It's Not Easy

 Life doesn't feel easy at times. I don't know how else to explain it. It's just life, I mean what else is there to it? Well, there appears to be a lot to it that I don't understand. I wish I understood it all, but I doubt that will be a possibility. Let's face it, life can be difficult.

So many things to wish for and believe in, yet I'm not quite the believing type. I know that's on me, and I need to be better at that. I need to believe in some kind of supreme being of sorts. That they have my best interests at heart and all of that. But it's difficult to do when you can't see them. Can't talk to them. Can't hear them etc. I need something physical I can actually touch, and I don't have that.

I've prayed about it a lot and I don't think prayer is working out for me. Maybe meditation would work out better, I don't know. Maybe religion just isn't for me. But if there is a chance that there is a God, He wouldn't be down for that now would he. No, I didn't think so. That's what makes it difficult.

Either there is a God who is directing everything in the universe or there isn't one. If there isn't one and we're all just piddling around down here. Then great. Nothing changes. But on the off chance there is one? There will be hell to pay when the end time comes.

That's what I'm afraid of the most. Not knowing. They say to have faith and all of that. How can I have faith when my logical brain is telling me no. Do you see the problem I am facing? It always comes back to the same question. Is there a God or not. I thought I knew. Now I'm not so sure. I don't want to offend Him if He does exist naturally. I hope He would understand my confusion at this time in my life. If He doesn't understand? Well, that's a pickle now isn't it.

So many things to wish for, so many things to hope for. Either they are true, or they are not. There is no middle ground. I feel lost at times. So lost and there's nothing I am able to do about it. It would be nice to be able to figure it all out once and for all and to stick to that plan. I don't know how to do that. What if the way I choose is the wrong way? Will I be happy with my choices? If I just live a good life, is that enough? I don't have a clue.

Not having a clue can sometimes be a blessing in disguise. You simply can't have all the answers all of the time. So, if that happens then you'll have something to think about. Yeah, it goes something like that. I'm not sure if that's even the right wording for any of it, but that's just how it is.

I wonder if there's something out there that will tell me the answers I want to know. If that being is God? Then I sure hope He'll do it one of these days.

That's just life.