Today is Wednesday, it feels just like any other day. I don’t know how else to explain it. Feelings are ramped up today, I don’t know how else to explain any of it. I’m kind of emotional and I don’t know what to do about it. I hate feeling this way, it sucks. But feelings will be feelings and there’s nothing I can do about it I’m afraid. A sad shame and turn of events I fear. But what can one do about these thoughts that enter my mind? Not a whole lot I’m afraid. Sometimes I feel it’s paranoia doing its bloody work on me. I hate paranoia, I hate being paranoid. It’s a thing that simply happens and I don’t have a way to overcome it. If I could overcome it, do you think I would be dealing with all of this? I doubt it. I think life would be better off for my brain at least, my mind wouldn’t be alerting me to things that aren’t real. The demons wouldn’t come out to play at least, and I might be able to figure something out in this life. That’s how I see it though, not sure how it’s meant...
So, not everyone can say they’ve stayed a week, let alone two, in the Behavioral Health unit of a hospital. That’s the place you go when you’re having suicidal thoughts and possible actions.
I never thought I would have done that myself, but well there I was sitting in the ER having blood drawn and questions asked of me. How did I get to this place in my life, am I using drugs etc.
The room I was in initially was void of any electrical equipment. Literally anything I could have used to harm myself had been removed from the room. A security guard was waiting outside the door in case I decided to bolt and make a run for it, or something. Basically he was there to keep me safe.
They made me put on a yellow hospital gown, which didn’t have any strings. You’ll get used to the no strings at all thing in a moment. You couldn’t have any strings at all. Shoelaces were removed, any strings in PJs or Sweat Pants were cut out, belts were taken away. Any possible chance of hanging yourself was out of the question.
After talking with a social worker and letting them know I was admitting myself, I waited for what seemed like an eternity. I simply waited for a room to be made ready upstairs on the third floor.
Once a room was made ready, I was taken to that third floor via an elevator only staff had access to. It was a short elevator ride, that wasn’t so bad.
Once I got up to the third floor, more questions were asked. Some were duplicates from the ones downstairs. Nope, still don’t smoke, thanks for asking.
As they were asking me these questions, they went through my belongings I brought to make sure I didn’t include something which could be considered a weapon. They put my clothes in my room.
After the questions, I was taken to my room and was asked to disrobe in front of two nurses. So naked I got. They made sure I didn’t have any bruises anywhere etc. that my skin was devoid of any kind of abuse, which it was.
As it was late in the night, I went to bed, this was my second journey to the psych unit…I slept good that night. I was safe, felt safe, nothing could get to me. It was a nice feeling.
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