So…last night, when I was in bed. I kept hearing a voice. I can’t remember what it was saying, but I do remember it getting madder as I was yelling at it to stop. I just wanted the damn voice to stop, and I couldn’t make it stop! Oh man that was annoying, so very annoying that it wouldn’t stop and I couldn’t make it stop. Life feels so difficult at times with these voices doing whatever the hell they want to do in my head. I can’t seem to shake them. Maybe I need to be put on a different medication? I’m not sure. I just want to feel normal, whatever normal is. I’m not even sure I know what normal is now! Talk about a nightmare. A living nightmare that I cannot control in any way, shape, or form. I want it to end somehow. I don’t even know how to make that possible.
Introduction
There are two parts to this world. Life and Death. That’s all there is to it. You’re either alive or you’re dead. I’d like to explore a little bit of each of these thoughts with you.
- Life is a weird thing
- Death happens for everyone
Life Is a Weird Thing
So, let’s embrace the weirdness of life and make the most of it.1
Life can be considered strange at best. It tends to make matters interesting and change them into forms that we don’t have the ability to understand at times. I suppose that’s just a fact of life, and we must try to allow it to happen.
I tend to think of myself as a penguin. If I am a penguin, then I don’t have to feel human emotions. I can simply ignore any human emotions and feelings that I have. I can waddle to and fro as I please and not worry about human things, or things that keep me down as a human.2 Not to mention, have you ever seen a penguin just slide on their stomachs? Yeah, now that’s cool.
Depression Is Real
So, let’s face it, I have depression. But it’s not only depression, it’s Major Depressive Disorder with Psychosis.3 It’s a real thing. Look it up if you don’t believe me. Or read the footnotes. It’s there for you to see as well. I must give credit where credit is due. I mean, God must have given me this issue. I don’t see anyone else who would have done such a thing to me. So, I believe it was God.
So, it’s more than regular depression, it’s like supped up depression. I don’t know how else to explain/describe it. That’s all there is to it. I wish I knew more about the disease. I know suicide rates are high for people with it if it’s not treated. I’m being treated for it, so that’s a good thing, I guess. Some days I think I was better off dead. There’s no other way to put it. That’s simply how I feel at times. I’m sure there are ways to get around feeling like this, but I’m not sure if I want to know what those ways are.
If this was just normal depression, I think I could deal with it better. But the hallucinations that go along with it? They freak me out like no other. I don’t have a way of controlling them. Medicine helps here and there, but beyond that it’s too much to deal with at times. Yet I press forward hoping things will get better for me.
I know I could ask “Why Me?” In all of this. But I don’t see or feel the need to. Feeling sorry for myself will only cause more drama than I would like to deal with at this moment in time. The voices in my head are loud enough as they are. There’s nothing I can do about them, it seems. They simply continue to talk without the ability for me to stop them. It would be nice to be able to stop the voices. But I don’t see how that is possible.
There are people out there that say, “just get over it”, or other things that are rather inappropriate for the situation I am in. The amount of thinking that I’ll just get over it, won’t do a damn thing about this condition. That isn’t the way to make things better. Life must get better by itself. I don’t have any control overhearing voices or feeling this way. That’s not how any of this works.
I don’t want to go outside; I don’t have the energy to do so. If I could, I would avoid people altogether as well. But that’s not possible. There are some things I must do no matter what. I can fight against it all I want, but in the end, it won’t do me any good. Life makes me do things. Things I don’t want to do. Things I must do to get by and survive. Isn’t survival key here? I’m not sure anymore.
Not Caring
Sometimes I don’t care about things that should matter to me. It’s a strange form of apathy.4 I’m not even sure I know how to express myself regarding it. I agree, it would be better if I cared about what’s going on around me, but I don’t. I don’t even know how to make it better. Or make it so I do care about things. Yet here I am, not really caring at all.
To overcome everything that is causing all of this, I need to be able to take a step back and look at the big picture. See things from a different perspective. Something like that should make me understand things better. What if I don’t want to care? What happens then?
Starships were meant to fly.5
I suppose I can try and get over this hump. I’m not quite sure how to do that though. Not caring can be one hell of a drug. I wish it would simply go away. I could move on with life and simply try to do better. Maybe that’s the goal of life, become better than I currently am.
If you’ve been in the place I am in. I am sorry you had to go through this experience. That’s just the hand life dealt us I suppose. I can’t sit idly by and watch life go on without me. It won’t wait for me, life that is. Life moves on no matter what happens to you. No matter what you do, life will continue moving forward even without you. So, you have two options: Either come to a full dead stop or move on with life.
I think I would prefer to move on with life. It seems like the right course of action right now. At least for the moment. Maybe that will change, who knows what will happen. It’s always a toss-up, a mystery at best.6 Maybe that’s supposed to happen with this life. It could be possible that we’re not meant to understand anything that goes on. We could be living in a fantasy world, and we don’t have the ability to understand it or change things. Is that a reasonable conclusion to any of this? I’m not sure. There are so many uncertainties in this life. I don’t know where to even begin with any of them.
Learning Through Experience
There are many lessons in this life that can be learned. Life gives us lemons at times, and we must make lemonade. It’s an adage that is still relevant today. Learning through experience can be difficult at times. You must mess up from time to time to move forward and progress. If we learn from our mistakes, we can become better people.
If we simply live, we can learn from our experiences. Experience is the best teacher. Experiences in life make up the total sum of who we are. Without experience, we would be nothing. Knowledge wouldn’t come to us, and we wouldn’t understand what we need to do to move forward in life. If we’re not moving forward, we’re going backwards.
Experiences are unique to each person. People can share similar experiences, but they will never be the same. Sometimes this life can be difficult to understand. We don’t always grasp why we’re having certain experiences. But when we do, they can make this life better. They can also make this life worse. It all depends on the experience we’re having.
Life is full of ironies. If you laugh at them, they lose their power to make you feel small.7
Oh, the ironies of life. They can pop up out of nowhere and make you feel bad about yourself. But if we don’t allow that to happen, we can make this life a better place to live in. That’s the point of life. Living in it. We can make life better by not allowing it to overcome us. We can make it better simply by wanting to make it better.
Laughter is the best medicine.8
They say laughter can cure the common cold. I’m not entirely sure if that’s true though. I mean, come on now, how could laughter cure anything? It feels like a stretch if you ask me. But to each their own. If people want to believe in something that could have a positive effect on their life, then I say go for it. There’s nothing I can do to stop them from feeling or acting that way. It’s wonderful if it works out for them. I’m all for it.
It’s funny, there are so many situations in life that can be avoided simply by having a sense of humor. It’s possible to overcome a lot of things if we can laugh at them. I’m not saying to laugh at everything that comes across your path but see what you can take with a grain of salt and shake it off.9 It all has to do with moving forward in life. If we are moving forward, we aren’t taking a step backwards and that’s a good thing.
Survival
Sometimes you must survive through the bad times to enjoy the good times. Survival is an important part of life. There are times it feels like I’m just existing. I’m not really living. I think there is a difference between surviving and getting by.
The difference between “surviving” and “getting by” can be subtle but meaningful. Surviving often refers to continuing to live or exist, especially in difficult or traumatic circumstances. It implies a state of endurance where the focus is on meeting basic needs and overcoming challenges. On the other hand, “getting by” suggests managing to cope or deal with life, often with minimal effort or resources, but without necessarily facing extreme hardship.10
Mentally it’s draining on me. It’s a bit difficult to describe the feelings I have. I am not a fan of being mentally exhausted at times. I wish my brain could take a break from it all from time to time. But I don’t see that happening. Living with a mental illness is a constant battle. You can’t turn it on and off like a light switch. The brain is a complicated piece of hardware. Have a chemical imbalance and everything goes haywire.
Death Happens for Everyone
No matter who you are, you can’t get out of this life except through the doorway known as death. There is no exception to this rule. Everyone who ever lives on Earth will die. I don’t make the rules, I just follow them. It would be nice if we didn’t have to experience death, but that’s not an option I’m afraid.
Death goes as far back as the beginning of life. Adam and Eve died. It’s just how life is. Granted they lived like a thousand years or something.11 But they still died. There’s no escape. Death is inevitable.12
The Moment of Death
I’m scared for the actual moment of death. I don’t want to feel the pain of dying. I don’t want to feel the pain of having a heart attack. Or choking. Or any other ways people can die. I just don’t want to experience that feeling. I imagine it will be a very unpleasant experience. I do not look forward to such an experience. If there is a way to avoid the pain of dying, I would love to have that. But I don’t think that’s possible.
There’s a joke about a man dying in his sleep peacefully, not how the rest of the passengers of the car he was driving died.13 It’s a classic one-liner joke.
In all seriousness, I think dying in my sleep would be the best way to go. My great-grandmother died while she was saying her prayers. What a way to go. She was doing it right, that’s for sure.
In all fairness I’m afraid to die. I mean, I accept that death is a process and part of living this life. But I am afraid to die. I’m not really concerned about where I’ll end up. I’ll end up wherever God decides to put me. I don’t have a problem with that. I have a problem with feeling death happen. Does that make sense? I’m not even sure if it makes sense to me at times. I know I’m afraid. I don’t want to die; I want to live. There’s got to be a term for this.14
Every new beginning comes from some other beginning’s end.15
If that’s true? Then the end is just the beginning. Now there’s a thought I hadn’t considered until today. It would be nice to be able to understand the meaning behind it all though. If death is just the start of something new, then it isn’t an end to anything at all. I suppose that makes sense somewhere in my brain.16 But who’s to say my brain is working like it should these days. I mean, that could be a thing right?
What’s On the Other Side
People have wondered what’s on the other side of death for years. No one has a concrete answer to it. There are many thoughts and theories about it. Some people believe in a Heaven or Hell model. You either go to Heaven or Hell depending on how well you did in this life. Others believe we are all saved no matter what, that Grace takes over. Still, others believe in reincarnation, that we come back to life in another form after we die.
I think the truth is this, we don’t know. We don’t have a clue. We can guess until we are blue in the face, but we won’t know what happens after death until we get there and experience it for ourselves. It’s something that we will eventually understand and grasp, but for now let it remain a mystery.
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