Control

 Sometimes we need to have control over something in our lives. Any kind of control really helps actually. There's nothing wrong with that. You have to feel like you have control over something in your life in order to live accordingly. It would be nice to be able to control every aspect of my life, but I know that's not possible. So, I control what I can and just let whatever else happen. Sometimes that control comes down to just the beard on my face. I keep it because I have control over it. I don't feel like I have control over anything else at the moment, so the beard stays.

I'm not sure if that actually makes any sense to you. It does to me. Maybe that's all which matters. That it makes sense to me. I don't know how else to put it, I just know that if I don't have control over something I'll go crazy. Everyone has to have some kind of control over something in their life. I am no different.

This life will come and go and make you go insane eventually if you allow it. It doesn't mean it's a bad thing, just that it will happen. So, you have to keep a constant watch over whatever it is that you have control over. If you lose that control, you have lost a part of yourself. That's really all there is to it, I think at least.

It would be nice to be able to see what is out there in the future. If I could do that, I think it would be an interesting point of adventure. See all you can do, see what's out there and simply believe it will be able to become something important in your life.

You say it will be okay, but you don't know that for certain. No one can know that for certain. That's just not done. Life doesn't work that way. It's something that will be with me for a long time I know, and that's annoying. But what can I do about it? I'm not sure. If I knew? Then I would tell you. But I don't so I won't.

Maybe that's all I need. Constant reassurance that things will be okay. That the world is not ending. That I will be able to get through this life without that much of a problem. Yeah, I think that would be a nice thing to have. I don't know who would be willing to do that for me though. I don't want to bug or bother anyone with this request.

I wonder what kind of experience this would be if I could get someone to go along with it. To simply tell me everything will be okay. I think that reassurance in life would be amazing. But I doubt anyone would be able to put up with that on a day-to-day basis. So, I best drop it. There's no reason in getting my hopes up for something that isn't a reality.

Reality. Such a strange word. What is real anymore? What is this reality of which I speak? It doesn't make any sense to me, but that's okay, I guess. Something has got to be okay right? I don't know how that's possible if I can't seem to find a way to get through it all. Maybe it doesn't matter in the end of things. If it doesn't matter, then this life doesn't matter.

Who ever said life matters to begin with? I'm not sure how that all works out. There's some reason for existing. I mean there would have to be right? If not, then just being alive is no reason to exist at all. We are here for some kind of reason. There has to be something I don't know about that would make sense to me. If it doesn't make sense, then what is there that will make sense?

Somedays I don't feel like I have control over anything in this life. Even my beard doesn't feel like it's real anymore. That's just how all of this feels at times. I'm not sure why that is the way it is, but I know that's how it all feels at times. So, I will just have to deal with whatever hand I am dealt. That's just how life feels at times, I guess. Who knows what will happen in the end. I don't have a magic crystal ball that will tell me everything that happens.

Am I crazy?

Is that what all of this is about? Am I certifiable? There doesn't seem to be much of a contest against any of it, and here I am wondering why this life is what it is when all I've done is sit here waiting for something to come along and be better than it is. But I'm not sure I understand the question that is brought before me. It's a question that I thought up myself of course, but I don't understand it. How can I understand the question if I don't grasp its core functionality?

There seems to be a lot of things I don't understand in this life. I wish I had some kind of understanding with them. If I can't do that, what's the point of even living in this life? I don't get the point of it all. I need something to feel real. Real would-be good right about now. I don't know where that feeling of reality would come from, but I need it. Is that too much to ask? I'm not sure if it is or not.

I've been in my fair share of issues with life. I've had dealings with things that don't make sense more times than I can count. It all stems from my mind though, that appears to be the problem at its best. If my mind is able to come up with such scenarios, then how am I to progress in life? Is it possible to get past all of this internal thinking? I do not know.

Perhaps life would be better if I weren't around. If I were dead, then people could go about their business without having to worry about me. Ever thought of that? Yeah, I have. I don't have the guts to take my own life though, so I suppose that's a good thing for now.

I remember a time when I worked in an office building. There were a set of stairs in a stairwell. I had thoughts of throwing myself down the stairs hoping I would die. I never had the courage to try it though. I don't know what it was I was afraid of. But it was something for sure. In a way I'm glad I didn't do that, yet in the same breath I'm sad I didn't try.

Other thoughts that come to mind are falling from a moving car. Just opening the door as we're cruising along the highway hoping to fall under a wheel.

What is this obsession with death that I have? It doesn't make any sense to me, yet here I am talking about it. I wish I had a way to figure things out, maybe I do have a way, and I just don't have a clue how any of it is meant to be. I don't know. Not knowing has got to be the worst feeling in the world. I wish I could tell what's going on in this life. It would be best if I could do that. But I can't.

So here's to wishing for things that we cannot control. At least not yet.