If I had the opportunity to tell the world something it would be this we are going to be okay Don’t believe anything else this world tells you it won’t come out to make sense in the end
They say time comes and goes as it pleases, but we have to make the determination to make choices in this life whether they be good or bad. But what exactly makes a choice good or bad? Who decides that? Who is the goto for everything that is either good or evil? The black and white thinking can be the death of me at times. I can feel it in my bones.
There doesn’t always seem to be a simple solution to the question at hand. Sometimes we have to simply wing it, whatever comes our way and be prepared as best we can before everything blows over, and we’re caught in the thick of it all. For once, I think it would be nicde to be able to simply figure things out as they come to me. But that’s not how this life was made. Perhaps I’m made to be broken. If that’s the case, what is the purpose of it all? Doesn’t quite make sense to me.
It feels like I’m in a trance at times. There’s nothing wrong with me, at least I don’t think there’s anything wrong with me. But who’s to even say if there is? My brain can fire off all the neurons it wants to, and I’ll still be here thinking and wondering if I’m good enough. That’s part of my downfall I think. The fact that I don’t know if I’m able to be good enough is concerning to me.
Feeling frozen in time without a way to move forward is difficult at times. There has to be a way to forget whatever is weighing my mind down and simply go beyond that which I am stuck. I don’t know how to do that though. At tiems it really feels like I’m frozen in a moment without the ability to do something about it all. That terrifes me. It doesn’t quit emake sense to me now that I am saying it outloud.
My brain feels like it’s in overload at the moment. Overdrive? Whatever the damn word is. I don’t even know what the right term to use is for whatever it is that I’m experiencing. That’s the story of my life. It feels like a constant mistake after another. If I ever do anything right, I’ll be surprised.
What if this life isn’t meant to make sense at times? We’re just meant to go with the flow and see what happens to us? Sounds kinda messed up if you ask me. But that’s just a thought I have. There’s no end to this life. We make mistakes and come back to our life to try it again over and over until we get it right. With no memory of how we got here or what we’ve done in previous cycles.
It really is “Hell on Earth,” and there’s nothing that can be done about it. I wish there were something I could do to fix or change things. But I don’t think that’s in the cards for me. Hell, who knows if I’m even making any sense right now.
But then there are the … spiritual … experiences that I’ve had. I can’t deny them. So where do they come from? God? If it’s God, then He has a way with things. If they aren’t from God, then who did they come from? Perhaps it’s my own imagination that causes all of these manifestations to occur. If that’s the case? What is even real anymore.
As the song says:
Written on these walls are the colors that I can’t change
Leave my heart open, but it stays right here in its cage
I know that in the morning, I’ll see us in the light up on the hill
Although I am broken, my heart is untamed still (Story of My Life, One Direction)
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