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We Must Try

Wed May 6 10:35:51 PM MDT 2026 Oh another day has come and gone, and who are we to thank for this good fortune? That’s right. Ourselves. For we are the ones who are able to put the past behind us. We are able to understand and grasp whatever there is to grab hold of. But we must hold on tight. For there will never be another time where we are able to understand fully what is going on in our lifves. I wish I had an understanding of how the world works. How history is made. How things get invented, but I don’t have that luxury. There are times in life where we simply don’t understand anything there is to understand. We must have the ability to grab hold of some kind of meaning. Anything to make us better than who we currently are. I wish I understood what all of that meant, but I don’t. I think if I had the ability, I would find a way to overcome whatever problems I have and seek out the best way of getting there. I’m not sure that’s possible. But I sure as hell would like to try! May...
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We Must Try

Wed May 6 10:35:51 PM MDT 2026

Oh another day has come and gone, and who are we to thank for this good fortune? That’s right. Ourselves. For we are the ones who are able to put the past behind us. We are able to understand and grasp whatever there is to grab hold of. But we must hold on tight. For there will never be another time where we are able to understand fully what is going on in our lifves.

I wish I had an understanding of how the world works. How history is made. How things get invented, but I don’t have that luxury. There are times in life where we simply don’t understand anything there is to understand. We must have the ability to grab hold of some kind of meaning. Anything to make us better than who we currently are. I wish I understood what all of that meant, but I don’t. I think if I had the ability, I would find a way to overcome whatever problems I have and seek out the best way of getting there. I’m not sure that’s possible. But I sure as hell would like to try!

Maybe trying isn’t in the cards for me though. Who am I kidding?! Everyone has got to try something in their life one time or another. Don’t they? Yeah, that’s what I was thinking.

If I had knowledge of how to do any of these things, do you think I would be sitting here wasting my life away doing what I do? I mean I write short stories, that isn’t the best use of my time. I know this. Hell, everyone knows this. But I just can’t see beyond that which I am able to at the moment.

The simple truth of the facts are this. The stories must be told. There isn’t any other way they can become manifest. I have to be the one to tell them. No one else can tell my story. That’s all there is to it. I have to be able to tell my story the way it happened and I must be able to figure out exactly how the story ends.

I wish I had a way to overcome all of this anxiety I feel day in and day out. There doesn’t seem to be much of anything I can do about it. But you know the saying, “If wishes were horses.” Yeah that one. That’s just how this life seems to be at times. I don’t know if I am able to understand all of it right now. I doubt I’ll understand anything in the near future, but if I do? Then I should be able to figure out a simple matter such as wishing upon things that don’t matter.

So let life be what it will be. There doesn’t seem to be any othe reason for it. I mean, if we are able to understand and grasp a simple thing as what this life is all about? Myabe we’ll be okay in the end. Myabe we won’t. But I do know, that we will have tired. Isn’t that all which matters most? That we try?

Yeah, that’s what I was thinking.

Perhaps we are but creatures of habit and we cannot fathom to see into the future. What if that is our main downfall as a species? So many things I wish for these days. None of them will ever come true though. It’s a shame really. I wish I had the ability to understand and grasp that which I want to do. Maybe someday in the future I will be able to actually do that. But for now, I will be who I am and I’m not sure I like that thought at the moment.

Life has a funny way of letting you know you’re alive. I’m not sure exactly what that way is? It could be through pain or hardship. I have felt both of those in my life on multiple occasions. Everyone feels hardship at one point in their life or another. It would be nice to be able to simply table it all for now.

But that’s the thing with my brain, it won’t let me do that! I need to be able to find a way to simply understand what’s going on in life and get through it no matter how difficult the process can be. It’s not that simple though now is it? No, I didn’t think it would be. Maybe if I had the ability to change my own destiny I could figure out which path I would like to go on.

Yet, here I am writing stories. I don’t have a future in that. There’s got to be something else out there that I can focus on. Something that I am able to grasp or understand given the circumstances. If time is permitting. Maybe I don’t understand or want to understand all that is going on in my life right now. Have I ever thought about that? No, not really.

It would be nice if I could handle my anxiety and depression better than I am currently handling it. The last thing I want to do is be thrown in a psych hospital again. I mean yeah they seemed to help me out at the time, but now? I’m not so sure I want to do that.

Is all of this wishful thinking a pipe dream? That is a possibility isn’t it? Sure it is. Everything is a possibility if you put your mind to it and think about something very hard. Maybe I don’t want to understand everything in the universe all at once. Have I ever given that a moments thought or notice? No, I don’t believe I have.

Perhaps I should start thinking about such things. Maybe I wouldn’t be so messed up in the future. Let’s face it, with my mental illness I am barely surviving and functioning as it is. What if I’m tripping out over nothing? What happens then?! Yeah, I’ll let you figure that one out. I highly doubt I’ll be able to figure out anything in this lifetime.

I feel like screaming my head off most days. I’m not sure if that’s a good sign or a bad one. Whatever the case? I am here waiting for something to happen that will make this live worth wanting to live.

I believe the term you are looking for is Suicidal Ideation. It would be nice to be able to understand or grasp whatever is going on in my mind at any given time during the day. But I’m not sure I can do that. There are so many thoughts that I have to deal with and worry about. I wish I could simply snap my fingers and make all of these worries disappear. I’m pretty sure that’s not how it works.

Well, I doubt I’ll ever understand anything that goes on in my life. I mean there’s nothing out there worth living for, is there? I’m not so sure there is. Maybe someday I will understand everything there is to understand, but until that day comes? I’ll just be me sitting here in the dark reading my book waiting for something to occur.

It’s getting quite late, past my bedtime. I have to be up at four in the morning tomorrow in order to get ready to go to the doctor. So I best be shoving off to bed. Who knows if I’ll be able to sleep. My brain is kinda wired tonight. I don’t like that thought. But it’s something I have to deal with. So I’ll deal.

Goodnight.

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