isn’t something to look fondly back at.

• C'est la vie.³¹*

There were simpler times, sure, but those times didn’t last. They only grew to become difficult and with that difficulty comes more stress and worry than I have ever seen before in life. No matter the past you lived, the future still comes for you. There’s no excuse for anyone, you can’t live in the past. You can remember it, you can recall it, but you cannot survive in it.

Thinking about the past can be an interesting exercise. To remember the times that have long since gone can be full of nostalgia. Memories that do not fade or go away easily. That’s just how this life is from time to time. I do not know how anything can be explained from it. Again, that’s just how life is.

Maybe the right time to think about the past is when all is said and done. But when will that happen, when will that take place. There’s no way of telling exactly what will happen in this life. It remains to be seen³²** and that’s all there is to it.

We’re not meant to have all the answers in this life. There would be no mystery to any of it if we did. That’s what makes life enjoyable. The excitement of not knowing what’s coming or what’s around the next bend. That’s what makes life worth living. We can see where we’ve been and where we are now, but the future remains something we do not know.

It Would Have Been Nice

Ah regrets. Those one things that come when you least expect them. There are times when you wish you hadn’t done something. Or wish you could have a do over. A time when you simply wish the past could be changed. But you cannot go back and change the past. It is now set in stone forever immovable. There is no going back, you can only choose to go forward. That’s the law of the universe at large.

So what do we do when these thoughts enter our minds? I know I try and make them go away as there’s nothing I am able to do about it. If there was something that could be done, I highly doubt I would do anything about it to begin with. There isn’t a reason to go back and try and change things. The past has made me who I am today. It doesn’t define me, but it does play a role in who I am today. Do I have regrets?³³ Sure do. I think everyone has regrets from time to time. The key is not to dwell on them though.

Ah regrets. The age old thought process that something from your past can haunt you in the present. That’s why they call them regrets because you are annoyed that you did something and wish you hadn’t done it to begin with. It’s a huge ordeal to some people. Other people are able to pass by it like water off a ducks back.³⁴ I wish I could do something like that, just let it roll off and continue on like there was nothing wrong with life.

Forgiving Yourself

There are times in this life where we have to learn to forgive ourselves. We might be able to forgive others but it’s important to forgive ourselves as well. We can’t keep forgiving others and be hard on ourselves. It’s not fair to us. So do yourself a solid and forgive yourself for whatever it is that has you down or concerned. You’ll be doing yourself a huge favor by doing that. You’ll thank yourself later too.

Cancer

So, cancer sucks. Let’s start with that. People I’ve known have had cancer and it’s been a battle. People I know are facing a cancer scare. I don’t know what to do about any of it. It’s a scary thought, everything about cancer screams scary. There has to be a way to get through these … emotions without fully crushing into the ground and crying my eyes out. Being scared is a lot to go through. It’s a lot of emotions to feel all at once. Bam! Like a semi truck going down the road plows into you. Did you get the license plate number on it? I sure as hell didn’t.

Cancer is a scary word. You hear it and it sends chills down your spine.³⁵ Not the good kind either. So that’s a thing, a most terrible thing to have to experience. Living through the waiting to see if your loved one has cancer is like waiting for the other shoe to drop.³⁶ You already had the first shoe drop just by the mention of the word, the second shoe is when it actually comes true, that it’s a thing. You never want the second shoe to drop.

Seeking Therapy

Therapy can be good for a number of reasons. Sometimes you just need someone to talk to who’s willing to listen. It’s that simple. Well, I think it’s that simple. When my dad died, my therapist suggested I write letters to my dad. I strongly believe my dad is sticking around watching over the family. He can read what I write and knows that I’m thinking about him. It’s comforting in a way.

Naturally therapy can only get you so far. There are some things that take more than a therapist when it comes to emotions. Medication comes to mind. Sometimes you just must have some medication to get you through the day. Adjusting to such medications can be tricky naturally, but it takes time. Eventually it gets in your system and everything is fine again. Listen to me, I say fine again like everything just goes back to normal.

In my life, nothing is considered normal. To have a normal day would be a blessing. But my brain is too busy thinking of different ways I can die that normal isn’t in my vocabulary. That’s simply how it is. It would be nice not to have these thoughts in my head but the voices don’t allow me such a luxury.

Perhaps life isn’t what it’s cracked up to be. I’m not so sure about it. My therapists always ask me why I want to die, what do I have to live for those kinds of questions. At one point I thought I knew the answer to said questions. Now? I’m not so sure. There are people I care about, is living for them enough? Am I enough? The devil inside me says no.

Wanting To Die

Let’s face it, death is inevitable. It will come. But the question is when will it come. Now that’s where the meat is. If I had the answers to that question, I might be convinced to extend my life out a bit longer than I plan to. It feels like there’s no reason to live right now. It would be nice if I could find a reason to survive all of this nonsense. But I’m not sure I know how to do that. It is a mystery. But it is my mystery to uncover and figure out, no one else.

Thinking about suicide can be a dangerous tricky road to go down. You don’t want to be constantly obsessing over thoughts like that. It’s just life, really it is. I don’t know how else to sell it. Life’s problems get in the way and without that, maybe some peace could happen. I’m not sure if peace would help right now. That’s what I fear the most. A normal life where none of these thoughts occur.

What would a normal life be like? One where I don’t have these thoughts. Where I don’t feel like doom is around every corner lurking, waiting for me. Now that would be an interesting sight. Scary for sure, as I have lived with these thoughts for so long in my life. Anything else would be absurd at this point in time, I would consider it unnatural even.

Maybe I’ve just accepted all of this to be part of my normal. Like there isn’t anything but this way of thinking. Is that possible? I’m not sure. I know I’m just spit balling my thoughts here, I’m sure none of this makes any sense. It’s like nailing jelly to a wall hoping it sticks. It won’t. Kind of gives you a glimpse into how my mind works at times I guess. Hope it’s not too scary for you to see what’s going on in there.

The quirky thing about life is this. It will come to a certain end. The end will come, it’s nigh at the door waiting for you. You just don’t know when it will take you. That’s the secret, none of us knows when we will bite the big one and go onto the next phase of existence. There’s no real scorecard being kept. No one wins or loses this game. It just happens. When death finally comes I hope it happens quickly. No pain. No worrying about if I’d done everything I wished I had wanted to do. I just want it to be over as quickly as possible. The end. No turning back. No passing go to collect two hundred dollars. Nothing. Then I can rest from all my worldly cares, then I can finally be at peace.

Isn’t that what people want most out of this life, peace? I think that would be the case. Without peace where do we stand. We’re stuck between a rock and a hard place hoping for something better to come along. My how glorious that day will finally be when I can rest from everything. I can’t wait for it.

So, What’s Next?

So many thought processes come and go from time to time. What’s next to come after everything on this life is over. Is there an afterlife? Is there some magical place we go to where there are unicorns waiting to greet us? Magical unicorns. They’re in the bible you know. Don’t believe me? Do a search, you’ll find them.³⁷ Okay so they aren’t a mythical horse, so sue me. But they are mentioned and that is good enough for me.

If there isn’t anything after this life, I’m gonna be rather upset. I’ve been banking on the fact that there’s something that comes after this life my entire existence. To have that stripped out from underneath me? That wouldn’t be cool.

The thing about the afterlife is this. No one can tell you what’s on the other side. They haven’t been there so they don’t know. So, if no one has the details of what’s going on in the afterlife then we are up to ourselves to hopefully guess what will happen with any of it. Guessing hardly does anything for me these days. So I am back to square one when it comes to what comes after all of this.

Being back at square one doesn’t feel like it’s that great of an opportunity to figure anything out. Yeah, it would be nice to have answers. But if you don’t have all the facts, answers can seem to be far and few between. They don’t just pop up out of nowhere. That’s what this life does to us. We become jaded to the fact that life will screw us over and there’s nothing we can do about it.

Things Don’t Matter

A lot of things in this life don’t matter. There are so many things which we come across that we think matter but in reality they don’t. That’s just how this life rolls. It would be nice to be able to deal with all of these thoughts all at once, but I’m not sure that’s how it’s meant to work. I think we’re supposed to take it one step at a time, hoping for something better. When that better thing comes along, you have to embrace it and see where it will lead.

If we allow life to take us where it wants to take us, we have the opportunity to find out exactly what we need from this life. Sometimes it’s life that has the answers we need, not us. We don’t have all the answers to life's problems and those problems seem to mount higher and higher the longer we’re alive. If you aren’t able to find the good things in life to consider, maybe you’re looking down the wrong path.

Sometimes the wrong path can lead you to the right path. All those wrong roads can lead you to a road that’s right and true. It can be a crazy road to walk down but one road that is possible to survive. Survival is an important aspect of life. Without survival, we would be lost without a way to escape whatever it is that’s meant to happen. Life has a plan for each and every one of us. It can be complicated at times, this much is true. But it also has the ability to provide whatever is needed in this life. If you can get through the needed part, you can do anything. That’s the truth of the matter. So perhaps this life matters after all. That could mean something, what exactly? I haven’t a clue.³⁸** If life has a purpose, I’ve yet to find out what that is. I’m sure it’s useful to some degree. How useful? Well that I’m not so sure about. It must be something important if we’re here thinking about it. But that’s just the mind overthinking probably, it does that from time to time.

The End

It Was Inevitable

The end had to come eventually. I couldn’t just keep typing random thoughts forever. So, where do we go from here? There are so many possibilities. This life is full of surprises. Might this just be another surprise that wasn’t announced? Surprises rarely are announced. That’s what makes them a surprise. You know what else is a surprise? Nightmares.

Nightmares are the things of legends. They come to you in your sleep and make it a living hell. There’s nothing worse than a nightmare when you don’t want it to occur. Okay I’m sure there are some things that are worse, but nightmares are pretty bad.

I believe the Waking Nightmares are the worst. You know the kind, you’re awake and you’re having nightmares like you’re asleep. You’re awake though. I don’t have a better name for them and Google isn’t telling me anything about them, so they might not be real to the outside world; but they’re real to me. It would be nice if they stopped, but they don’t and I have to deal with it. I suppose Waking Moments could be another term for it.

It Was Always Meant To Happen

Do you believe in fate? I think there’s a thing called fate. That something was meant to happen, that it was always meant to happen, it will always mean to happen. No matter how many times you try to change things, they will not change. That’s the stakes of the game at the end of the day. You can’t change what’s coming, you can only prepare for what’s up next.

I believe we live in a fixed timeline. What’s meant to be will always happen. There’s nothing else that can be done to change it. It’s like the future has already been determined long before we were born. But that’s just how I feel about the future. I believe God knows what decisions we will make in our lives. He knows how our lives will turn out. There’s nothing you can pull over on God. He is the almighty after all. He knows everything.

Where does the power of choice go then? I can hear you asking the question already. Well, to be honest I don’t know if we really have the power to choose what we want to do in this life. I’m starting to wonder it myself if we have that ability or not. If this life is predetermined, then we really don’t have the ability to make choices on our own. Our futures are laid out for us from the very beginning. Sure there might be some instances where we can make small choices. What we decide to eat that day, things of that nature. But the big choices are all planned well in advance. That’s just how things are. I doubt anyone can change my mind.

Don’t Go Prying

There are some things that are better left alone. They don’t need us trying to figure them out. If we leave them alone, the natural course of events will take place and everything will happen the way it’s meant to happen. No questions asked. We can learn a lot from the mistakes we make than the ones we don’t.

It’s best not to poke the bear. Whatever that means. Is it anything like waking a sleeping giant? I suppose it is. If we end up upsetting the balance of life, the life we know comes crumbling down around us. The walls will fall apart and we will have nothing to lean against. Without walls, we aren’t safe anymore. We become vulnerable. Sometimes vulnerability is the worst thing to come across.

If we open a quarrel between past and present, we shall find that we have lost the future.³⁹

Important words to live by and remember. If we can but remember them and survive. That’s all which matters most. Don’t mess with the past, don’t frak with the present. Just live your life the way it was meant to be lived. Don’t go fooling around messing things up.

Make Life Worth It

This life has to be made good in some form or another. That’s just how it’s meant to be. I don’t make the rules of this life. If I did, I’d make sure certain things were made possible. That some things didn’t happen. But unfortunately life doesn’t work that way, I am not the one in charge. I can only make changes in my own life, but that’s not enough. I don’t think it is.

If this life comes to an end, I only hope it’s a swift quick end. I don’t want to suffer more than I have to. I realize suffering is par for the course, but the less of it the better. My mind already overthinks too much for everything to be a coincidence. Now, I may simply be overstating everything here, and that’s quite possible. But I won’t know it until I have it all figured out. I don’t know how long that will take.

I think it would be nice if I could take a step outside of my mind from time to time and see what I look like from a different point of view. How my anxiety and depression take hold of me at times. Stuff like that. I’m not sure I would like what I see. I know I don’t like what I feel most days, but that’s just me.

So the goal of life is to make it as amazing as possible. It’s not an easy task. But it is possible. Anyone can make their life be what they want it to be. There are no boundaries that can’t be overcome. No mountain too high to climb. It’s all within grasp with the right mindset. I’d like to believe that mindset can be attainable by anyone.

Anything is possible in this life, you just have to give it some thought. All it takes is some time to think things through. So that’s where we’re currently at. That’s all which matters in this life. Thinking things over and making a commitment to what you see to be the truth. That’s all it takes, nothing more.

Only Time Will Tell

It’s a well known phrase. The “only time will tell” bit is all about waiting to see what will happen. Life has consequences for our actions. Some consequences are good while others are not so good. Some can damage us irrevocably. That’s what this life does to us from time to time though and we have to deal with it. We’ve got to pick up the pieces of our life where things fall apart.

Courage is key. When we’re falling apart, it’s important to try and have courage to get through and weather the storm we are facing. That storm can be a violent one. There’s no mistake about it. If we can get through the storm we can do anything. Make anything happen. Make anything possible. That’s the courage I’m talking about here.

So take that as you will. Either with a grain of salt or something more hefty. Either way, the truth of the matter won’t change a damn thing. Whatever you do, don’t screw up.

Is that such a difficult thing to understand? I doubt it. I think it’s rather an easy thing to accomplish. Don’t mess things up for you. You don’t want to live in a life where you screwed things up by either saying or doing the wrong thing. It can be a very messed up world, that’s a fact, but don’t get caught up in that mess. You’ll have regrets if you do. Try to keep your nose clean.

Time Marches On

The funny thing about life? It keeps going forward. It doesn’t care what you end up doing with it. No matter how this life turns out for you, it continues to march forward without you. It really doesn’t care about you. There’s a special song I like.

Time
Is marching on
And time
Is still marching on⁴⁰

That’s the funny thing about life. Like the song says, you get older and time continues to march on with or without us. That’s the truth of the matter. You know I couldn’t make something like that up. Maybe there’s more to living this life than simply living. I’m not quite certain what that’s all about, but it’s got to be something doesn’t it? Maybe. Then again, maybe not.

If life has a tendency to move on without you, does life really even have a care in the world? I doubt it. If it did, maybe life wouldn’t be so harsh on us at times. It could be gentle and caring more than we ever thought. I don’t know if that makes any sense, to me it makes perfect sense. But, then again, that’s just me. Oh how I wish I had all the answers in the world to pass them onto you, dear reader. Life would be simpler that way, wouldn’t it. Yeah, that’s what I was thinking.

Maybe life can be changed for the better. I don’t know how that can happen if the past has already come and gone. If time is going forward ever so slightly, we can possibly change some things in this life to make it better. Not everything can be changed of course, there are some things that just can’t be messed with or interrupted.

There are so many things in this life that would be nice if life would just slow down a pace and we could breathe. Life feels rushed at times. Everyone is in such a hurry to do this or that they forget to smell the roses. Or take a sip of coffee now and again. Take your heads out of whatever it is and look up once in a while. It’s life you’re missing out on. Sounds simple doesn’t it? I assure you it’s not. When tasked with so many things at once, you have to actually make time for some form of pleasure. If that pleasure is watching clouds? Then do it. Watch some clouds go by, maybe you’ll see a hopping bunny.

If I Had A Nickel

You know the phrase. If I had a nickel every time something happened I’d be rich. Or something similar to those words. You could replace nickel with penny, dime, or dollar. It would still mean the same thing. It refers to an annoyance. Something constantly happens that annoys you, so you would be rich if you had a nickel every time that happened.

Annoyances are like candy, they keep coming back no matter how much sugar you’ve already had. There’s always more than you can count. Life isn’t always sunshine and ponies. It can be dark at times. Difficult even. Who’s to say what goes on is what’s right for each of us. I doubt you’ll find a pleasing answer for any of it.

Sometimes you have to let go. Let it all go and see where that will take you. If the anger subsides you’re doing the right thing. But if the anger is still there? You need to let it go even further. Sounds simple doesn’t it. Well it takes a lot of time and effort on your part to do the right thing.

Maybe It’s Different

Perhaps there are some things in this life that are simply different than others because that’s the way it’s meant to be. Maybe a broken typewriter isn’t broken, that’s just how it works differently from all the other typewriters. Maybe we are all perfect, for lack of a better word, just the way we are.

One of the biggest threats to life is the impossibility of trying to be perfect as God expects us to be. But here’s the catch, I don’t think God expects to be perfect here on Earth, but that we strive for perfection. There’s a difference between being perfect and trying our best to be better than we are.

So many things can happen in a person’s life. Some things are unexpected, others are rather quite expected. I tend to see things through a glass darkly⁴¹** at times. Not having all the information I need can be quite upsetting to me.

Things are either black or white to me, on or off. There is no in between state of life. You’re either right or you are wrong. There are no gray areas to this life. That way of thinking can cause some problems however. It feels like life would be better if I didn’t have such two dimensional thinking. I could be wrong about how everything happens or works in this life. I could be wrong about so many things. If I’m wrong about how this life is, what else am I wrong about? Makes me wonder at times. I admit it is possible that I am wrong about so many things in this life and I just don’t have a clue.

I wonder at times where my linear thinking comes from. Where the notion that it’s either right or wrong comes from. Is it possible there is a gray area and I’m not seeing it?

Let Sleeping Dogs Lie⁴²

There are times in this life where you just don’t want to cause trouble. Life is going along as it should, so why rattle the cage? There doesn’t seem to be a reason to any of it, so why do people want to make a mess of things is beyond me. Sometimes people just want to mess with things they have no right of being involved in. People can be nosy is all. That’s all there is to it. It’s a complicated mess at times though and there isn’t a reason why.

Change comes to us at different points in life. Sometimes we understand why the change is necessary. Other times we don’t have a clue. But change does come no matter what happens or what we do or say.

Sometimes things are best left alone. We don’t need to meddle with how the world is progressing. Not everyone thinks that way though and they tend to change things that shouldn’t be changed or tampered with. I don’t think the timeline wants too much change either, there are certain things that have to remain constant.

Hating Life⁴³

Sometimes life feels so cramped that I hate it. I don’t know how quite to explain what I feel when this happens. I have to deal with this hatred at some point, this I know. But I’m not sure how to go about it. There are times where the feelings are so strong they’re overpowering even. It would be nice not to feel this way. But I do, and I have to accept the fact that these feelings might never go away. That scares me. What else can drop down on me during this time of feeling vulnerable? I think there are too many thoughts and feelings that can happen. I don’t like it. Not one bit. But it’s a life I live and have to deal with, so I’m not sure where my feelings come into play exactly.

Are my feelings even relevant in a time like this? I don’t know. Some would have you believe all you have to do is buckle up and you’ll be fine. But when are you fine exactly? Before, during, or after the mental exhaustion. That’s what I want to know.

Sometimes these emotions can be too strong for me to handle. I wish they weren’t so damn strong at times. I mean, if I could deal or handle them better I don’t think I would be in this place. But that’s the problem. I don’t know how to handle any of them. I’m at a loss for words, which if you know me is hard to come by. Sometimes I don’t know when to shut the hell up.

Sometimes I feel like I’m struggling to breathe. I can hear my heart beating through my chest just bursting at the seams. Yeah I don’t get it either most of the time. That’s life.

The End Is Nigh

Everything in life eventually comes to an end. There’s no stopping it and when life ends, where will we all end up? Where will we be? That I do not know. I don’t think anyone really knows what will happen. People can have their guesses, educated or not, and they can have their theories. But in reality no one knows. I think I prefer the mystery of it all, not knowing. I’d rather not know then have some expectation to live up to. In order to survive whatever is coming, you have to have a good moral standing. That’s all there is to it.

It brings a thought to my mind. I’ve had it several times in fact and I wonder. You just have to wonder if it’s possible. What if there is nothing after this life? What if we go to sleep one night and it’s all over. We don’t end up going to some greater place, there’s no heaven no hell no in between place. Everything just stops. How would that turn out for all of us? It’s an interesting thought. Take a dirt nap and sleep forever. I am intrigued by the notion.

Being intrigued is not enough. Not by a long shot. Knowledge has to come from within. Without knowledge, we are but nothing. They say knowledge is power.⁴⁴** Knowledge is what makes us go, it’s what makes us forge into the future with our heads held high.

There are things in this world that don’t always make sense. I think the afterlife is one of those things. Is there a heaven or a hell? Or is it just reincarnation and everyone just goes through all the motions all over again. That thought has crossed my mind. What if we get recycled after we die. If things didn’t go good this time around, we live it all over again starting from scratch. The cycle continues until we get it right and end up where we belong. If that’s the case, then we could have gone through this life a hundred times by now and we don’t know that we’ve been here before.

Death Revisited

If death is the final end to this life, then what use is living. We’re all going to go the way of the dinosaurs anyways. They kinda had it rough if you ask me. Getting hit by an asteroid has got to be the worst way of going out. I remember a comic about how the dinosaurs really died. They were all smoking.⁴⁵** I prefer to believe an asteroid wiped them all out. I’m not sure exactly how all of that worked out for mankind to inhabit the Earth, but I guess it happened and everyone lived happily ever after.

Everyone’s kismet⁴⁶** is to die. That’s all there is to it. I doubt there’s anything else that can be said about death except for the fact that it happens to all of us. Whatever, I’m over it by now. There’s not much else to say other than what I’ve already said. Screw it. Memories will be all that we have when we die. There’s nothing else that will be. The rest will be lost, long forgotten by anyone who even cared remotely about us. The end means the end. There’s nothing more than that.

Death Is Rather Permanent

It’s a rather unfortunate reality but if death is the end of all things, then that’s rather final isn’t it. There’s a quote from a television show I like to remember:

But the penalty for these crimes on your planet is death; and that's rather permanent.⁴⁷

Talk about a quote that will stay with you the rest of your life. I know it’s something I’ll never forget. Sure it’s talking about the death penalty on an alien planet. But the fact that death is permanent, that’s saying something. It’s not a very long sentence, but it gets the message across. Media tends to have a lot of good quotes no matter the source material.

There are some quotes that will stick with you till the day you die. Possibly longer than that if everything works out like it should.⁴⁸** Let’s face it, life has a way of ending. Sometimes it’s graceful, other times it’s downright nasty and gory. Either way? It ends.

I guess it all comes down to who wins in the end. It’s a good vs evil game in my book. I’d like to think the good guys win. But you never know how sneaky the devil can be. But the important thing is to keep in mind that Evil must be opposed.⁴⁹**

Death Is Necessary

They say death is an important step in life. It’s a necessary thing that must happen. No matter who we are, young, old, bond, free, rich, or poor. Death is a step we all must take. Sometimes death happens for people sooner than they’d like. It also happens later than people would like as well. It’s the way this life just happens to be. I don’t have a say in it. I wish I did about my own life, but I don’t. I don’t get to make those kinds of choices about my own life. That’s up to God to do that kind of choosing for me.

I suppose I should be grateful that I’m still alive. I’m not sure why that is exactly. But I’m sure there’s a reason out there … somewhere. I’m not sure I am able to say I am grateful for any of it. There has to be something to be grateful for in this life or in death. I’m not sure what that is exactly. Maybe it’s time I tried to figure something good about this life out. That doesn’t even sound like a proper sentence. But it’s how I feel right now, and if that feeling will lead me somewhere good? I need to make sure it works out for me.

Suicide Isn’t The Answer

Let’s face it. Suicide isn’t a glamorous way out of this life. It isn’t the answer to our problems. It might feel like it is at times, but that’s not the case. It’s a lie, a lie the enemy wants you to believe in. A lie that a lot of people believe in and they don’t know any better.

Evidence shows asking someone if they're suicidal can protect them. They feel listened to, and hopefully less trapped. Their feelings are validated, and they know that somebody cares about them. Reaching out can save a life.⁵⁰

Thoughts of suicide can be overwhelming. Sometimes they are there just because I want whatever situation is currently weighing me down to stop. There are so many things in this life that can cause stress and those thoughts can also be overwhelming. I’m not sure how to deal with stress most of the time. So here I am, stuck between a rock and a hard place. A decision must be made everyday to try and survive whatever comes my way.

The 3 C's of suicide crisis response—Connection, Collaboration, and Choice—provide a framework for helping someone in distress. They emphasize making the person feel understood, working together on solutions, and empowering them to take part in their own recovery.

Connection: Actively listening, validating feelings, and reducing isolation to help the person feel understood and less alone.

Collaboration: Working together to identify the root causes of pain and actively creating a safety plan or finding solutions.

Choice: Empowering the individual by involving them in decision-making for their care, which restores control and fosters hope for recovery.⁵¹

The thing with communication though, is it’s difficult to do at times. I fear if I were to communicate what it is I feel, they would come and take me away. These thoughts and feelings are real. I know they aren’t right. But they are still real feelings I experience day-to-day. If I could die tomorrow it wouldn’t be soon enough. I would welcome it. Is that so difficult to understand or grasp? I don’t think it is. To me, death makes sense. It’s where I want to be right now. Is that too much to ask or want? You tell me.

I know thinking this way isn’t healthy. But it’s how I feel. Are my feelings not real? Are they not legitimate? I often wonder that myself. But I do know they exist inside my mind. I don’t know how else to describe any of this. Maybe that’s not the point. I don’t have to describe any of this to anyone. I don’t owe anyone an explanation about anything to anyone. That’s just how I feel about it. That’s my thoughts on the matter.

The funny thing about thoughts, anyone can have any thought they feel like having or discovering. There’s nothing wrong with thoughts. They happen to all of us, all walks of life. Thoughts don’t care about race, religion, sexuality, anything. They appear to us all no matter what we try to do to stop them. There’s a term for it. Let’s talk about that next.

Intrusive Thoughts

There are these things called intrusive thoughts. They’re kinda hard to describe at times. But I’ll do my best. Google is your friend you know:

Intrusive thoughts are unwanted, distressing, or shocking ideas, urges, or images that involuntarily pop into the mind. They often involve violent, sexual, or taboo content that contradicts a person's values. While common and generally harmless, they can cause anxiety, guilt, or shame, and may become severe enough to indicate conditions like OCD, anxiety, or PTSD.⁵²

I’ve been living with intrusive thoughts for as long as I can remember. I don’t know when they first began manifesting themselves to me. But they’ve been around for a while now. I wish I could have a final way to get rid of them but I’m not sure how that all works. Therapy didn’t do a damn thing for them. Medication hasn’t done anything either. So I’m not sure what I’ll end up doing with them. They might just be part of my life from here on out. Who knows for sure. I had a therapist ask if I’ve had unwanted sexual urges point blank. I told her yes I have. We didn’t go into details thank goodness. But yeah they’re there.

The thoughts continue no matter how I try to make them stop. The thoughts simply keep coming. It would be nice to be able to have them go away never to return. But I don’t know how to do that. I don’t know if there’s a way to do that. All I do know is if these thoughts don’t go away, they’ll drive me insane. I don’t want to be there, again. But it would seem I’m there already, so what does that say about me? I don’t have the faintest idea.

In fact there’s a lot I don’t know what to think about most days. It would be nice to be able to figure something out once in a blue moon.⁵³** But I’m not sure I can do that. My mental health seems to be waging war against me at times. There doesn’t feel like a good way to get through it or past it, or whatever. That’s just life.

I think this life wouldn’t be the same without certain things or aspects in place. These thoughts are part of me. They happen because I think. They come at me without warning, it would be nice if they gave me a heads up or something. But that doesn’t ever happen now does it. No, I didn’t think so.⁵⁴

Conclusion

This life has many roadblocks and other interesting things that happen. There’s no way around it. No matter what happens, this life will always be around and it will continue to be around until the end of time. No matter what happens, we have to get through whatever happens and life will continue to roll. That’s just how it is.

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1. Times become difficult when we don’t know if we’re coming or going. It’s just a thing that happens I guess. One day we’re here and the next we’re there. There’s no simple way to figure out exactly where we are at any given moment in life. Trying to get through this life can be difficult, it’s a long slope downward at times and an uphill battle at other times. That’s life for you.

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2. Benjamin Franklin from a 1789 letter to Jean-Baptiste Leroy regarding the new U.S. Constitution.

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3. Bruce Lee

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4. Difficult is an easy word to say what some people go through, Honestly, they go through pure hell just to face another challenge that is also pure hell. There’s got to be a better way of explaining this, but I don’t know how to do that. To me life doesn’t have a lot of gray areas. Life is either black or white. There’s nothing in between. I’m sure there are some people who can see gray areas in their life. I just don’t see how that’s possible. I don’t know why I can’t seem to see that. I know life isn’t just black and white. My brain knows this, but I can’t seem to accept that fact.

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5. “If wishes were horses, beggars would ride” means that simply wishing for something is not enough; one must take action to make it happen. Originating as a 17th-century proverb, it suggests that if desires were easy to fulfill, everyone —even the poorest—would have everything they want.

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6. Questions come in so many forms and flavors. They can be silly, crazy questions that require no answer or they are questions that require an answer now, not ten years from now, now.

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7. Buddha

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8. Used to urge someone to make the most of the present time and give little thought to the future. Book 1 of the Roman poet Horace's work Odes (23 BC).

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9. See “I Dream of Genie”

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10. Jaded describes a state of feeling tired, bored, or lacking enthusiasm, typically caused by overexposure, excess, or having experienced too much of something. It often implies being cynical, world-weary, or emotionally dulled due to disappointment. Originating from a term for a worn-out horse, it signifies being exhausted or overindulged.

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11. Tagline for the 1979 science fiction horror film Alien.

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12. Project Blue Book was a systematic U.S. Air Force investigation of Unidentified Flying Objects (UFOs) from 1952 to December 1969, based at Wright-Patterson AFB, Ohio. It aimed to determine if UFOs threatened national security and to analyze sightings scientifically. Of 12,618 cases, 701 remained "unidentified".

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13. Unjustified suspicion and mistrust of other people or their actions.

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14. Edward Snowden revealed massive, secret global surveillance programs run by the U.S. National Security Agency (NSA) and its allies (like the UK's GCHQ) in 2013, exposing bulk collection of phone records (metadata), internet traffic, and even webcam images, including spying on allied world leaders and tapping fiber-optic cables, sparking global debates on privacy vs. security. His leaks detailed programs like PRISM, Upstream, and others, showing governments monitoring citizens on an unprecedented scale and sharing data extensively, leading to U.S. espionage charges and Snowden's asylum in Russia.

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15. Edward Snowden’s X account (@Snowden), Dec 15, 2020 3:29 PM https://x.com/Snowden/status/1338974576047480835

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16. Elbert Hubbard, 1915 obituary obituary for actor Marshall Pinckney Wilder. Hubbard wrote that Wilder "picked up the lemons that Fate had sent him and started a lemonade stand".

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17. William Shakespeare's play The Tempest (Act 2, Scene 1)

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18. A separate introductory section of a literary or musical work.

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19. "I was just following orders" (often called the Nuremberg defense) is a legal and moral plea originating primarily from the Nuremberg trials (1945–1946) after World War II, where Nazi war criminals argued they were not responsible for their actions. It was famously used by Adolf Eichmann in his 1961 trial.

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20. "I was just following orders" (the "Nuremberg defense") does not work as a legal defense for atrocities, war crimes, or illegal acts under international and U.S. law. While it can psychologically distance individuals from feeling responsible for their actions, it does not absolve them of liability.

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21. "Orders be damned" is a phrase used to express defiance of authority or rules, likely originating from common military or narrative idioms similar to the 19th-century phrase "Publish and be damned" attributed to the Duke of Wellington. It signifies a decision to proceed regardless of consequences.

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22. The world or the state of things as they actually exist, as opposed to an idealistic or notional idea of them.

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23. Major Depressive Disorder (MDD) with psychosis, or psychotic depression, is a severe mental health condition combining deep depression with hallucinations or delusions (e.g., guilt, paranoia, or illness). It affects 10-19% of people with depression and carries a high risk of suicide. Treatment usually involves a combination of antidepressants and antipsychotics (e.g., olanzapine, risperidone), or electroconvulsive therapy (ECT).

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24. Schizoaffective disorder is a chronic mental health condition combining psychotic symptoms (hallucinations, delusions) with mood disorder symptoms (mania or depression). It is characterized by at least two weeks of psychotic symptoms in the absence of a major mood episode. Treatments include antipsychotics, mood stabilizers, and therapy.

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25. Suicide is the act of intentionally causing one's own death, often driven by overwhelming pain, mental health conditions like depression, or acute crisis. It is a serious, preventable public health issue rather than a mental illness itself. Key warning signs include talking about death, withdrawing, and giving away belongings.

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26. "Spidey sense" is Spider-Man's iconic sixth sense, functioning as a precognitive, mental, and physical warning system that detects immediate danger or threats. Originating in 1963 Marvel comics, it acts as a "danger sense" that warns of incoming attacks, allowing for rapid, almost automatic reactions.

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27. “Circle of Life” is a song from Disney's 1994 animated feature film The Lion King.

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28. Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

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29. An obsession with death, or thanatophobia, involves intense, intrusive thoughts about mortality, fear of dying, or fixation on the afterlife. Often driven by anxiety, depression, or grief, it can cause panic attacks and avoidance behaviors. Treatment usually involves therapy (CBT/ERP) to manage these fears.

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30. "We have heard the chimes at midnight" is a famous, melancholic line from Shakespeare's Henry IV, Part 2 (Act 3, Scene 2), spoken by Falstaff to Shallow. It symbolizes nostalgia for reckless youth, shared adventures, and the inevitable passage of time.

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31. "C'est la vie" (pronounced say la vee) is a common French phrase meaning "that's life" or "such is life," used to express acceptance of unavoidable, often minor, negative situations. It translates literally to "it is the life," signifying "that's how things go" or "it is what it is".

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32. "It remains to be seen" is an idiom used to indicate that something is currently unknown, uncertain, or not yet decided, with the outcome to be revealed in the future. It suggests that the final result of a situation or action is still pending.

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33. Feel sad, repentant, or disappointed over (something that has happened or been done, especially a loss or missed opportunity).

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34. "Water off a duck's back" is an idiom from the early 19th century—appearing in print as early as 1801–1824—describing something that has no lasting effect or impact. It originates from the natural, waterproof oil coating on duck feathers that causes water to bead up and roll off.

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35. A "chill down the spine" is an idiom for a sudden physical sensation of coldness or shivering, triggered by intense fear, nervousness, awe, or profound excitement. It is an involuntary emotional and physiological reaction—often accompanied by goosebumps—frequently triggered by suspenseful, terrifying, or highly moving experiences.

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36. "Waiting for the other shoe to drop" means anticipating an inevitable, typically negative event to occur following an initial unsettling or good event. It describes a state of anxiety, apprehension, and hypervigilance, where one expects a situation to worsen or turn unpleasant.

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37. The King James Version (KJV) Bible mentions "unicorns" nine times (e.g., Numbers 23:22, Job 39:9) to describe a powerful, untamable, single-horned beast, often representing great strength. However, this is a translation of the Hebrew word re'em, which scholars generally agree refers to a wild ox (aurochs) or rhinoceros, not a mythical horse.

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38. Sometimes when you don’t have a clue, life can be complicated. So complicated that there’s nothing that can be done about it. That’s what this life does to you at times. You don’t know if you’re coming or going. That really can be an annoyance to what this life becomes. But without it what can you do? We have to live and do something about it. There’s no other way around this life, we either live or we die. That’s all there is to it.**

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39. Winston Churchill, Their Finest Hour, 1940

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40. They Might Be Giants, Older

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41. 1 Corinthians 13:12

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42. Avoid interfering in a situation that is currently causing no problems but might do so as a result of such interference.

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43. Feeling "I hate my life" often indicates overwhelming emotional pain, deep dissatisfaction, or mental health struggles like depression, anxiety, or trauma. It is a sign of immense stress, hopelessness, or self-loathing, often stemming from feeling trapped, unloved, or unable to cope with current circumstances.

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44. Sir Francis Bacon, Latin: scientia potentia est

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45. The famous Far Side comic by Gary Larson, often titled "The Real Reason Dinosaurs Became Extinct," depicts three dinosaurs smoking cigarettes in a desolate, smoking-filled landscape. It humorously suggests they died from smoking, not an asteroid.

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46. Destiny; fate.

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47. Renora, Star Trek: Deep Space Nine, Dax (Season 1 Episode 8)

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48. I say should because who really knows what happens after we die. I don’t, do you? No, I didn’t think you did either.

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49. Star Trek: Deep Space Nine, spoken by Vedek Yassim to Major Kira Nerys to inspire resistance against the Dominion occupation.

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50. Rory O'Connor, Professor of Health Psychology at Glasgow University

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51. Dr. John Draper

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52. Google AI told me this. It’s what I’ve read elsewhere as well.

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53. Very rarely.

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54. I think it would be rather weird or odd if intrusive thoughts managed to prepare you for when they would come. But that’s not how life works most of the time. They come and they stick around not having anything better to do. They never leave me alone. That’s the problem with all of this. They just never leave. I hate it.

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