Unprecitable

Life can be scary at times. I don’t know how else to say it. I hate being told what to do how to think or act given any kind of situation. But here I am with these fears that make it impossible to wind down at night. I just woke up to a loud banging from somewhere above or next to my apartment. I want to feel safe here, but now I’m not so sure if I can.

That’s what’s scary about life most times. It’s unpredictable. It would be nice to be able to try and not worry about life and all of its misconceptions. But I don’t know how to do that. Maybe I’m not meant to understand the ways of the universe as it were. Not yet at least.

If I can’t feel safe in my own home, where can I feel safe at? I’m not sure if I’ve ever felt safe in a place I’ve lived. There are too many variables that can happen. So many things that can take place. It’s down right scary at times. Yet I manage to muddle through somehow, heaven knows how I do it, but I do.

It would simply be nice if I could calm down for a moment and simply think about the possibilities of life without going into freak out mode. I’m not sure if I know how any of that’s supposed to work. Maybe someday I’ll figure it out, but that day won’t be today.

So many things in this life manage to make everything feel impossible at times. I’m not a fan of feeling that way. I like to be able to look at a situation and think hey, what can I do to make things better, and then do that thing. Perhaps that’s wishful thinking on my part, I don’t know. Hell, I’m not sure if I even know what’s real anymore. Now that’s a scary proposition.

Yet I putter around life wondering if what I’m doing will ever amount to anything. Feels like a curse most days if you ask me. To be honest, I hate it. I wish life wasn’t this way. But that’s just show this life is at times. Trust me when I say, I don’t get it.