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I Want It To End

 There are so many things in this life that I wish could end. My life being one of them. I know it's not a good thing to think about or obsess over. But hey this is life and that's what happens in life. Call it depression, call it anxiety, call it a mixture of the two. Call it whatever you want. But I want to die. I don't expect anyone to understand my reasons for wanting death over life. Maybe it's because I miss my dad so much, I want to be with him on the other side. There's nothing for me here. Not anymore.

I mean what can be done about this? I fear there's nothing that can be done. I feel so lost without the ability to do anything about it. So lost and afraid and alone with my thoughts. Such thoughts can be dangerous to have. I don't know if I have the ability to overcome these thoughts. They constantly bother me, they annoy me. I need to figure out a way to move on.

Move On.

What an odd combination of words right now considering I'm moving. It would be nice to be able to figure things out. So many things to figure out and I don't have the slightest clue of how to even start that thought process.

I feel like screaming at times. Is there a way to scream, aside from inside, and not have anyone hear it? I don't know. It would be nice to be able to figure that out too. I want to figure out so many things in this life and I don't know if I have the ability to do any of that. Not now, not yesterday, not even tomorrow. That covers all the basis right? Yeah.

Maybe I just need to slow down and think things through. Maybe then I'll be able to get things settled and figured out. But that takes time. Time which is not on my side. I don't have a lot of time.

If I had a way to overcome all of this overthinking, I think I could manage to make things better. But I don't know how to do that. I miss my dad so much. It doesn't seem to be getting any easier.

So many things I don't have control over. So many things I can't keep up with mentally. Being diagnosed with one mental illness only to have it replaced by another one? That gets confusing at times.

I guess I'll just find a way to overcome it all. There doesn't seem any other way to go about it. So that's life. 

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