I Woke Up

 Woke up this morning. I suppose that's good news. I wasn't ready for my alarm to go off. Let's face it, I wanted to sleep in, But I couldn't, that's just how things go.

Suicidal Ideation

 Over the years I've had to deal with suicidal ideation. Those are thoughts of being dead, some more extreme than others. It causes issues for me a lot of the time. It's not an easy thing to talk about at all.

Here's what it is:

• Suicidal ideation (suicidal thoughts) are thoughts or ideas centered around death or suicide. Experiencing suicidal ideation doesn’t mean you’re going to kill yourself, but it can be a warning sign.

Didn't Sleep

 What's the point of sleep anymore if I can't sleep? I don't think I slept any good last night. I was awake at 3 am wondering to myself, what on earth am I doing awake? Yeah, that happened. It doesn't make any sense.

Fortunately, it's the weekend. So, I can catch up on sleep tonight. I don't have to be anywhere tomorrow, so it's a good opportunity to actually sleep for once. Whatever the case, I hope I'll be able to fall asleep and stay asleep. We will see what happens.

Life can just be weird

Let's face it, this life can just be weird. There's nothing wrong with that thought process. It just happens. There are many things in this life that can make it weird. Some things we just don't have control over and that much can be annoying at best. People like to have control over certain aspects of life. When you feel like you no longer have that control, well it just doesn't work out for you.

No Sleep

 This is the second day I've woken up early. Like way earlier than normal. Like four am early. I don't know what to do about it. I need my sleep. I can't keep doing this, can I? Sooner or later my body will be all, oh forget you and not wake up on time at all. That would be a nightmare.

Hopefully I'll be able to figure this out, because a man needs his sleep.

I Don't Feel Like Living

 There I said it. I just don't feel like living anymore. I don't know what caused me to feel this way, but it's how I've felt for a while now. Life feels so rundown and too much to handle at times. Yet I continue onward hoping the thought process will change and I will want to continue in this existence.

I don't have a plan to kill myself mind you. No, that hasn't come to the table yet. Thank goodness. I just don't feel like continuing on with life. Can I have these feelings? Is it okay to have such feelings? I don't know.

Sure, there have been suicidal ideations in the past, but those aren't affecting me at the moment thank goodness. Knock on wood. Those can get scary at times. Scarier than I would ever admit. But they do crop up from time to time.

Now why do I want to die. I feel like I'm a burden on other people. I feel if I weren't around that other people wouldn't have to worry about me and I could just be on my way. They would be able to live out their lives and I would be able to be on the other side of whatever it is you go through when you die.

It seems like a fair enough compromise if you ask me.

But who am I to judge what's to happen to me? I don't know how I will end up going out someday, I hope it's quietly.

Sleepy

 Are you ever just dead tired? You're dead to the world and you don't know what to do about it? Well, that's how I feel today. I'm sure it's due to my head cold. But I feel so sleepy and tired I don't know what to do. It would be nice if I had an idea or a simple thought of what to do, but I don't.

I have to stay awake. Falling asleep would be a bad thing right now. Things need to be done. People are counting on me. Even a small nap could disrupt my day. We don't want that at all. No sir.

So, I shall endeavor to do my best to stay awake. Wish me luck!

Thinking

 There are days that are better than others. I find myself looking forward to the good days ahead and not the bad days behind me. The bad days are a reminder that I survived whatever was put before me. I am able to get through the trying times and live in the present.

I need to shave, but don't feel like it. I mean whose choice is it to shave to begin with? Me. That's who. So, if I decide not to shave, I don't need to shave. Having that one choice to make empowers me. I feel like I have control over something in a world where I don't have any control.

Life feels meaningless at times. There's nothing I'm able to comprehend about it, it just exists, and I don't feel one way or the other about it. It would be nice to be able to say no more, no longer will I be bound by this life's meaningless existence, but I can't. It keeps its hold on me, and I cannot let go.

I've compared life to music before. Like music this life continues to play on, there's nothing stopping it, it just keeps going round and round again. It would be nice for the music to stop once in a while to allow me to catch my breath. But at the moment, it doesn't allow me to do any of that. So, I am stuck.

Sometimes I wonder what life would be like without racing thoughts in my mind. Those constant thoughts that I'm not good enough, that I will never amount to anything. Thoughts that cripple me down to the depths of despair. Thoughts that simply don't make any sense to me. I doubt they would make sense to anyone.

Head Cold

 I've found myself having a head cold. It sucks. I don't really know where it came from, but it's there. My head feels cloudy and sounds hurt it. My nose won't stop running and I'm developing a cough. So yeah that just plain sucks. Oh well everyone gets sick from time to time I suppose.

Racing Thoughts

 There are times where I cannot help the thoughts that come into my mind. They're racing and I feel like I don't have any control over them. It would be nice to be able to not have these thoughts, but I don't know how to do that. I simply don't have a clue how to not have these thoughts.

I'm sure you're wondering what kinds of thoughts I'm having. Well, they stem from all walks of life I'm afraid. Anything and everything you can imagine (within reason), I've probably thought about. Nothing too out there or crazy mind you, but sometimes just flirting on the edge of whatever it is.

Some might call these intrusive thoughts. Thoughts that pop into my head and I have no control over them. Yeah, they tend to do that a lot. Nothing I can do to stop them I'm afraid, but well what's new in that area of life? Not much at all.

So, I suppose I'll just have to deal with them. If they choose to leave me alone, they will do so. If they don't wish to leave me alone? Then I will simply have to deal with them. Talk about a crazy time to be alive. If I could control what they communicate to me that would be a different story entirely.

April Fools Day

 Yesterday was April Fools Day. I chose not to participate in it. There seemed to be no reason to. Because of that no one was able to prank me either. It was a blissful day to be certain.

Personally I don't understand the need to prank other people. There just doesn't seem to be a reason for it. I get people enjoy it and all of that, but I don't see the appeal of it all. Oh well, to each their own I suppose.

I don't think I'll be participating in next years event either.

Dreams can be weird

 Had some crazy dreams last night. I don't remember them all, but I do know they were just plain crazy. I wonder why the mind thinks up these thoughts and considers them dreams. It doesn't make any sense most of the time, yet here we are and those are the dreams to be had.

I Hate Life

 Let's face it, I'm not a fan of life. I hate it. There I said it. Does that surprise you? If it does? You don't know me that well. It's just what this life is all about. People constantly seeking other people's praise. What is going on with that? There's no reason for it. You don't need praise from other people to make yourself look or feel better. Sure it can help, but it won't last. So I hate this life.

Life needs to be better than it currently is. I know only I can make that change in my own life, like you are the only person who can make that change in your life. It is what it is. That's all there is to it. So you deal with it and move forward the best you are able to. There's no other thing keeping you from doing it, except yourself.

If I had the ability, I would simply remove myself from the equation. However there's something blocking me from doing that. There's no reason to keep that thought process going. I'm here to stay, unfortunately, so there's that.

If I could die, I would. There's nothing keeping me here really. There's nothing keeping me calm and resting, there's just nothing here for me. I keep saying that over and over again in my head, and yet here I still am. So something is keeping me here, I just don't know what it is.

Life Isn't Fair

 Life doesn't feel fair most days. I don't know how else to describe it. The anxiety rises as does the depression within me and I just don't know what to do about it. Sure I take my medication and prescribed and all of that but sometimes it just doesn't feel like it helps. I know I know, go see my doctor and see what they can do. But sometimes it doesn't feel like the doctor even listens to what I have to say and they do whatever they feel like doing.

Get another doctor you say. Easier said than done. Takes time to find a doctor and to find one who I can trust. Yeah they all have the same credentials and all of that, but someone who will take time to listen to me, that's what I need. I know my body more than they do. I'm the one hearing the voices and whatnot. Why can't they just see it for what it is.