Under Pressure

by Kyle Eggleston

Ever feel like you’re under pressure to believe or think a certain way? You’re just stuck in an ever going circle hoping to please those all around you, you never know for certain if you’ll actually please any of them but that’s what you want to do. You want to make other people happy and make sure they’re content in all and everything they do. So why can’t I focus on my wants and needs to make me happy in this life? Makes sense right? I mean I want to be happy, why can’t I find a way to focus on me for once? I’m too afraid of what other people will think and say...it’s almost better off if I were no longer living. If I were dead. Something like that. I would rather be dead than experiencing no joy in my life ever again. Why do I feel this way? Why don’t I understand how best to make my life better?

You’re not worth it.

I know that, don’t you think I know this? Of course I’m not worth the love I give others. I’m not worth allowing that same love to be in myself. But why is that? I don’t understand why I don’t feel like I’m worth anything. Does that make any kind of sense? I mean seriously. You’re not helping here Fluffles. I know what you’re saying is true. I’m not worth any kind of love. I’m not worth any kind of attention from another person. So why do I crave it if I’m not worth it?

No one cares about you.

Okay, again...something I already know! You don’t need to tell me what I already know is going on Fluffles. You are just a voice in my head. You are here, and sometimes I feel like you’re the only one I can talk to sure. But that doesn’t mean you have the right to put me down like this. I didn’t ask for you to be here, I didn’t ask for you to be created as a worm in my head giving me advice or telling me what’s up what’s wrong etc. You are just there.

I’m never going to be just “ok” as it were. There’s no such thing in my vocabulary. I’m always going to have these issues. All of these issues. If it’s a sickness let’s call it that. If it’s a condition let’s call it that. Whatever it is, let’s call it by its name. I don’t know what it is, I just know that I’m here trying to live the best life I can and I just have issues that arise and I don’t always know how to overcome them.

Everything dies...there’s no other reason to it. Everything dies and nothing comes from it. We all go through some kind of metamorphosis and attempt to do better, but we don’t. There’s nothing that goes on which can make us a better individual unless we try. It doesn’t happen automatically.