Where Do I Go From Here?

 Ever come across a day where you don't feel good mentally? Emotionally you feel down and you wish you just had a day to figure out what these feelings are? Yeah, that tends to happen a lot for me. I never know what is going on in my own life it feels like. Am I up? Am I down? Depressed? Not depressed? It's all a big roller coaster for me. I'm not sure exactly how to make it all stop to be honest. It would be nice to be able to just give myself a break. But I don't know how to do that.

Where do I go from here? That's the main question I want answered. If I am but a babbling person with no idea of what's going on, then so be it.

I've been diagnosed with different things over the years, some of those diagnoses have changed. Some have stayed the same. The ones that have stayed the same, I seem to be able to have a hold on, for now. The ones that have changed into something else? Yeah, that's a different story.

I'm not quite certain where I belong in all of this. Am I still considered to be human? Do you see what I am up against? I don't see it most days. Other days it's clear as mud. I know I'm human, what else would I be? Exactly.

It would be nice to be able to wake up one morning and just feel normal. If normal is an actual thing one can feel. If it's not? Then I don't want to know what normal is. I know what's normal for me. That's mostly freaking out over nothing. But what is actual normality? That I do not know. I have only known what it is I currently feel.

I suppose that's what dreams are made of. Once you dream, you can only decide from there what the dream means and if it's going to affect you the rest of your life. To me, the dream never ends. It constantly goes and I am stuck wishing and hoping for something better to happen to me. I am happy to a degree but also lost to a degree. What am I to do with my life? I have a career and everything that keeps me stable and above water, but what more is there?

I'm afraid that someday I will wake up and all of this will have been a dream. My everything will be gone, and I won't have a way to get it all back. What does that say about me or my mindset? It's an interesting thought, no? Yeah, that's what I thought.

So, I do what most people do, I sip on my Diet Coke and wait to see how all of this is played out. Was it a simulation to begin with? Was it something real? I just don't know.