Voices And Hallucinations

The Voices Are Real

There are times in life when I hear voices in my head. They are real to me and I don’t know how to stop them from speaking. At times, they can be present, other times they are down right mean and evil. I don’t seem to have any control over what they say to me. Some are demanding that I take action or do something. I am not a fan of these command type voices.

Not All Voices Are Bad

There seems to be a misconception in the fact that all voices in my head are bad. This is not always the case. Some voices are quite innocent in nature. I wouldn’t call them friendly, but they are not mean or evil. I recall living in a house with a voice that would giggle as she played on my keyboard. I could hear the keys clacking as she played with them. Then she would call out for her mom. It was so clear, there was no mistake she wanted her mom. I never did hear the mom respond or anything like that.

The Mean Voices

Then there are the mean voices. These are the ones that tell me I’m worthless, that I should just give up, that I’m a failure. They can be quite persistent, and they can be quite loud. I try to tell them off from time to time, but they don’t seem to like that. They get more angry and upset with me. Oh, how loud they can become when they are angry. It gets so annoying, I don’t have a way of stopping them. I wish I could make them stop and go away. But I don’t know how to do that.

The Evil Voices

Then there are the evil voices. These are the ones that tell me to hurt myself. I figure these voices are from the devil. I mean who else could they be from? They are always telling me to do things that I do not want to do. They want me to harm myself. I don’t want to do that. I’d rather not hurt myself thank you very much!

I remember when I was set apart as a missionary for the LDS Church, I kept hearing a voice shouting in my head to make it stop. To put an end to it. It was a very loud voice, one that I couldn’t just ignore. It interfered so much that I was unable to hear the blessing part of the setting apart. I was so distracted by the voice that I couldn’t focus on what was being said to me.

Hallucinations

Then there are the hallucinations. These are people I tend to see here and there, but they aren’t real. They exist only within my mind. My brain makes them seem real though and they can be quite vivid.

The Nun

The first time I saw someone that wasn’t there, I was in the hospital. In the psych ward. I walked into my room and there was a nun standing there. She looked at me, apologized for being there and left the room. I went to follow her and she vanished. I asked a nurse on staff if they had nuns working at the hospital. They replied that they didn’t have any nuns working there. I was confused and a little scared and I didn’t know what to make of it.

The Little Boy

The next time I saw someone that wasn’t there, I was at my in-laws house. Their nephew had come over and I looked into the kitchen where they were standing. I saw a little boy standing there with them. He was wearing a yellow shirt, jeans, and sneakers. I asked my wife about the kid, I didn’t know they had any children. She said they didn’t. I looked back into the kitchen and the kid was gone.

The Little Girl

The third time I saw someone that wasn’t there, I was standing in my living room. It was around Christmastime. I looked at the window and there was this little girl wearing a red hoodie. She was blonde. I looked away for a second and she disappeared. Then my wife said “Stop it!” To the girl. The girl then raised one of the snowflakes on the window, and it flew across the room. I was so scared, I left the house.

Death Wish

Then there are the death wishes. These are the thoughts that I have that tell me to just end it all. They tell me to just go ahead and kill myself. I don’t think I want to do that, but the voices keep insisting otherwise. It feels like an uphill battle. I have to fight against these thoughts and voices every day of my life.

Strike a match, go on and do it.¹

Possibly not the same meaning as the songwriter intended, as I find this version akin to killing myself. It just makes sense to me in this context rather than the intended meaning. I guess the interpretation is up to the listener. I’m sure the songwriter had a different meaning in mind. But it really is up to interpretation.

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1. Sunny Came Home by Shawn Colvin↩︎