God Speaks

 I was sitting there the other day, and I swear I heard the words of God in my mind. Like the almighty was talking directly to me. Now I know God speaks to people through scripture and whatnot but not in their minds. So that's got to be something my mind made up right? I mean what else could it be. There doesn't seem to be much of anything else that's going on in my head for it to be anything else.

I hate it when my mind makes things up like this. I so honestly would like for some stronger power to actually speak to me and when I think it happens, it's just my mind playing tricks on me. Yeah, it's a letdown for sure. I don't have any other way of putting it. It's just a letdown.

So, I'll continue living my life pretending that didn't happen. That's all I really can do. There's not much else to do about it but wonder and wait to see what actually happens at the end of one's life. I wish it was simpler than that, but it's not. What more do you want from any of this life? Is there such a thing that makes sense? I highly doubt it.

Nothing in this life makes sense anymore. Nothing really matters and here I am just turning my wheels hoping that something better will come along. If I sound mad? I am. There's no easy way to put that. I am just mad at life right now. Nothing more nothing less. That's how this life feels to me, and I feel like being angry with it. Is that okay for you? If it's not? Well, you know where the door is.

People get sick I understand that. But when it's someone you love, you don't expect them to actually get sick. They're your world. They're important to you and there's nothing you can do about it but hold on and wait for something to come along that will fix it all. Sometimes that fix is death. I don't want to think about that right this moment. Death is so permeant.

My dad passed away seven months ago. I can't have my mom passing away this soon too. It would feel wrong on so many levels. I know she wants to be with my dad so much. I get that. I want to be with him too, but I need her to stick around a bit longer. Is that selfish of me? You better believe it is. Do I care? No, not really.

I've been asking God why He has to be taking people I care about out of my life. So far, I haven't gotten an answer. To be honest, it's starting to tick me off. But I know I can't be upset about it all. That's just how this life goes, and no amount of praying is going to change any of it.

So, I will allow life to be what it is and stick it out as best I can. If something is meant to be it will be. If it's meant to be something else, it will be something else. That's really all there is to it. Do I have to like it? Nope. But I have to live with it.