Life gets so confusing at times. I don't know what to do about it. I feel like I should be in one place and I'm not. I feel the need to be there, but yet again I'm not. Am I being selfish because I'm not there? Because I'm looking out for my own mental health? One might think that would be the case, but I don't know. It would be nice to be able to figure it out for once. Yet here I am twiddling my stupid thumbs hoping for some clue.
A simple fix for all of this would be nice as well. But I can't do that without the help of my doctor. Either of them. Which I cancelled appointments because I needed to be here for a reason. Looking back on it now, I could have stayed home. But I needed to come. Gah. I'm going in a loop, and I don't know what to do about it.
The music plays on, and I am here wondering about life in its general disposition. Is that even an accurate phrase? Who knows. I'll have to Google it later. Or Bing it. Hell does people even Yahoo anymore. For a while there were search engine wars back in the day aside from the browser wars. It all just came out to be whatever it was, and people went along with what they wanted to use.
Am I a bad son for choosing therapy over seeing my mother in the hospital? Granted it's only one day, but still, I feel guilty. What if something happens? I mean nothing will probably happen, she's stable and all of that but still that "what if" lingers.
Living life in the fast lane can be difficult at times. I'm not sure how to navigate any of it. Yet I keep on kicking somehow. Keeping my feet moving forward, my back to the wind as it pushes me. Something like that. I don't know how best to put it. It's just life.
Then there's the illness. Or whatever you wish to call it. Mental illness? Yeah, that's appropriate. It's something I live with every day and deal with. I wonder at times if I even have what they say I have. It would be nice to be able to say I don't and move on with life. But then the voices come and tell me otherwise. Oh, they tell me to kill myself and to just let go. It will be better if I gave up. Those kinds of things. I do my best to ignore them, but it's not easy to ignore when they're blasting in your ear for what seems like the thousandth time that day.
A lot has been going on lately. Like a lot a lot. Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to simply open the door on a fast road and jump out. Hoping the car will hit me on my way down and I'll simply be free from this life. Don't tell anyone I said that. They'll lock me away for sure.
Not that being locked away is a bad thing. I've been locked away in a mental hospital before on a few occasions and they go okay. Well locked away isn't the right term for it. They put me in a nice room without anything to do except for their prescribed activities. You have groups to go to. Music to listen to during coloring time, things like that. They get you adjusted to medications you haven't been on before. It turns out to be a good experience for all, really it does. In some places if you get out of hand, they put you away for a day or two and then bring you back into normal population. I always wondered what goes on behind those doors. Probably something like solitary just to cool your heels for a day or so.
So, I just live life to the best I can. There's not much else I can do about it. It's just life, I guess.
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