Today was an okay day for the most part. I can’t complain about it. It was a little strange feeling at times. I can’t really describe it. I’m not sure I want to understand. Not many kittens running around today. It was pretty overcast, maybe they went into hiding. Who knows! Maybe there are things in life which are meant to be confusing. Yeah well that doesn’t mean it will make sense. There’s a lot of things that don’t add up most days. Whatever happens in life will happen for a reason. There’s nothing I can do to change or fix it. It will take place as it always is meant to be. That is the secret behind it all. Such a confusing concept that of destiny. We all have a destiny. We want to believe we are in control of our own destiny. I don’t believe this to be the case. They say God has a plan for us. What if He knows the beginning to the end. How we will react to different situations. It doesn’t leave much room for agency now does it? Nothing feels like it’s up to chance anymore. Th...
Having been diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder (MDD) with psychotic features1 is a pain in the ass. I don’t know how else to live with it, but the fact that I have to simply deal with it. When the voices tell you to do something you have to listen to them. Feeling emotionally frustrated at times isn’t a good thing. I don’t know how to deal or handle any of it. So I try my best to ignore it. Yeah, try that for a while and see how it goes. I’ll wait no worries.
I wish I knew how best to live with these constant thoughts and feelings. But I’m not sure if I know exactly what to do about all of these things that happen in my head. I mean the voices are one thing, but the feelings are something else. Let’s face it, the voices tell me to kill myself. I’ve yet to listen to them or obey them, but I fear that someday I will give in and end up doing exactly what they want me to do.
It would be nice not to have to deal with these demons in my life. But I don’t see a way of living life without having them there. They are a necessary evil that I don’t know how to control. So many things in this life can be difficult to handle at times.
The thought of having MDD with Psychosis is depressing by itself. The thought that I can’t simply be normal. I don’t know what it’s like to be normal. I can’t even explain what normal is to you for I don’t believe I have ever felt it. It would be nice if this life simply ended. I don’t know how to make that happen though. I have some ideas, but those are just ideas. They won’t get me far. Maybe there’s a way I can overcome these thoughts. If I can’t? Then there’s a problem with me.
Death would be a welcome change of scenery I think at times. It would be nice not to think about or worry about this life anymore. Perhaps I could do something that would be better than what it currently is. I’m not sure how that would work out for me, but it’s something I want to happen. I can’t make it happen mind you, but I can wish.
It would be nice to be able to figure everything out all at once. I doubt there’s a way to figure anything out though. I think that’s just the way things go from time to time though. I hate it. I wish there was a way to make everything slow down and not be so chaotic.
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