Over Thinking

What Do You Do?

What is the point of living if you are miserable most of the time? Say you have to go through dialysis twice to three times a week. What’s the point of living? You’re tethered to a machine three times during the week without any kind of escape. Feels like at some point all hope is lost and goes out the window. So, what do you do at that point in life? I mean do you simply give up and call it quits? I’m not sure what the answer is for that.

I feel heartbroken not being able to reach out and help those who need my help. If I had a way to do it, I would. But I’m not sure if I know how to go about doing that. I feel stuck in a place without anywhere to go. Without anyway to overcome whatever it is I am feeling right now. These feelings suck to be honest.

Wishing

Wishing my dad was here to help doesn’t make matters easier. I still have him in my phone, his phone has long since been disconnected. I’ll never hear his voice again. Wishing never did a damn thing for me. I feel hurt, lost, alone, and most of all afraid. I hate feeling this way, but there’s no other way to feel.

Feeling lost isn’t the only emotion I feel at times. There are plenty of other emotions I feel and have to feel because I am human. It would be nice not to have to feel these emotions. But I’m not sure how to go about that. There are too many complex emotions that come with the territory of living, at least for me there are. Maybe that’s the problem, too many emotions to comprehend right now.

Worry

You may be thinking, “wow he worries a lot,” and you wouldn’t be wrong. The song continues to play, the characters are the same but the scenes change direction sometimes. There’s nothing I can do to make it stop. The worry will always be there no matter what. I want to break down and just cry at times. That’s how bad the worry is. But I can’t allow myself to do that. No, to do that would admit defeat. Defeat in certain danger that comes my way. I cannot allow that to happen.

Anger

I am angry at myself for allowing these emotions to rule my life. I know there’s a way to overcome this, or get around it. Whatever the case may be. I am stronger than these emotions that I feel. Perhaps in another time I might have the stgrength to do these things. But now, I am unable to figure out anything. It is too much to comprehend all at once. Things must be taken in bite size pieces. But I don’t suppose I have to tell you that.

If I can’t find a way to slow down this anger I feel, I fer I’ll simply become part of the problem to myself. Maybe it’s too late and I already am a part of the problem that is me. It’s fine. It’s whatever it is. I don’t have all the answers to any of it, but I do know it’s tough out there.

Conclusion

Maybe the answers will never come. I can handle that.