Mental Illness

Voices

When the voices speak, you have no option but to listen. They get demanding at times and there’s nothing you can do about it. Personal experiences has shown to me that they demand things. Things I don’t normally wouldn’t do or say. Yet they are there and those thoughts interfere with my normal day-to-day life. Trying to ignore them and they get louder. Trying to tell them to go away, and they get pissed off. I don’t know how to deal with them most of the time. It’s not an easy thing to handle or deal with.

It would be nice to be able to sit down and talk with someone about all of this. But therapists just don’t understand I’m afraid. They get paid to listen, but the advice they give is just not that helpful to me. So I must endure this hell by myself. I try to explain it to other people, and they don’t quite grasp what’s going on either. They’re polite about it, but in the end they don’t know what it is I go through.

I don’t expect them to know or understand what it is I go through. They’d have to experience it for themselves in order to even begin to understand what it’s like. There just isn’t a way to have them understand and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone.

Intrusive Thoughts

Then there are times when I just want to lay down and cry myself to sleep. The voices get so loud that I can’t think. The intrusive thoughts get in the way too. Oh, those damn intrusive thoughts.¹ I think the intrusive thoughts are worse than the voices at times. The voices tell me to do things, but the intrusive thoughts are just there. They pop up without warning and I don’t know what to do about them.

I try not to bother other people with these thoughts that I have. I tend to keep them to myself. There’s no reason for them to be a burden on someone else who doesn’t deserve them. I wish at times they would simply go away. But I don’t know how to make them do that. I wonder if at times it is a form of Hypersexuality.

Excessive arousal and interest in sex. Hypersexuality is a term used for a presumed mental disorder causing people to engage in or think about sex to a point of distress or impairment. It is controversial whether it should be included as a clinical diagnosis used by mental healthcare professionals. Nymphomania and satyriasis were terms previously used for the condition in women and men, respectively. Hypersexuality may be a primary condition, or the symptom of another medical disease or condition; for example, Klüver–Bucy syndrome or bipolar disorder. Hypersexuality may also present as a side effect of medication such as drugs used to treat Parkinson’s disease. Clinicians have yet to reach a consensus over how best to describe hypersexuality as a primary condition, or to determine the appropriateness of describing such behaviors and impulses as a separate pathology.²

I don’t have violent or aggressive thoughts. There are some thoughts about self-harm though. I don’t know how to control the thoughts that I have at times. It feels like a waste of time just trying to control them. Maybe I would be better off dead. I don’t know. Something tells me that if I were dead I would still have such thoughts in my head, and it would be of no use. I know some people would say I have no control over my thoughts and need to reign it in some. Well it’s not that simple. When the thoughts come, they come in full force. There is no stopping them. I can try to slow them down of course, but in the end they always come though no matter what I do.

I can’t just allow these thoughts to come and go as they please. I have to constantly fight them from happening. It feels like an uphill battle that I can’t win. Having to be constantly on guard all the time is exhausting. When you have constant thoughts that you want to die, it’s not an easy process to go through. The thought of slitting my throat or wrists, jumping off a cliff are so strong. I have to fight these thoughts every day of my life.

Fear

I fear that if people knew the truth, they would hide from me. They would cease any kid of contact with me and I would be all alone. I don’t want to be alone. I like and enjoy being among people. I like to have my friends and family around me. I don’t want to lose them. So I keep quiet on what it is I am feeling and experiencing. There’s nothing I can do about it.

Fear is our own worst enemy. It can cause serious doubt within ourselves which can cause worry among other things. Fear can cripple us to the point of not being able to function in our daily lives. It causes anxiety and make me feel things to be real when in fact they aren’t even real. The inability to do anything about this scares me. I’m afraid to try to do anything about it. I’m afraid to seek help and guidance.

It comes down to a point of survival for me. I want to survive and get through this. I want to make it through whatever is causing me to have these stupid thougths that I can’t seem to control. I can’t entertain these thoughts, that can’t be allowed. I must find a way to make them stop. There isn’t anything good about them. I need them to stop. I want this life to come to an end. I want to die. There doesn’t seem to be a way to escape this horror that I feel.

Irrational Thoughts

Irrational Thoughts are characterized by the lack of logic or reason.

Irrational thoughts are ideas or mental images that aren’t based on reason, evidence, or logic. They often distort reality, leading people to overestimate threats or assume the worst without proof, even when there is little or no evidence for it. These thoughts can make you feel anxious, guilty, or fearful, despite knowing logically that the fear is unlikely to happen. Psychologists describe them as cognitive distortions, which are faulty thinking patterns that can negatively affect mood, behavior, and decision-making.³

A therapist once explained it to me like having a thought that my wife was cheating on me, even though I don’t have any proof to support the fact. There are so many irrational thoughts that I have from time to time. It’s annoying. A lot of the time these thoughts come out of nowhere. They tend to be very black or white thinking.⁴

1. Right or Wrong
2. Heaven or Hell
3. Good or Bad
4. Best or Worst
5. All or Nothing

I have often thought this way. It’s either good or bad. There is no in-between when it comes to certain thoughts about life. I know this isn’t the proper way to even begin to think about any of it. There are shades of gray in life. But I can’t think in those terms. I don’t know why that is, I just can’t seem to be able to do it.

I remember talking with a neighbor about life once. I told them my thoughts on the matter, of life being good or bad. They said, well there are some gray areas aren’t there? I don’t think it’s all either good or bad. I thought about it for a moment and conceded that they were correct. But in my heart, I still believe that life is either good or bad. There is no in-between process for it all.

Deep down I know my all-or-nothing thinking is irrational. But I don’t know how to combat it. There must be a way to overcome this thought process. I don’t know how to go about doing that. I fear that if I tell people about this they will shun me, or think I’m crazy and push me away. So I keep quiet.

There is no escape from this hell. I have to accept and endure it. I need to find a way to survive it. Whatever comes my way, I have to be able to figure out why I am experiencing these thoughts and feelings. There has to be a way to overcome this. I don’t know how to do that at the moment, but someday I will figure it all out.

The Voices Want Me Dead

I asked a therapist once why the voices want me dead. Why do they want to cause me harm? The therapist didn’t have an answer for me. That was rather unfortunate. Feels like all of that time they spent in college to get that degree, and they can’t answer one simple question for me. It’s a question I deal with on a day-to-day basis and no one ever has an answer for me! It’s so damn frustrating.

It would have been nice if that therapist had an answer for me. I can’t see how they wouldn’t have an answer for me. Any kind of answer would have been better than no answer at all. I have to deal with the fact that they weren’t able to give me anything. I feel they let me down. But, let’s face facts. They’re only human. They didn’t mean to let me down. I’m sure of it. So I need to cut them some slack.

What they don’t know is when nature calls, you go.⁵

If that’s the actual case, then when the time comes I must go. There’s no way around it. I don’t know what to think about that and I sure as hell don’t know how to feel about it. When my time is up there’s nothing I can do about it. I’ve got to do what’s right for me. I don’t want to be a burden on anyone. So if I can get out of this life without causing harm to anyone else, what’s the harm in just going?

Suicide is a slap to God right in his face. He sent his Son to die for my sins, and here I am trying to kill myself. I’m sure Christ didn’t die for that sin. He didn’t die for me just so I can turn around and off myself. I’m sure that’s not part of the program. But does God take into account my emotional state at the difficult time I am having? I sure would hope He would.

What Do They Know!

I often wonder what it is the voices know that I don’t. Do they know something bad is going to happen to me and are trying to get ahead of it? I doubt the voices are there to help me. I can’t trust them. Anything they say goes against my personal belief system. They are evil. That’s all there is to it. But they know something that I don’t. Oh, it’s so frustrating. I want it to end, is that too much to ask for?

Feels like I can’t be myself at times. I don’t know what my true self really is though. Is it all of these jumbled thoughts all smashed together? If that’s the case, then the intrusive thoughts are wrong. They are not a part of me or my core value system and cannot be trusted.

If the voices do know something, they sure aren’t telling me anything! I mean there’s the typical comment of “kill yourself” or “no one wants you”. Those kinds of thoughts. But they aren’t telling me anything I don’t already know or think about myself.

Internal Screaming

There’s nothing that stops the internal screaming that I hear. It’s a constant fight inside my head that never goes away. It would be nice if it did manage to go away, but I don’t know how that can happen. I think the worst part of the internal screaming are the times when the voices decide to have an argument in my head. I feel like an innocent bystander and have to wait until they’re doing screaming and yelling at each other. It feels like a cancer I’m unable to get rid of. If that makes any sense? I’m not sure that it does.

As a friend once put it, I’ll never be alone because I have all of these voices to keep me company. I mean, he’s not lying. The voices are there all the time. They never leave me alone. I can’t go a day without hearing them in my thoughts. Sometimes even vocally. They are there and there’s nothing I can do about it.

The arguments that the voices have with each other are quite disturbing. They get loud and nasty with each other. I don’t have a way of calming them down or quieting them down. There has to be a way, some medication I can take that will quiet them one would think. I don’t know what that medication is though and am at a loss.

I don’t want to be medicated all the time though. But I’m not sure if there’s a way around it. Is this what it feels like to go crazy? What does it feel like to go crazy I wonder? Perhaps it feels like I’m slowly losing control. If that’s a thing, then I am in some serious trouble. Don’t tell me that what I’m hearing or feeling isn’t real. It is real to me, and that’s all which matters!

Looking For Inner Peace

I don’t mean to get caught up in all of this all the time. But there doesn’t appear to be a way to make it stop. I wish there was a way to simply make it all come to an end. I don’t know how to do that though. Is that too much to ask for? To have some inner peace? I don’t think that is too out of line. Maybe I’m wrong though. Is there really a way of telling if I’m right or wrong these days? I don’t know. How do I distinguish between the two? Can you tell me that? If you can’t, then I suppose there’s no reason for this line of thinking.

I do believe I’m looking for some kind of inner peace as a solution to all of this. I’m not sure how to get there. So many things can go wrong in this life and my brain likes to think about all the possible outcomes. It becomes quite impossible to concentrate at times. If I’m unable to concentrate, then how am I supposed to accomplish anything?

It would be nice to find some kind of peace within myself. I need to find a place where there isn’t fighting in my brain, and I am able to simply calm down. There are so many times in my life where I struggle with this. There doesn’t seem to be a way to overcome any of it. Why can’t I overcome any of these thoughts? I don’t quite understand. I wish there was someone out there that could help me understand everything that’s going on with me. I don’t think I have those answers. It upsets me. To be constantly upset about something is down right depressing.

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1. Intrusive thoughts are unwanted thoughts, images, or urges that can be distressing or disturbing. They can be related to a variety of topics, such as violence, sexuality, or self-harm. They can be difficult to control and can cause significant distress for those who experience them. It’s important to remember that intrusive thoughts are not a reflection of a person’s character or desires, and they do not necessarily indicate that someone will act on them.↩︎

2. Hypersexuality, Wikipedia↩︎

3. Irrational Thoughts, Psychology Today↩︎

4. Splitting, also called binary thinking, dichotomous thinking, black-and-white thinking, all-or-nothing thinking, or thinking in extremes, is the failure in a person’s thinking to bring together the dichotomy of both perceived positive and negative qualities of something into a cohesive, realistic whole. It is a common defense mechanism, wherein the individual tends to think in extremes (e.g., an individual’s actions and motivations are all good or all bad with no middle ground). This kind of dichotomous interpretation is contrasted by an acknowledgement of certain nuances known as “shades of gray”. Splitting can include different contexts, as individuals who use this defense mechanism may “split” representations of their own mind, of their own personality, and of others. Splitting is observed in personality disorders belonging to cluster B, such as borderline personality disorder and narcissistic personality disorder, as well as schizophrenia and depression. In dissociative identity disorder, the term splitting is used to refer to a split in personality alter-egos. (Source: Splitting, Wikipedia)↩︎

5. “War On Drugs”, Barenaked Ladies, Maroon (2000)↩︎