DreamSense

 I've done it before; I'll probably do it again eventually. I've prayed for death, for this life to be over. I see no purpose in it anymore. Life is crawling to a standstill as it were. I am slowly falling my way out of tune with it all. I don't know what to do anymore. Just wait for the end to come. I doubt it will come quickly enough for me. No, there must be another way out of this life. Prayer doesn't seem to be helping me much. I wish I could speed up time to the point of death. That might be a good thing for me. There's nothing wrong with my thinking is there? No I don't think there is. I think this thinking is normal for a person under stress. To simply be free from it all would be amazing. I wish I could make it happen, but I can't. Not by myself. There has to be a different way to come about this. It is inevitable, isn't it? Death that is. It will eventually capture us all in its grasp. Why not allow it to happen sooner rather than later. I ...

 Why is it when we say we're fine, that we really aren't? What's up with that. I mean why not simply say that we are not fine and that everything is a train wreck. What's wrong with telling the truth? I don't understand it. I don't get that concept. It makes no sense to me. I wish it did make some kind of sense, but it just doesn't. Life doesn't get easier as it moves forward, it actually tends to get more difficult. There's no way to account for that. It just happens. I wonder what would happen if people were just honest about what was going on in their lives. Would people simply whine about whatever is on their minds more? Would they just chill and tell the truth? How would all of that unfold. It's obviously better to tell the truth about how your life is going. But there doesn't always seem to be a way of actually doing that. I just wonder at times how life would be. Talk about a thought process. Many things can start with "I wonder i...

 Ever think to yourself, it would be nice if... and then you continue the sentence with whatever idea you have? Yeah, I've done that a few times in my life. I often wonder how nice it would be to have whatever I want. However that works, I do not know. I do know that wishes don't always turn out to be something we really want. Needs on the other hand, they can easily overturn a wish any day of the week. So, which do you prefer a wish or a need? I believe needs tend to be more authentic than wishes. Yet I still wish for things from time to time. I wish I had a clear direction of where I'm headed in life. I simply do not know how any of this life will be resolved. If there were a way to figure this out, I'm sure I would hop right on it. But I'm not sure how any of it is supposed to be played out. Only that good will triumph over evil every single time. That's just how life is written. Evil may gain traction here and there for a small moment, but in the end, it is ...

 I feel worthless, useless, I tire of such thoughts. Yet they exist and I have to deal with them. The voices are strong today. They want me to accept my fate and simply die. There is no other way about it. I must die. Living is no longer an option. Yet the other side of my brain tells me that I must continue forward. I do not know why, it doesn't feel like explaining to me. A shame really, I wish I had a reason for it. But I don't. Answers would be good right now, really good. Unfortunately, nothing I do or say can help me out of this situation. I am but a puppet it feels, someone else is controlling the strings that make me think, talk, and move. Oh, how I wish this wasn't the case. I wonder what all these thoughts are about. They're the typical thoughts that process through my mind. Death is but a steppingstone, I don't understand why I cannot proceed. The intrusive thoughts don't stop. The voices don't stop. They all want me dead. I do not know why they w...

 I am depressed. There's no other way of saying it. Being depressed has a way of messing with your head. Getting out of bed is a chore somedays. I am not a fan of it, but it's something I have to endure. I don't know who gave me this depression, was it God? I suppose it doesn't matter. There's just too much to worry about right now. I hate worrying. The anxiety alone is just terrible. The depression tells me I can't do anything, but the anxiety tells me if I don't do something, I'll be in trouble. It's downright frustrating. I am not a fan of it all. What more is there to say about it though. I guess there's a lot more to say. Depression isn't just something you get over. It takes its toll on you. I wish I could overcome all of this. But I don't see a way out of it. Too much to think about right now.

 I'm angry. Angry at this mental illness which I have found myself to have. I am not pleased with it. Every living day is a struggle for me to simply get by. To survive. I don't quite understand it myself, but it is a real thing. I would rather not have this problem at all to begin with, but I cannot control it. It was only a matter of time for this illness to manifest itself and become active in my life. That took place in 2020. Having lived with it for five years now, I can only say this. I hate it. The voices constantly affect me. They tell me things I don't want to hear. Tell me lies that aren't true. Things that aren't real. Yet I listen to them. I'm trying to learn how to cope with it all, but I am not able to do so easily. Therapy helps when I do go. When I don't I have a harder time fighting them. It's a constant struggle. There isn't much I am able to do about it. So, I try to endure. This life doesn't make for an easy thing to live th...

 I first watched Babylon 5 a few years ago. I recently started a new rewatch of the series. There are episodes I don't really like, but I still watch them trying to gain a new appreciation for them. JMS was onto something for sure with this series. It is a masterpiece. The actors in the show are amazing as well. Each took their role with authority and did an excellent job. I enjoy the series so much. It has deep levels of storytelling and lore that you have to pay attention every step of the way. There is a larger story to be told than what is in any single episode, which is how I think it was planned out. I started with The Gathering and then continue on with the series season by season, never skipping an episode. If I remember from my initial watch of the series, there are some that are just my favorite. Those that have to deal with Babylon 4 are my favorite. "Wanna talk socks?" Yeah, that line kills me.

 Saw the following image on Facebook posted by the Mormon Church: My first thought was, really. My screwed up mental health is a gift from God. How did this happen. God gave me the depression and anxiety to go along with it. God made me hallucinate things, see and hear things that aren't there. That's just great. Should I thank Him? How would that even look? I can see it now, thank you God for giving me a screwed-up brain. I love going through these trials every day of my life. There's no other thing I would rather deal with than these trials, so thank you. Then there are all the things you can do to help your mental health: Take a moment each day to calm your mind. Spend time with family, friends, or community. Pray, meditate, or give thanks. Sleep well, eat nutritiously, and exercise. No mention of taking your medications. Heaven knows I need my medications every day or else I would really go nuts. No mention of seeing a therapist. This church believes you can just pray i...

 I wake up in the morning dreading the day. But I still manage to get out of bed. I don't know how that's possible when all I want to do is roll over and go back to sleep. Yet I continue and soon enough I am changing into clothes, I'll grab a shower tomorrow I think to myself. There's always tomorrow to do something that you just don't feel like doing today. I mean why waste energy on something you don't really want to waste energy on. Sitting here I already feel drained, and the day hasn't really even begun yet. I wonder why that is. Has my mind just taken a bit of my energy already that I don't feel like I have the strength to do anything? It's a question to be answered, maybe not here and now but eventually. If I understood all that was happening, I wouldn't be asking these questions now would I. No, I didn't think so. It will continue of course. It always continues, the cycle will continue to go around until something is put there to stop...

 I'm feeling rather defeated lately. I don't know where it's coming from. I feel down, stressed out to the max and just tired. There's no other way to describe it for me. I want it all to end. I want to be happy again. I want to feel the sunlight on my skin and actually feel something. Instead, I feel dead inside. The feelings I feel are dark, and lonely. There's not much else going on with them. I feel alone. If I could find a different way to exist, I would do it. But I'm not sure I can at the moment. The depression has taken me to a very dark place. Life doesn't feel enjoyable anymore. I don't feel like doing anything. Nothing excites me like it used to. This life feels boring and unfulfilling. I'm not sure why I am feeling this way, I just am. It sucks. I imagine days where I am better. Days where I actually feel something. I feel what it's like to be alive. I feel what it's like to understand happiness. All those things that I don't...

 Humans have needs. There are the basic needs that everyone must have. Food, shelter, etc. Then there's love . Everyone needs to feel loved in some form or another. There isn't just one way to show love either. It's not that simple. Love is a very complicated emotion to experience. Everyone experiences love in a different way. There really is no wrong way to experience it. As any emotion goes, love can fade and it can grow stronger. Each person is unique in how they feel love for another person. Or how they feel love from another person. Ever have a moment of true happiness ? Love can feel that way. Sometimes you want to be wrapped up in love like a warm blanket on a cold winter day . Embracing all that there is in love to find out who you really are meant to be. Love can show you the way. Love isn't easy, it takes teamwork between you and another person. You both have to strive towards making love work out. There are no exceptions. You can't just give half your e...

 There are things  I believe in. Things I trust. My faith isn't shaken, I know who my God is. It irritates me when family members try and tell me I have gone astray. I have not gone astray; I try to follow Christ 's teachings as found in the New Testament . Trust me when I say I have not gone astray. Life is a bunch of random nuggets spilled together into a pool of goo. It's all a mess to begin with. We are here to try and understand that goo and everything that is around it. There is nothing else that matters. If we understand life, we can see what else is out there and understand that. Sometimes you have to follow your gut and what feels right. That's not always looked upon as a good thing, but it tends to work from time to time. I'd rather trust my gut than anything else. It tends to tell me things I didn't think of before. The Holy Spirit whispers in a still small voice. It teaches what is true. Most important it testifies of God and Jesus Christ . Ya have...

 There's a famous line from Battlestar Galactica ( BSG ). All of this has happened before, and all of this will happen again. Makes you wonder if the human race has been through all of this before. If we are but copies of another set of humans that once lived on an Earth like our own. But in some misfortune failed to execute their role as what they should be. Something like that. Wouldn't that be interesting if we were all just test subjects, Guinea pigs to see how we react to certain obstacles. I can see that happening. Just toys for someone to play with. When they get tired of their creation, they reset everything and we all go through it over again. There, of course, isn't any concrete proof that this is the case. But it is an interesting thought exercise. Kinda rules out reincarnation as we are just ourselves again. Makes you wonder how everything will go down eventually. How will death be perceived. Will it be just a slight resting point before being thrown back int...

 Some dreams are memorable. Others are not. Sometimes I dream of good things happening, other times I dream of bad things. It's a mix to be honest. Not always the same dreams come to me. I wish all I had were good dreams. But that can't always be the case. Then there are times I don't remember what I dreamed about at all. I know I dreamed last night, but this morning I have no clue what I dreamed about. It's kind of a weird situation. The other day I was dreaming that I wanted to get out of bed. I kept trying to get out of bed but noticed that I couldn't. After every attempt I was still in bed. I finally realized I was dreaming and told myself to wake up. I was then able to get out of my actual bed and start my day. Now that was a weird situation. Ever have a dream during the middle of the day when you're awake? I have. I'm not sure if it was a hallucination or what. But I was sitting there doing my thing, and I was in a different place. It was a dream for ...

 There are things in this life that we worry about. I am here to say do not worry about them. They will be able to be figured out in their own due time. There is a plan for everyone. Not everyone sees it, but it is there. Be at peace because of this. There is nothing to worry about. Life will find a way to figure itself out. Of course you do have to put some leg work in. Life can't do it by itself. But you will know what to do when that time comes.

 Have you ever thought for a moment that life is weird? I bet you have. I know I have. It comes at us in so many different directions. Sometimes we don't know what to do with it all. Yet we continue forward like nothing happened. It's just life doing its thing. We think to ourselves. They say that weird can be described as just something different in life. It doesn't mean anything bad. It can be a good thing, a thought-provoking thing. Something to consider at least. If I find life weird at times, then I try and look into it. See why it's weird. Maybe I'll come up with an answer, maybe I won't. Either way I know that something feels off. I'm tired of all the lectures. It's all in your head. You'll get over it. Why can't you just work through things? Well, it's not that easy. Life was made weird for me a long time ago. I don't have control over anything anymore. At least that's what it feels like. I wish I had control over something. T...

 I haven't been feeling good lately. Both physically and mentally. I don't know what's going on. But I just do not feel good. I wish I could pinpoint exactly what is happening, but I don't know. So many things would be better if I did know what was happening, but well that just isn't always possible now is it. No, I didn't think so. There has to be something I can figure out. I wake up and my stomach feels upset. The mind races and thinks about things I shouldn't really think about. Yet here I am wishing I were dead again. I pray for some release from this torture and I get nothing. No answers, no replies, nothing. I feel like I've been given up on by an unseen force. Or entity. That entity being God. Does He even care about me? I do not know. I tend to vent a lot on this blog. I know that. That's its main purpose, I think. I don't think there's anything wrong with it. It's just how I manage my problems. There's got to be a different ...

 There are days where we ask a question. It might be to a parent, or sibling, or even God. We ask this question in good faith hoping to receive an answer. Usually, we have an answer in mind that is appropriate for the question asked. Sometimes we do not receive that answer but are astonished to hear a completely different answer than the one we were expecting. As a result, we might become discouraged. Did we perhaps not ask the right question? Is it possible the hearer misheard the question. We make up all sorts of explanations in our heads as to why we didn't get the answer we most desired. No, they didn't hear the question wrong. In fact, they heard you loud and clear. It is you who have misread the room and to whom you were asking the question. It is the only logical answer that I can come up with at this point in time. So, we have two choices. We can either run with the answer given or complain and seek yet another answer. Well, what happens if you seek another answer and y...

 Ever feel like life is falling apart all around you and you don't have a clue of what to do about it? That's where I am at the moment. If I could, I would make things better. But there are so many uncertainties running about. I do not know how to do that. My self-esteem seems to be quite down lately. I don't know how to boost myself back up. I don't dare tell anyone about it, they might throw me in a hospital. That's the last thing I want from any of this. So many wishes in life and I can't make one of them come true. What is wrong with me? I don't understand life. Not in the least. There has got to be way to get over all of this. I'd rather not think about it. But it has to be thought of, doesn't it. That's how this life manages to become something. I need an answer of some kind to my problems. Therapy helps in certain situations, but I'm not sure if it helps in all situations. I don't always get the answer I want. Or need. Sometimes I ...

 This life is fragile. There's no news about that. People come into this life born to be fragile; they must make an attempt to make themselves strong. I do not always feel strong to carry on in this life. But something keeps me going. I don't know what that something is though. My mental health is out of whack at times. It's always going up and down like I never expected it to. But that's life I suppose. Life can be surprising at times. What you once expected to be truth ends up being something completely different. I do not understand what it means of course, not now at least. Maybe someday I will get what it is I am to understand. But for now, I do not. I must accept that as truth for now. If I could turn off the negative thoughts in my head, that would be ideal. But I can't. They are there to destroy me. I don't know why they are there to be honest. But they continue no matter what condition I am in. I don't get it most of the time, I doubt I ever will. A...

 There doesn't feel like there's a point to this life today. I'm here, I'm alive, but there's just no point in any of it. What am I doing here. If all I'm meant to do is suffer, I'm doing a good job at it. There doesn't seem to be a good enough reason to be alive right now. I don't want to be alive. I don't want to exist. But I can't just be saying that to those I care about. They would freak out and not understand any of it. So, I keep it to this blog and to myself. My therapist might also end up knowing. Let's hope they don't throw me to the hospital. I don't want that right at the moment. I need to find a way to be happy with life. There has to be a way to simply be happy and accept that happiness. I'm not sure I understand how to do that. Does it make sense? No, not really. Will it ever make sense to me? I highly doubt it. So, what's the point of it all. If only I knew. Depression seems to be running high as of late. T...

 If I could have one thing in this world it would be peace. Peace of mind, peace of heart. Whatever kind of peace i wanted, I would wish for that. Imagine if the whole world got together and worked together for the greater good. Instead, we have wars and rumors of wars. Things that get ugly and there's nothing that can be done about them, not in a logical manner that is. Someone always has to be right. Someone always has to be on the winning side of things. Why must there always be a winner and a loser to situations? War is no laughing matter. I would love to have a clear mind and an open heart. Doesn't always happen that way though. Life is what you make of it. It can go well or it can go bad. It's up to you to shape and mold it to how you want it to go. No one can make that decision for you. That's just how it is. Not everything is cut and dry in this life. It doesn't happen that way. I'm not a fan of things that don't happen according to plan. I don't...

 I feel alone again. I don't understand why this is happening. I am surrounded by people who are kind to me. Why do I feel so alone?! It makes no sense. I would like for something to make sense for once. Something in my life at least. Other things make sense. But my life does not. I'm sure life makes sense to someone out there, and I am envious of them. If I could have that same clarity, maybe I wouldn't hate life so much. But I do. There's no rhyme or reason to any of it. I just don't grasp the simple concept of life. I've thought about it over and over again, how we are born we live, and we eventually die. Then someday there's a judgement for all of what we did while on this Earth. Maybe there is nothing to get. It could be all a charade meant to fool me into a false sense of belief, if I were to have something make sense. No matter what happens I am still alone. So, I will go forth and try to exist the best way I know how. Life shouldn't be this way. ...

 Ever have a specific feeling about something and you wished it wasn't real? Kind of like an intuition of some sort. You never know what will happen exactly, but you do know that something must happen. All because your gut tells you so. Gut feelings are something unique aren't they. These feelings have a way of making you feel ill, even sick to your stomach for a time. There doesn't seem to be any other way about it. I don't know how else to explain it. I wish I had a way of discerning these feelings from other things in my life. But I don't think I am able to at this present moment in time. So many things would be nice if I could figure them out. But I can't. There are so many thoughts processes a person can go through before they are able to land on the right one. It doesn't quite make sense to me most of the time though. I wish it did. I wish something made sense to me, but I am unable to actually figure anything out at the moment. Is it just plain nonsen...

 The LDS Church held its General Conference yesterday and today. I watch from time to time to see what's going on just out of curiosity. Nothing really to note this time around. Just that there isn't a current prophet leading the church as the last one just died. They'll call another one soon I'm sure, that's what they usually do. I felt some emotion as I watched but didn't really feel the spirit. Maybe I'm just too far gone to feel any such thing anymore. Who knows. I sure don't.

 So, I decided to change the appearance of my blog. It's more of a simplistic design than anything else. I like it. It has roughly the same color scheme as the old blog. I don't mind it at all. I quite like it actually. Just thought it was time for a new fresh coat of paint is all. There's not much to really say about it except for, it's there.

 So, tell me, what is the point of believing in a spiritual supreme being? I often wonder what that is all about. I know religions say that God, as some call him, is our father. We pray by starting with our father who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name. Yet sometimes it feels like he is absent from our lives. Is it due to how we are living our lives? What exactly is the cause of that feeling? Some people believe that God, Jesus, and the Holy Ghost are one person. Others do not. It is interesting to me to see what all churches believe in. I myself do not go to church. I don't believe in organized religion. I have my bible on my phone, so it's me and my bible. That is my link to God. It makes me wonder if that's enough though. I have faith in Christ, I believe in him. Is my faith sufficient to be forgiven of my sins? I do not know. I do know that wherever I end up in the afterlife, I will have done my best to follow Christ. I believe the scriptures which lay out Christ's...

So, it's another weekend. Yay. I am so tired, I'm not sure if I slept wrong or what. Stressed out to the max. Nothing feels like it's going right for me at the moment. But I'll get there I suppose. There needs to be a good reason for all of this. I don't understand what's going on anyway. Life is just life and that is about it. I wish I could figure out what's going on with my life at the moment. One day I'm zigging that way the other day I'm zagging the other direction. Nothing feels stable right now. I don't like that feeling. I need some kind of relaxation method to just calm me down. I hope I get there soon enough. There's no reason for me not to get there. I just don't know what's going on anymore.

 What does my existence matter? To whom does it matter? If you're saying God. I don't believe that. He hasn't bothered to make himself known in my life, so why should I think he cares? I don't know what that makes me, but I sure aren't interested. Whatever this life takes form, I'll follow it. Not in a religious sense, but more of a me sense. Does that make any difference? I'm not sure. I know what my family members want me to believe. It doesn't mean I will believe in that though. I am my own person. A free spirit. Free to do whatever it is I want to do. If that's the case, why do I keep trying to justify it to myself?! I don't get it. I just hope everything works out for the best. I don't know what the best is, so I'll table that for now. Most people want to just live their lives in privacy. They want to go about their day and not be bothered by anything or anyone. They like to keep to themselves. No one bothers them, they don't bot...

 I'm on the verge of a mental break; I can feel it. I would rather not go through this. But I don't know what to do about it. There has to be a way of combatting this feeling. I don't want to be put back in a psych ward for who knows how long. I don't want to be there. It feels like a waste of time to be honest. I wish I could overcome these feelings I'm having. Anything will do; I just don't want these feelings. Not everyone understands what's going on with me. Either they don't care or don't want to listen. They say they don't understand. If they don't understand then they should educate themselves. All it takes is a Google search. Oh, that pisses me off the most. I don't understand so I won't help you. That kind of mentality doesn't make sense to me. So many things I wish for. People to understand me is one of those wishes. My own family to understand me and what's going on is one of those wishes. I try to explain it to the...

 I wish I could just tur over and die already. I am not a fan of life. It hurts, there are too many things going on and not enough time to do them in. My heart is heavy today. It's been heavy for a while now; I haven't been paying attention to it. Well things are coming to a head. I wish I could make the pain go away. But I can't. So much pain going through my head right now. I suffer because of it and it shows. To some people, they might not see it. I can put on a happy face. But to others who really know me, they see though the face and see what's going on. I need to figure out how I got to this place and free myself from it. Luckly therapy is coming up; I'll be able to figure out something by then I hope. Hope is such a broad term isn't it. You can say you hope for a million things. You can hope all you want; those millions of things aren't going to be happening. Nothing seems to really matter anymore. I don't know how else to put it. Something's ...

 Well, it's another Friday. Can I get a woot? You there in the back, thank you kind sir. Anyway, today is the start of a new weekend. I enjoy weekends. They're crisp and full of life to me. So many things can happen during a weekend. But you just never know what's going to happen actually. It can go well or it can go bad. If it goes well? You've got nothing to worry about. But if it goes bad, there are some things to worry about let me tell you. But let's digest that for another day. Today is going to be a great day! That's what I try to tell myself. There's no reason for it not to be a great day. The sun will shine. Maybe a little rain here and there but nothing too bad. Then the countdown starts.

 I don't belong here. There are many other places I would rather be. I don't know how to deal with this load that's pressing down upon me at this time. There has to be a way to overcome it all. I wish I could just figure out what's going on. So many things are up in the air at the moment. I don't know how to juggle all of them at once. There must be a way to do that. Anything will do. I have to figure out a way to juggle life with everything else that is going on. Life isn't easy. It's not easy for anyone to live in this day and age. I'm sure the other years were pretty terrible too. There wasn't anything anyone could do about it. I don't know how to say it properly. But it's the truth. Sometimes life feels like a big joke. There's nothing I am able to do to get away from it. But I keep trying to just slip out while it's not looking behind me. It's not an easy task. But I manage. What else can you do when there's a problem lik...

 I believe that something good will come out of any situation that we are placed in. It has to be something good right? Because something bad would be terrible. That something all depends on the situation we are facing at the moment. There isn't one answer to all situations. It doesn't work that way. I wish there were a blanket statement that could fix all things. But there isn't. That is a pipe dream. Good and Bad situations come about because that's just how life rolls. Some happen because we did something to cause it. Others happen just because, no reason really. They just happen to us and we have to accept and deal with the outcome. Without consequences we wouldn't have the ability to change our behavior towards things. Life is full of those certain ways. Now you may have a bad thing come out of a situation, but the good part is you've learned something. It was a learning lesson for you. Sometimes all we need is to be able to learn something from one another...

 People are afraid of death. I don't know why that is. Shouldn't people be looking forward to death? It's a release from all mortal concerns and worries. Any impairment you have will be gone once you die. I'm not suggesting anyone kill themselves, no that wouldn't be right. But death caused just by itself should be a happy thing. Sure, we'll miss those who pass on, but eventually we will see them again. So, I ask, what is wrong with death? Maybe people are afraid of going through the process of death and feeling the pain of death. I can understand that. I don't want to die in a painful way. But I'm not the one who decides how I will die. Sure, I can do myself in, but the way I have in mind would be painful. Probably the reason I haven't tried it yet. Who knows. I often wonder what's on the other side of death. I have seen family members die and I wonder what they're up to. There doesn't seem to be a good reason to think about that, but I ...

 Mental Health is a serious thing to be concerned about. Many people suffer from mental health issues. Each one has their own battle to fight regarding it. No one is less than other people because of their mental health. Many insurance companies don't take mental health seriously enough. They don't really provide enough coverage for such things. It's annoying. Therapists and psychiatrists are expensive. They don't get cheaper as time goes on. I myself suffer from mental health issues. I've talked about it before in my blog. It's nothing new. It's not exciting. It's annoying as all get out. Medicine helps things, sure. But it doesn't fully take mental health out of the picture. Therapy does help get through the days. I would like to live a day or two without any mental illness. But I don't see that happening anytime soon. It's like a spider under the table, always watching, always bugging me. Hell, I don't know where I'm going with thi...

 I see the simulation as everyone on Earth being different parts of a single person's consciousness. Like being a part of a single person. It's not like the Matrix; we aren't in some tubes while our mind plays out our lives. No, I don't see it like that. When people get sick, that person's brain is having issues and needs to be repaired. Who is the person though? Is it God? Does God exist? Or is it just random joe in the real world who is dreaming. I don't know the answer to that; those are just speculations. The real world exists out there somewhere. We just have to find it. I think it's possible to find it, one night we'll go to sleep and wake up back in the real world where we belong. It's not that far-fetched. I don't think it is at least. The real world awaits us all. There's no escaping it. It will eventually come to us. Or we will come to it. Either way we will find it and be safe and out of this simulation. Thinking about the simulati...

 When will this life come to an end for me? I want to know. I could plan the rest of my life accordingly if I had that answer. But I don't. There's no reason to have such an answer I understand that. But it still would be nice to know. Maybe life doesn't really exist for any of us. We are merely just pretending to be alive, in a role with billions of others. I don't understand how I can go on living. So many things have happened to me in the past, terrible incidences that I cannot erase from my memory. Yet here I am still breathing for some reason. I wish I knew what that reason was. Life is but a joke. There are days that I want to forget. Memories I want to forget. Thoughts I want to forget. Yet they all stay with me for some reason. I don't understand why they stick with me. Always reminding me of things lost. Never reminding me of the good times, always the bad. It doesn't make sense to me. There doesn't appear to be any point to it. I can wish all I wan...

 I've come to the conclusion that this life doesn't matter. We're all going to die anyways, so why even try. There's no point to it. So many things in this life that we make up in our brains and we can't figure out a way to make everything right in the end. We have to rely on a supreme being to decide if we've been good enough to go to heaven. We're born, we live, and we die. That's just all there is to this life. Sure, there are lessons learned along the way and we'll carry that knowledge into the next life, but beyond that nothing matters. Why should it matter? It makes no sense for it to do anything. If my heart is hardened, so be it. But I don't think it is. I'm having a rough time at this whole life thing. I don't know how to overcome it. There has to be a way to get out of this slump I'm in. I feel down and that's not a good thing. So, for now, life doesn't matter. I don't think it ever did. I don't think it'...

 Had some weird dreams last night. I just know they were weird; I can't remember specifics. Something about breaking a computer. But that's it. It would boot or anything as far as I can remember. I don't know what that was all about. Just a silly dream. Wasn't meant to make any sense or anything. Just a fluke of a dream I guess.

 I'm not sure I know what's going on in my own life at this moment. I know what's occurred. What will occur soon. But nothing concrete. It feels like it's all made up and I am going to wake up any day now. If I had the ability to actually see the future, I could anticipate what was coming for me. But I can't, so I won't be able to do any of that. What a shame. So many things to wish for. So little time in which to do it all. I won't be wishing on anything anytime soon. There's no point to it. All we are left with are empty hopeless dreams that will never come true. Maybe I can change the outcome before everything grows too late. Maybe I can do all of that and make it happen. I don't know exactly what needs to change yet. I'm still working on that list. I need to figure out something, anything to make this life move forward. I feel like I'm in survival mode. I guess I do have one wish, but she's not coming back. No matter how long I hang o...