Sometimes I wonder what to put as a title. Sometimes it's an easy thing to come up with, other times it's not. I think I should start titling posts after I write them. Yeah, that would make so much more sense to me and to the reader probably. Something to think about and consider for sure. But I don't think that's the main reason for this post. No, I think there's something else afoot that needs to be addressed. I just don't know what it will be, so allow me to ramble a little bit and we'll see where I get.
When I was a kid I had a best friend, we did just about everything together. Eventually I moved away and never saw or heard from this friend ever again. I often wonder what happened to her. Did she go to college, get a degree, get married, have kids? Yeah, I tend to wonder what happened to her a lot. Through technology in this day and age, I bet I could find her. But I'm not really motivated to do that. I'll let her life remain a mystery.
Smartphones are a funny thing. They sure do get around. It's amazing what they can do these days. They have more processing power than my first computer. Just a small device in your hand that can do whatever you can dream up. Of course, phones weren't always as smart as they are now. They used to be smaller. It was a race to see who could invent the smallest phone. Now it's a race to see who can invent a larger phone with more of a screen size to it. It can be confusing at times, but we deal with it and hope for something bigger and better the next year. You want AI? We've got that too!
I'm a fan of a good joke here and there. Sometimes on Reddit I look out for jokes that I enjoy. It helps pass the time and whatever comes and goes my way that day. It's just a part of life that I seem to enjoy. A good clean healthy joke can take you a long way.
It's almost noon and I usually have a soda by now. I need to cut down I know but this is ridiculous. Maybe it's just time to be drinking water and seeing where that will take me. Water is good for you. Nice cold and refreshing if you get it right. Lots of ice please.
A cookie is not a good breakfast choice, but it can be delicious. A plate of cookies is even worse, but they too can be delicious. It's something to think about for a second or two. Just something that can be yummy to your tummy but not so good for you. Whoever said "let them eat cake" might have been onto something!
I feel like I am a burden. Like I'm out of place here. I don't belong here; I belong back home. Yet I came here to do something. To take care of something. Now that I can see there's nothing to take care of, nothing to do because it will most likely take place next week. I feel lost. I want to be home with my wife. But I have a few more days here. I don't fly out until Saturday. I knew I should have just gotten a one-way ticket and then gotten a one-way ticket back. Just because I didn't know how long I would need to be here. So, I feel like I'm being a burden on my brother and his family. I don't want to be a burden. It's that simple. I want to be of use, yet I don't know how to be of use. Does that make any sense? I'm not sure if it does.
I don't want to be a burden on anyone. I know when I'm not welcome. I know when I'm not useful. I just know when life gets too much for me to handle. I'm not sure what to do about any of it though. I wish I had a clue, some kind of clue as to where to go and what to do about any of this.
This is where I feel I would be better off dead. I'm no stranger to this thought. If I were dead, things would be much easier for everyone around me. They wouldn't have to worry about me anymore. All that worry? It would be gone. I know people worry about my mental state. It feels like they're talking about me behind my back all the time. What am I supposed to do about that? You would think it would be an easy thing to overcome and whatnot, but I just don't know. Is it paranoia? Or is it something else. I don't know. I wish I had a clue what it was I'm feeling at this moment, but I don't and it's disturbing me.
The mind, it races at times. It's racing faster than I am able to think. I wish I had a moment to just cool down and consider everything that is going on. Yes, that would be a good idea. But I'm not sure I know where to calm down at. How do I eventually stop all of this nonsense from happening to me? I just don't know and that's what makes me mad at myself. I should know what's going on. I should understand because it's my brain that is all wonky. Ya know? I'm not sure I can understand what's going on most of the time. It would be nice to be able to just simply understand. I don't want to be confused anymore. I don't want to be taken for granted. I just want to understand.
I guess you could call this my vent session, or bitch session as it were. Sorry if this isn't the content you came for. But well, it's the content you get. It's a little bit of wondering why this life comes at me so hard at times. Not in a pity me kind of way. No, it's something else. I don't know where to put my finger on it. It has a pulse for sure, but I just don't know how to deal with it. Maybe there isn't anything to deal with and I'm making it all up in my head. Is that a possibility? I don't know. I don't know how any of this life is meant to work out. Yet here I am trying to actually physically think things through and make it have some kind of sense.
If everything I think about is nonsense, and I am here still thinking about it. What does that mean for me? Am I nonsense? Am I just a screw up that doesn't matter anymore? what if this life didn't matter. What if I am obsessed with something that just simply doesn't exist or matter anymore?
They're talking about me. Again. I can feel it. I don't know what they're saying but they're talking about me. Why must they always whisper in my ears? Can't they see I'm right here? They can talk out loud to me if they want to. I don't understand why they must whisper. I don't understand what's going on anymore. They need to figure out what's going on. I can't tell them to shut up myself, because I don't know who they are that are speaking. I just know that they are speaking, and I can't make them shut up. I don't know if they're voices or if they're real. I don't know if they're family members or if they're something else. If they're family members, they need to come out and confront me.
Someone is out to get me. It's that simple. I want to rip my hair out. There's nothing I can do about it. I need to do something though. I can't just sit here and wait for them to show up. I need to do something. Anything to help calm this feeling down of doom. It's all going to end someday. Soon. Everything is going to end, and we won't have a leg to stand on. Why don't people understand that? Why don't they get that? I just wish I could make them understand and have everything be okay again. But I can't. Not until I stop whoever it is that's out to get me. They must be stopped first. Then I should be able to continue on with this life. I don't know though. I just don't know. Nothing makes sense to me anymore. Nothing at all.
Gosh I'm tired now. A nap would be good, but I don't think I would be able to sleep. Not with someone out there. There's something wrong here. Something wrong and I don't know what to do about it. I need to be able to not confuse that which is confusing with that which is not confusing. No, scratch that. It didn't make sense. Gah, why isn't anything making sense to me today. What's the purpose of this life? Why am I here? I don't understand it. I don't get it. What's my therapist going to say when I just start spouting off weird things that don't make sense? Maybe I'll be fine by then. Maybe I'll be okay? I don't know. She'll think I'm nuts.
So, let's determine facts right now.
1. I feel like someone is out to get me.
2. I don't know that for certain someone is out to get me.
3. I might be paranoid.
Yeah, that about sums it up. I'm just having an episode. There's nothing I am able to do about it. I am just worthless. A worthless human being who doesn't have a prayer to his name. God, why must I be going through this thing now? I don't understand it. I don't get it. Tell me, someone please tell me why I'm feeling this way. That's all I want is for someone to tell me why I'm feeling this way. Is there a reason for it? Is there something I am able to do to make it all stop? I just don't know. There's got to be something I can do to calm the waves and make them slow down. I don't want my therapist to see me like this. She can't see me like this. There's too much thought going on in my head.
There's too much going on right now. My mom's sick, my wife's sick, I'm having paranoia and things going on in my head. I don't know how to handle all of it. There's just too much to think about, too much to worry about. Life isn't meant to be this way. Life really isn't meant to be this complicated. Is it just having too much time on my hands being able to think about that which is impossible? Or is it actually possible that these things are real? I do not know what the outcome will be.
So, if this life isn't real anymore, then what is it? Is it possible I've been living in a simulation all along? I don't know or understand how that would work exactly, but I feel we might be getting somewhere if that's the case. I don't know though. It would be nice to be able to figure out what it is I'm being confronted about. What it is I'm being confused about. But my mind doesn't even know. I'm the one who is in this simulation and my mind doesn't know what's going on? How can that be! I wish I could make sense of it all, but I can't. None of it is real. Nothing in my life is real. How does that happen? I don't understand it. I don't seem to get it or understand how that can be.
Whispers in the dark, always whispers in the dark. Waiting for me. Seeing how they can possibly screw things up for me. There has to be something I can do about it. Something I am able to comprehend and make sense from it. But I don't think that will be possible. This life is a bit torn for me. I don't know where this will end up. I wish I had a method of making things make sense. But I currently don't have a way for that to happen. It's exhausting.
They're telling me I'm going to die. I don't know how that will happen though. How am I meant to die if I'm not ready to go? Doesn't make sense to me if you ask me. And you haven't asked me; I'm just posting my opinion about it all for heaven's sake. They followed me here. I couldn't leave them where I was, so they ended up following me here. Is that what happened? I hope it's not. They're coming to get me. That's all I can think about. They are coming to get me. Who are they though? Is it the government? Someone else? I don't know. I just don't understand what's going on anymore. Something doesn't feel right... something doesn't seem right. What is that something? I don't know or have a clue. There's got to be a way out of this cycle I'm in. There just has to be something I can do to make it slow down. Calm down to the point where I am able to figure things out. But what's there to figure out? I don't know.
I need to find a way to be able to figure out what these whispers are going on about. They feel distant to the point where I can't deal with them anymore. They're there. They aren't nice at all. They want me to do something I don't want to do. I keep trying to force them out of my mind, but they won't go. There's got to be a way to make them go away.
Okay I think they quieted down for now. I can still feel them there, but they aren't being as obnoxious. That's okay for me. The last thing I want is for them to be annoying or whatever it is they are. I know they're something but I'm not quite sure what they are exactly.
A hobby would be a good thing to have. I wonder what I could do as a hobby. Painting is a no go; I had a trigger with that when I was in a mental hospital once. All we were painting were trees and that's what triggered it for me for some reason. Puzzles are also a no go, I didn't enjoy doing those either. They didn't trigger me, just got frustrating.
I wonder why I heard whispers this time around and why I felt like someone was out to get me. Is it just the change of location? Too much stress going on? How am I going to explain that to my therapist? There's got to be a simple way to do that. I need to figure that one out before that appointment time comes up in an hour and a half. Yeah, something better come out of that that's good. I don't know though. I hope I'm not just annoying her with my drama. I mean it is what she gets paid for, so maybe I'm not annoying her? Who knows.
Gah, I'm stuck in that darn loop again. I keep thinking about it and I can't seem to be able to get away from these thoughts. I don't know what to do about it. There must be something I can do. Something I can say to myself to calm myself down. Just anything that can be done in order to make things better. I don't know how to make this work out for the better, if that's even possible. I feel so lost right now.
We're back to the simulation aren't we. I feel like I'm in a room and I have no way to escape it. I know the room isn't real, the world I live in isn't real. There's nothing I am able to do about it. I can sleep but I only wake up in the same room living the same day over again. There's nothing new that goes on in this life. Nothing new that I am able to see or even pretend to imagine. You would think I would be able to figure all of this out by now. I've been in it long enough. I mean come on.
A day in the life of me, that's what this blog should be called. Crazy times with me. I wish there were some other way to describe me than crazy. But that's what it feels like most days. I'm crazy and there's nothing I can do about it. So, I'll just keep to myself and wonder what will happen when it all comes crashing down to nothing. It will come crashing down eventually. You know that right? I mean it has to.
But for now, let's just enjoy life.
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