Skip to main content

This Confusing Life

 Life gets so confusing at times. I don't know what to do about it. I feel like I should be in one place and I'm not. I feel the need to be there, but yet again I'm not. Am I being selfish because I'm not there? Because I'm looking out for my own mental health? One might think that would be the case, but I don't know. It would be nice to be able to figure it out for once. Yet here I am twiddling my stupid thumbs hoping for some clue.

A simple fix for all of this would be nice as well. But I can't do that without the help of my doctor. Either of them. Which I cancelled appointments because I needed to be here for a reason. Looking back on it now, I could have stayed home. But I needed to come. Gah. I'm going in a loop, and I don't know what to do about it.

The music plays on, and I am here wondering about life in its general disposition. Is that even an accurate phrase? Who knows. I'll have to Google it later. Or Bing it. Hell does people even Yahoo anymore. For a while there were search engine wars back in the day aside from the browser wars. It all just came out to be whatever it was, and people went along with what they wanted to use.

Am I a bad son for choosing therapy over seeing my mother in the hospital? Granted it's only one day, but still, I feel guilty. What if something happens? I mean nothing will probably happen, she's stable and all of that but still that "what if" lingers.

Living life in the fast lane can be difficult at times. I'm not sure how to navigate any of it. Yet I keep on kicking somehow. Keeping my feet moving forward, my back to the wind as it pushes me. Something like that. I don't know how best to put it. It's just life.

Then there's the illness. Or whatever you wish to call it. Mental illness? Yeah, that's appropriate. It's something I live with every day and deal with. I wonder at times if I even have what they say I have. It would be nice to be able to say I don't and move on with life. But then the voices come and tell me otherwise. Oh, they tell me to kill myself and to just let go. It will be better if I gave up. Those kinds of things. I do my best to ignore them, but it's not easy to ignore when they're blasting in your ear for what seems like the thousandth time that day.

A lot has been going on lately. Like a lot a lot. Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to simply open the door on a fast road and jump out. Hoping the car will hit me on my way down and I'll simply be free from this life. Don't tell anyone I said that. They'll lock me away for sure.

Not that being locked away is a bad thing. I've been locked away in a mental hospital before on a few occasions and they go okay. Well locked away isn't the right term for it. They put me in a nice room without anything to do except for their prescribed activities. You have groups to go to. Music to listen to during coloring time, things like that. They get you adjusted to medications you haven't been on before. It turns out to be a good experience for all, really it does. In some places if you get out of hand, they put you away for a day or two and then bring you back into normal population. I always wondered what goes on behind those doors. Probably something like solitary just to cool your heels for a day or so.

So, I just live life to the best I can. There's not much else I can do about it. It's just life, I guess.

Labels:

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Suicidal Ideation

 Over the years I've had to deal with suicidal ideation. Those are thoughts of being dead, some more extreme than others. It causes issues for me a lot of the time. It's not an easy thing to talk about at all. Here's what it is: Suicidal ideation ( suicidal thoughts )  are thoughts or ideas centered around death or suicide . Experiencing suicidal ideation doesn’t mean you’re going to kill yourself, but it can be a warning sign.
Post a Comment
Read more

An Opposition In All Things

Long has been the story told about how there must be an opposition in all things. From the pre-existence there was Satan, Lucifer the Son of the Morning. In the beginning we were with God in his presence. We learned all we could while there. Until the moment we couldn’t progress any more, we were unable to become like God. So, we were given the opportunity to come to Earth to gain a body. A Savior would be provided to atone for our sins enabling us to come back to the presence of God. The idea that an opposition must be in all things comes from 2nd Nephi: For it must needs be, that there is an opposition in all things. If not so, my firstborn in the wilderness, righteousness could not be brought to pass, neither wickedness, neither holiness nor misery, neither good nor bad. Wherefore, all things must needs be a compound in one; wherefore, if it should be one body it must needs remain as dead, having no life neither death, nor corruption nor incorruption, happiness nor misery, neither...
Post a Comment
Read more

Temptation Bible vs Book of Mormon

In the Bible in 1 Corinthians 10:13 we find: There hath no temptation taken you but such as is common to man: but God is faithful, who will not suffer you to be tempted above that ye are able ; but will with the temptation also make a way to escape, that ye may be able to bear it. But what might seem as a contradiction is found in Alma 13:28 But that ye would humble yourselves before the Lord, and call on his holy name, and watch and pray continually, that ye may not be tempted above that which ye can bear , and thus be led by the Holy Spirit, becoming humble, meek, submissive, patient, full of love and all long-suffering; So, which is it? Either God tempts you to a point and stops, or you have to actively pray not to be tempted beyond that no return point. Which is it?
Post a Comment
Read more