Slump

 I feel like I'm in a slump. I can't even think of what to write about. The cursor just sits there. It's a staring match that won't end. So why not type out my thoughts. Yeah, I thought it was a good idea until I started. There are so many thoughts in my brain right now that I don't even know what to do with them all. This could end up just as a big wall of text, with nothing of substance. Yep, it could end up just like that. Who knows what the future will bring. There are so many opportunities out there. Some might be good others could be bad. Either way? They are coming. Day in and day out I come to the realization that this is my life. What more could there be to it. That's a possible question I have to figure out.

Wow a new paragraph. We're making progress.

Feeling this way is upsetting to me. I'm not sure how to articulate the sensation, but it is annoying at best. I wish I could figure out what to do with all of these thoughts and emotions that come into my mind. But I don't see any possible way to deal with them. Not yet at least. Eventually I should be able to do something with these thoughts, hopefully sooner than later.

If you could see inside my mind, the mess that has become what it is. I wonder what you would think of it. Would you be scared? Would just the idea of looking into someone else's mind scare you off? Makes you wonder doesn't it. What would you do, dear reader, what indeed.

I need to write a book. Yes, a book would be wonderful to write. But what should I write about? Ah the age-old question indeed. I'm sure I will come up with something. Anything at this point would be progress. I have an idea of what I want to write about, but I'm not sure how well it would turn out. But the idea is sound.

Love when a plan gets together. I wish more things in life would shape up and get together too. But what do I know. I'm just me. Just me and my thoughts it seems. I wonder how anyone gets anything done when they have thoughts jumbling around in their head. I know I can't concentrate very well. It would be nice to be able to figure it all out for myself.

If I ever figure things out, I'm sure I'll be the first to know.

Stressful Situation

 Stress. It's the cause of so many things. It can be caused by so many things too. I'm not sure what to think about stress, just that it's there. It exists and I have to live and deal with it. I'd rather not think about it at times. But it's always there. There's nothing I can do about it. I can try breathing exercises and whatnot, but what do they really accomplish. Nothing. It feels like I have an angry chip on my shoulder. I really don't feel angry, but it feels like it's there. Like an actual something on my shoulder. I don't know what to do about it. Why must life be so difficult lately?

Depression has gotten the better of me over the past who knows how long. I don't enjoy being depressed. But it's what I am doing at the moment. So, I go along with whatever happens to me in my life. The screaming can stop anytime now. Constant telling myself that I'm no good. No one wants me around. Why do I even exist. Those thoughts and more fill my mind. I wish they didn't cloud my mind with pointless thoughts. I don't think I can tell you about all my voices and how they attack me and make me feel bad about myself. They're always around waiting to attack. They attack me at the moments when I'm low. Like today. They're constantly beating me up. There needs to be peace and calm in my life. I don't know how to get there.

I feel so lost. I'm a nobody. Who would care about me to begin with. Just toss me aside and get it over with. Allow me to be eaten by the wolves of this life. There's no point in surviving any longer. What's the use?

The voices tell me to cut myself. I do not comply. There's no reason to comply with that demand. They can go to hell.

I can feel myself slipping away into something. I'm not sure what that something is at this time. I'll have to see where that goes. If it goes anywhere of course. Life needs to feel better. It needs to get better somehow. All of this negativity in my life isn't good for me. I do not like it one bit. It needs to go away.

Disassociation

 I've been told I disassociate as a coping mechanism with my mental illness. I'm not sure what to think about that. I mean yeah, I disassociate a lot, but if I'm doing that as a coping mechanism? That doesn't sound very good to me. I need to find a way to stop that from happening. Either I find a way to control my mental illness, or I find a way to simply shut everything down. I'm not sure what shutting everything down would look like right now.

I have a song repeating over and over in my head lately. Not sure I like the lyrics. They feel negative. Yet they feel like something I am dealing with at the moment. So, who knows what's going on with any of it. I'm not sure I understand anything at the moment. Where am I headed with all of this? You tell me. Because I haven't the slightest clue of how this life is turning out, where it's headed etc. Who really knows what's going on in life. That's the big question I need to have answered. Who can answer that for me? I don't have a clue.

It would be nice to be able to tell the difference between life and what I want life to be. I'm not sure I can do that effectively. I can tell when I'm disassociating, it's just an odd place to be. I haven't figured out a way to break out of it yet. I just sit back and let it happen. Is that the wrong approach to any of it? I don't know.

There's a lot of things I don't have a clue about. That's interesting now isn't it. I need answers. Like now. Not ten years from now, I want them yesterday. I fear that I won't be having any answers anytime soon. That scares me. I'm not sure what to do about any of it. I feel like I'm on autopilot and am just surviving at the moment. Such a weird thought process to be sitting here on autopilot. I need to find a way out of whatever this is.

If I have to die to make everything make sense, then maybe that's the answer. I won't take my own life though. God has to take it from me. He's the one in charge, so He has to take my life. Does that make sense? I sure hope it makes sense because I'm not certain how else it would happen. I'll take Death Ideation over Suicidal Ideation any day.

It feels like there are so many questions I want answered. Too many questions. I'm not a fan.

Maybe Life Isn't Worth It

 Life can be so frustrating at times. Maybe it's just not worth going through the motions of anything anymore. Can I call it a day already? My mind is so messed up right now. I don't know what to do with any of it. It would feel much better if I could check out for a day or two. I don't know what else to do. Just allow me to check out seems nice. If I could allow that, and be able to come back, I think I would be okay. Sure, it's disassociation and I probably should avoid such a thing, but it feels like it needs to happen. I'm used to it, so why not.

I hate my life. I don't see how no one can see it. Am I keeping it deep inside far too long? I don't know.

Had some crazy ass nightmares last night. I dreamed I was in a mental hospital, but they were abusing the patients. It was like a warzone. I didn't like that nightmare at all. I would wake up and slip right back into the nightmare, it would continue where I left off. It was very disturbing to say the least.

Life feels kind of stressful at the moment. I hate it. I wish it all would end. However, that needs to be done. It just needs to happen. I'm sure I'll figure things out eventually. They can't always be bothering me. I hope they can't always be bothering me. It's something to consider. Something to think about maybe.

Until then I'll just keep writing whatever pops into my head and I'll have to deal with it. I hope I can keep reality separate from whatever my mind makes up. My therapist says I use disassociation as a coping mechanism. I'm sure that doesn't sound good in any way it's framed. Man, I feel so stressed. I feel like I have no one to talk to. It's annoying.

What is it about death that freaks everyone out? If someone wants to go, why can't they just go. No questions asked. I don't understand why this just can't be a thing. When it's your time to go, it's time to go.

Life Is Weird

 I've decided that life is weird. There's nothing wrong with weird, there just isn't anything good with it. I wish I could understand why I feel this way. I'm not sure why I have the desire to live most days. I need to figure out what to do with life. There is so much to figure out. I don't have a clue where to start. Gah, there's got to be something.

There should be a way to figure out this life. I mean everyone goes through a phase like this don't they? You have to figure out life and how it goes at some point in your life. Why haven't I been able to figure it out yet?

Maybe life could figure itself out for me? Is that a thing? I'm not quite certain how it works. Not now at least. There needs to be something I am able to do about it. Anything at all. But it doesn't feel like I am able to do anything right now.

Crying

 Crying does no good in situations like this. My emotions are out of control at the moment. I'm not sure I can handle these emotions. It would be nice to be able to understand what it is I'm feeling. I'm sure it will eventually get better right? Everything tends to get better with time. Isn't there a phrase about time healing old wounds, or something like that? Yeah, that phrase. You know the one I'm talking about.

I wish I knew what to do about all of these feelings. They're overwhelming to me. Emotions are difficult to get through at times. I don't want to feel these emotions. But I guess I must for the time being. They're just so difficult to get past.

This life is difficult. There's not much else to say about it. It's just hard to live some days. Living a life you don't want to be in isn't the best way to be. I wish I could focus and knock it out. But carry on I must. Life isn't going to give me a rest; it certainly won't allow me to pause even for a minute. I need to be able to calm down. Before my depression gets the better of me.

Feels like I'm going around in circles. I'm just trying to make something out of it all. It's got to make sense in order for me to move on. It doesn't make sense. That's a problem. A rather large problem that I want to clear up as quickly as possible.

Fear of the future runs deep. It's nothing I enjoy. It would be nice if I could step out of the fear and keep it away. I'm not quite sure how to do that though. It's just something I don't know what to do. Maybe I'll learn, then again maybe I won't.

Is It Really Over?

 Ever come across something in your life and you wonder if it's really over? That's the dilemma I'm facing right now. Is it over. Is it really over. Like really this time. In the past it never lasted beyond a month, but I feel like this time it's for real. I feel crushed. Actually, I don't know how to feel. Something I thought would last forever and a day, and it's over in a sentence. It doesn't make any sense, and I don't know what to do about it. Man, life is hard. Why does it have to be this difficult? It was so calmly explained and calmly accepted. Like I knew it was the right decision, but it hurts.

They won't have to worry about me ever again. No one should have to worry about me ever again. I feel broken. Something inside me is telling me I'm worthless. No one cares, nor should they have a care in the world about me. I make life difficult for others. I deserve it. Why should I reason otherwise? Nothing matters anymore. I'm being thrown away into the trash. I can't look back after this. There's nothing to look back to. It's over.

Who cares. Do you care? Why should you. There's no reason to care. Not anymore.

Life came to me one day
it told me of great things to come
and came they did
but they only lasted a second

Why would life do this
I wondered to myself
listening to my own thoughts
and wondering how it would affect my life

It made me a mess
I would cry in the night
but no one was there to listen
and life was nowhere to be found

I thought this was the one
to be with me through thick and thin
maybe I was wrong
and life just ends

Do you ever have a time in your life where you think something is going to last, and yet it doesn't? It would be nice to be able to pick up the pieces of my life, but I don't know how to do that. How does one pick up the pieces of their life and put them back together when there's a big gaping hole in the puzzle. I don't understand how that is accomplished. So many questions and decisions to be made. Do they all have to be made at once? That's overwhelming to me.

Life screams at me sometimes. It has this ability to make me uncomfortable. I do not understand what's going on at times. I am not a fan. I need to be somewhere where I belong. Is that too much to ask for?

Done With Life

 I feel so done with this life. It's been a good run, but when it's your time; it's your time. The bad thing is I know I wouldn't even be able to do it if I wanted to. So that's nothing to be worried about. I can only hope it will happen naturally. There's no point in any of it I guess. What is the point of any of this life? That's what I want to know. Other people seem to get it, why can't I?

Depression comes with its flaws. That much is certain. Do I have to die to understand it all? Do I have to die to grasp the concept of love? If that's what it takes, I don't want any of it. That's just what this life gets out of me. A whole lot of nothing. And why should it get anything from me at all. It doesn't matter. Nothing matters anymore. These feelings are real, I know that much to be true. I hate it, I hate it so much I want to burst out crying. But that won't do any good for me or anyone else around me. So, I bottle the emotions up inside. There's no reason for any of it to work out.

Death by God's hand or suicide. They both get you where you want to be going. But only one is actually looked favorably upon. Like it's okay to die by God's hand. But if you choose to die by your own hand? Nah, people look down on you. Hell, God might even look down on you. Who's to say which one is better than the other. If a person chooses to go, why can't they just be let go from this life and that's it? I wish it were that simple.

The simple matter of it all is I want to die. It's that cut and dry. I don't care what other people would think about me if I died. That doesn't matter to me. Will they be sad? Some will. Some might even be happy. But I don't care what they think. It would bring about so much peace to me. I wouldn't have to deal with these constant thoughts anymore. The voices would be gone. The disassociation would be gone. There's so much that would be gone. I feel like I would gain so much from being dead.

But unfortunately that decision is not in my hands. It's in God's. He has to take me from this life. So whenever He feels like He's ready to take me. That will be the right time for it all to happen. I can't do anything about it. Yeah, it's that deep.

The truth hurts. It hurts to find out that you're just not wanted anymore. It sucks big time. I don't know how best to handle this information. My mind is racing, and I just don't have a clue to go about it. I understand the reasoning behind it, I really do. I get it. Doesn't mean it'll get better because of it though. Life is just crazy and hurtful at the same time. I hate it. But what can I do about it? Nothing. I have to sit back and let life do whatever it has to do. Which sucks.

People leave. It's just a fact. They don't stick around. Why would they? I mean look at what they have to work with. I try my best and it doesn't do a damn thing. Why would it? Doesn't make much sense does it. No, I didn't think it did. So here I am waiting for the other shoe to drop. If that shoe does drop, I have nothing to look forward to. I'll be so lost. So alone. Frozen in time without a plan to do anything.

I need to snap out of this train of thought. But there's no one out there to help me. That's what it feels like. I don't like that feeling. It disturbs me to the core. Like I don't have a voice to scream out. But what can I do about it? There's just not much to be done. I'm lost without any kind of control. I need to feel control in my life. Is that too much to ask? For simple control. I'm not asking to control someone else's life or decisions, I'm just asking to control my own.

Everything just came at me so fast. I feel like I can't breathe. If I'm meant to feel pain, it's working. I don't understand what's going on with this life right now. I don't get it. Is that clear enough? Everything feels like it's crashing down around me. I wish there was something I could do to fix it. But I can't. I feel trapped without an exit strategy in place. I don't know what to do about any of this and it scares me.

Is that all there is to this life? Being scared and cornered? If that's the case, yeah, I want out. That's no life to live for me. There has to be something better than this existence. Anything better than this existence would be nice. Would be better in fact. But here I am worrying about everything there is to worry about, and I don't have a clue why that is.

If I could figure out this life, I don't think I would have a problem with it. But the thing is I can't seem to figure out life at the moment. It just would be a nice to have. I doubt it would ever happen quickly for me. There could be a situation where something might happen, but I highly doubt it. That's all there is to it.

I want to figure this out. It's mind numbing at the moment. Not being able to talk to anyone about it is a problem. Not even my closest of friends can I speak to this about. It would be nice to be able to just vent to someone. But I don't see that happening anytime soon. That's what I get for not having friends.

No, I don't live in my mother's basement. haha I know you were going there. It's not going to be that simple. Not now, not ever. That's just life for me at the moment. What a silly life this is. It comes and goes and comes again without you knowing it. I wish I had the ability to figure out something, but that seems to avoid my grasp somehow. I'm not sure why that is.

My brain feels so unhelpful at the moment. So many thoughts running around and yet I feel numb. Numb to the situation at hand, numb to myself. Just numb. No explaination to any of it. There's no coming back from this. Yes that realization just hit. There really is no coming back, once it's done, it's done.

This numb feeling has to go away sometime, doesn't it? It doesn't feel real yet. I'm sure once the ball gets rolling things will be moving fast and I'll feel something. Let's hope I don't go into a depression downfall again. That's the worst kind of downfall for me. I swear it happens more times than I want it to, which isn't good.

All I'm doing is existing right now. There's not much else that's happening for me. It would be nice to be able to figure this out. Somewhere in this lifetime it would be nice to be able to just figure out everything that I want to figure out. Gah that sounds like a word salad. Everything tossed in at once and it doesn't make sense.

I'm not making sense. I realize this now. What's the use of making sense if all I'm going to do is scramble around inside my head all day. I wish I could make sense today. But my brain won't allow me to. It feels like I'm not even here at the moment.

Sadness seeps in. My life is before me. The things in the past are gone; they serve only as a memory of what was there. Once lived, yet no longer living for me. Everything else can go by without making me think. Stolen moments waiting for something to happen. Those moments are stolen from my own mind. But how can that be possible, unless I allow them to be taken from me. Who cares if I'm making sense to anyone else but me at the moment. It would be nice to be taken out of the equation. I don't think that will be possible this time. Life will continue the way it has continued for many hundreds of thousand of years before I was even thought of.

A belief in something that's not there is not a thing I want to discuss. On the other hand, it's something that probably needs to be thought about. If it's not there, what was there to begin with. What thought was replaced in the first place? There had to be a thought sitting there waiting to be taken up. But I'm not so certain about any of that. It would be nice to be able to figure things out.

I want answers! I want to understand everything that is going on. I don't want it to get buried with my thoughts. It needs to stand out, it needs to behave and learn to be good in my brain. If that doesn't happen, then I don't know what will be the case.

I'm so done with this life. There doesn't seem to be anything worth going through anymore. I don't have a plan; there's no point in having a plan. I would be scared to death if I had a plan in place and was determined to go through with that plan. That would be freaky.

Perhaps this life isn't meant to make sense to us lowly humans. Is that possible? I think it could be. We are just meant to live out our lives and not worry about anything that happens. We just live life, that's all that's expected of us. Is living life to our best ability good enough? I don't know.

In order to understand my place in the universe, I think I need to be able to just stop my brain from overthinking. It needs to slow down and be able to actually have a thought process where it can find out where it belongs. Where I belong. I do not know where I belong at the moment.

Dropping

 I feel like I'm dropping lately. Falling into an endless sea where I'm being swept away by currents I don't understand. So many thoughts going through my head. I can't articulate them all. That's how bad it is in there right now. I wish I had a way to simply ignore these thoughts and get over them. But I don't think there's anything I am able to do about it. I wish I could, trust me. I can't though. Something about all of this feels wrong. I shouldn't be flailing my arms about trying to float. I should be floating peacefully knowing where I'm going. But it doesn't feel like that.

Can't Catch A Break

 I feel like I can't catch a break. I don't know what that would even look like right now. I'm so stressed and have some anger within me that I don't know what to do. I can't even talk about it. Which makes all of this more difficult. I do not like being in this position. I'm depending on one answer, and I hope that answer is yes. I'm just lost at what to do. It sucks. I wish there was some other answer for it all, but the answer I've come to ... or have to accept is the right answer. Did I mention it sucks? Well it does!

I need to find something else to think about for a minute. Maybe I can calm down after that.

Somedays You Have To Wonder

 There are many things in this life that really don't make any sense, and you have to wonder about it. I come across days where I know nothing is making sense. I wonder why that is. Why is it happening to me. What can I do about it to make it better. Those are the types of questions that pop into my head. But it's not enough to just think about them. It's quite more important than that. You have to actually take action and do something about them. You can't just let them sit there wondering all their life if they matter. Joking aside, you have to do something, so they don't take over your thoughts and emotions.

Emotions can carry a lot of weight in your mind. More than you'd like I wager. Thoughts can do that too. Too many thoughts and you're stuck there for a while trying to sort through them, as you drown. Drowning doesn't feel or sound like a good idea does it. No, I didn't think so.

Trying to figure out my own emotions are annoying at times. Disassociation comes along and I haven't a clue what I'm doing, where I'm at, or how to get out of it. It's a real thing that I have to deal with. Some days I wish I could just close my eyes and make it all go away. Wouldn't that be nice. Make it all just go away with the blink of an eye. Life doesn't happen that way though. It comes at you in waves, waiting for you to come crashing down with it.

I wouldn't be the one to say life is against you. On the contrary, it is rooting for you. Life wants you to succeed. There's nothing wrong with that. Succeeding in life is what most people want out of this existence. That's quite commendable to seek after.

What kind of crisis is this?

There are times where you feel like you're going through a crisis. You don't know what is going on exactly, just that there's something wrong and you're going through it. Are you simply going through the motions, or is it more? I wager it's more than just going through the motions of life. There can always be something much more than that. It sucks. Life isn't meant to be jerking you around like this. I bet it's not even life doing it. Some other emotion is causing you to act like this. Some outside force is making all of this happen. It needs to be made known either to your inner thoughts, or your other thoughts. Either way it just needs to be made known.

To say there's more to this life than what there currently is, is saying something big. There's always something more than eye level. You have to look deeper to see what all there is about this life that's going on. Without that, you aren't able to see the trees in the forest.

Yeah, I might have gotten that last phrase wrong. I think it's meant to point out that you don't see the bigger picture. But what if you see the bigger picture and you need to see the smaller picture instead. Yeah, I think that suits it quite well. There's nothing wrong with that line of thinking. I mean I thought it up so of course there's nothing wrong with it.

Sometimes this life is overwhelming. The voices get too dark; the internal thoughts get too violent. Is there no relief to any of this? I often wonder that. There has to be something I can do to get over it all. Or get through it all. One of these days I'll figure out which is best for me. But that's not today I don't think. There's just too much going on. When there's too much going on, there doesn't feel like there's enough and more can be piled on. No seriously, that's how I feel at times. Then it gets piled on and I wish I hadn't of said that. Because too much is always too much.

Damn life.

This life can just get rid of itself at times. The thoughts that enter my mind, they're too much. I know I didn't put them there. I'm not even sure who put them there to begin with. If it was me, and that's a big if, then I'm to blame. But if it wasn't me? Someone has a lot to explain to me. Talk about annoying.

I wish I could go a day without these thoughts in my mind, these voices in my head. The other things that are wrong with me can go away too. There's not much else going on here. It all just needs to leave me alone. I don't like it; I didn't invite it to be with me. Yet here it is, alive and well doing its thing. The key to remember is that everything is going to be fine in the end. If it's not the end? It's okay for it not to be fine yet. Life has a way of just working through us and making itself known.

That's really all there is to it.

Multiple Personality Disorder?

 Whatever it's called...do I have it? Is it possible that I have multiple personalities running around in my head? That's kind of a scary thought. There would be a kid for sure and then me. Does one personality constitute a multiple personality? I don't know. I'm not sure I want to figure that out either. But if the psych tells me I have it, then I'll have to go along with it. I'm not looking for something to allow this other personality to unleash its terror upon the world. No one needs that. I thought I was just making up songs, not acting like a little kid. But who knows.

Why Do We Exist?

 Ever wonder why we, as a people, exist? Surely there are other species out there, aliens if you will, that deserve to exist more than we do. Do I believe in aliens? You bet I do. I believe there are other people out there on other planets. They don't look like little green or grey men. They look like us. Living their own lives and doing whatever it is they need to be doing. I mean come on; we can't be the only people in the universe. Space is too vast of a place for that to be the case. It's an unending place where there really is no end in sight. It goes on forever. I can't comprehend that, because we are taught everything has a beginning and an end. But space is much different.

Yet the question remains. Why do we exist? It makes no sense to me. Whoever made us all had a plan in mind for sure. But there must have been a reason for us to be here. To suffer things in this life and see if we can make it through life. It doesn't make sense somedays. Why would a loving God want to see his children suffer? I'd like to think that wasn't His or Her purpose in creating us. They don't want us to suffer; it's just a byproduct of living on a planet with dangerous surroundings. That's got to be it.

I have been given reasons before of why we're here. "To be tested." That's all I was told. Things change though. Answers like that change into something more complex. Does that complex answer make sense? I'm not sure. It's just a manner of thinking. Internally, externally, something along those lines. Personally, I hate it. Both the easy and complex ideas make my head hurt.

I'd rather not think about why we are here. I just want to live life and see what all is out there. There's always something to explore in this life. No matter where I go, there's something to explore.

Got out this morning for a walk. That was good. The sun was barely coming up and it was just nice. I didn't walk for very long, mostly just down to the end of the road and back. But it was worth it. Maybe that's why I exist, to experience something out there that's nice and warm. I don't know.

There are so many things unknown in this life. It can drive one mad. Crazy even. But what more do you want from it all? Don't you have enough to get by? Isn't that enough? Yeah...talk about an interesting thought process to actually have going on. I hate it.

So many things I hate about this life. I can't seem to categorize them in my mind. The music plays. Never ending, always playing going around like a record player. Constantly going around in my mind without a warning sign of stopping. It becomes annoying at some point in life. At what point that happens is up in the air. No one knows exactly the timing of it all.

I seem to have gotten off onto a tangent. I apologize. But we are here now and that is where we are going. Talk about a crazy bit of knowledge to have made known.

Maybe we are all crazy and mad and we just don't recognize it because that's how life has been for all of us. There are no normal people around. What's considered normal is just made up in someone's mind and it became the consensus about it all. Now that is an odd thought for a moment to have, isn't it.

status

 Welp yesterday felt like a bust. But I was able to get help by calling into my therapist's office. I thought about calling 988, but I've heard some funky things about that. So, I didn't call them. The people were very friendly and helpful. It was like having a therapy appointment without having an official therapy appointment.

After the intake lady took my info, she asked if I needed to continue talking with a therapist. I said yes, and she switched me over to someone else and we talked for a bit.

So yeah, yesterday was nuts.

Do You Have A Plan?

 Usually when you ask someone if they have a plan, you're referencing their mental health. You're asking if they have a plan to harm themselves or others.

I was once asked if I had a plan in place. I said no. They asked me why not. I was confused; I asked them why would I have a plan to hurt myself? They meant a plan to get help. That simple change of thought made much more sense. I answered that I did. I didn't like being confused for a second, that felt weird.

Dates

So I ate some dates. You heard me right, dates. I didn't enjoy the texture of them. I have this thing with textures. If I don't enjoy them, then I typically don't eat them. It's a funny quirk of mine. Pears also have a rather nasty texture to me. Reminds me of sandpaper. I don't know why I'm like this. I just don't enjoy certain types of foods. Add dates to the list. 

Depression

 I'm facing a bout of depression lately. It's been going on for about a week now. I only hope I will be able to get over this and move on with life. Depression isn't fun. It's the day in day out of feeling worthless, useless, hopeless. And a majority of other things. I wish I knew how to just kick it, but I don't. I only know how to do my best and push through it. Use my tools I have ready and go forth with that. I'd rather not talk about what brought me down into this depressive state. It's not something I am comfortable with. So, I won't be touching on it.

If I had the ability, I would just fix my mental health and not visit depression ever again. But I don't think it's that easy. But a guy can dream, can't he? Yeah, that's what I was thinking. Just hoping for a better life is all I can do. I can work my way through all of it and just hope for the best.

This life isn't easy. Nothing is ever easy when it comes to life. That's just how the tic tac tumbles. (Or whatever phrase you prefer of course.) So many things I wish for. Yet I cannot do anything about it. Not now at least. For now, I can only focus on that which plagues me at the current moment.

Be well.

I Miss Things

 I miss not having to look over my shoulder for fear of demons coming to possess me. I miss not hearing voices. I miss not waking up in a cold sweat some nights over nothing. I miss not being afraid to just live my life. There are so many things that I miss. The list could go on for a bit longer. But this will suffice for now.

What the hell is my mind thinking?

There are times inappropriate phrases come into my mind, and I have to force them out. They are childish and aren't important to the situation at the time. It's annoying, it really is. If I said them? The person would be offended, and I would have egg on my face for saying it. I would like for once to just not have these thoughts interfere with my normal thinking. Is that too much to ask for? I guess it is.

Is it my mind trying to protect me? I don't know. I wish I did know what was going on, but I don't have a clue. It would be nice to be able to stop thinking for a day. But I'm not sure how that would work out. Everyone has to think during the day, they have to be able to do their jobs and whatnot. There doesn't seem to be much else going on though. All the thinking must lead to somewhere.

But what if it doesn't? Ah, see what's happening? I'm second guessing myself. There's no way around it. I provide an argument; my thoughts provide a counter argument. It's always like that. There's nothing I can do about it. At least I don't think there's anything I can do about it. It's too early to tell really.

I have to remind myself what sitting I am in. I cannot do anything about it. I cannot be offending people. That would be a bad choice to go down. A rabbit hole for sure. Talk about annoying.

Is there a tomorrow? Like, is there actually a tomorrow I have to look forward to? Or is this it. If this is it then I've got to make the best of it. I have to live life out with a bang you know. But if there is a tomorrow, then I don't have to do anything and I can just live life to whatever it's meant to be. My day-to-day life will continue and I will be fine. Funny how the mind works when it comes to death. Not knowing what will happen the next day while you're not focusing on the day at hand. It feels crazy at times. Do I have to act like there's a tomorrow? What about a no tomorrow. What's the point of it all, I don't quite understand any of it. Who's to say what the rules are in this life. Is it God? Is it the other guy? Who's to say.

I'm not sure I'll ever grasp onto whatever it is I am meant to grasp onto. This life is just too much for me to be able to keep up with any of it. I don't know what I'm talking about obviously. It's just life. There's nothing more to it, is there? I know people want you to believe there's a God and a heaven above and a hell down below and all of that. But what if there isn't? What if this life is all we've got? What then. What are you meant to do with that knowledge. So many things to be taken care of, and I'm not sure I am able to take care of any of it.

Maybe it's all a ruse to get people to fear the end of their lives. Is that possible. That it's all fake and none of it is real just so people are scared. A fear tactic can go a long way. Why would anyone want to follow that path though, it feels stupid. Agency is quite a drug if you know what you're looking for. Have to keep on moving forward, whichever that direction is. There's no turning back once you've made a decision. You have to stick with it.

Sometimes you have to take a step back and look around at all your options. How many different directions can you go at this point. Where do they all lead. Are there any that will take you to the place you want to be. Or are they all dead ends. I'm not sure I have all the answers required for such a task. It's not like I am able to figure out what to do with any of it. Just that this life has many mysterious ways about it and I am here wondering what is up with all of those different aspects. Maybe that's the catch. There's no way out of this life; there's nothing on the other side. It all is just a blank wall that you run into. You have no freedom when this life is over. There's nothing else to look forward to. What if that's how it all ends? Now that's an interesting idea.

Who has the answers to all of these questions? People say religion has the answers. Yet there are so many different religions out there. There's one religion that professes to have all the answers. Nothing more. Nothing less. Yet how can they be trusted. Just look at their shady history. It's enough to make a person question what is going on with that religion.

But I would rather not talk about religion. It gets me anxious when that topic is brought up. I was raised in a religion, and I do not know what to do with it now that I have moved on with my life. There's no point in thinking about such things. Nothing to think about makes me happier than having my brain flooded with thoughts.

I sit here holding my head in pain wondering how this life is meant to turn out. What opportunities did I miss out on when I was younger. What opportunities will I miss out when I get older. What is this life all about. Too many questions that I don't know what to do with them all. They occupy my thoughts, and I just have to sit back and breathe hoping for a better solution to it all.

My meds are taken, the day has begun. What more do you want from me dear world. What more am I able to give you than what you have taken already from me. Life and death don't come about every day for the same person. That's not how this life works out. It would be nice to be able to just figure out what is going on in the world. Yet I don't think I can. It becomes too confusing and annoying for me to be able to figure that all out.

Maybe this life can be seen as a challenge instead of anything else. I'm not quite sure how to word it. It's just something we all have to deal with. If that's the case, then there is a lot to be answered for. A lot to deal with and a lot to comprehend. I'd rather not think about it, but I really don't think there's a way around any of it. This life manages to get in your way. There's nothing I am able to do about it. My mind gets so flooded with thoughts that I don't know where to think first. If that's all there is to this life, then I want out.

I have a bracelet that says, "God is big enough." If that's the case, why does He allow people to die. Loved ones, people you care about. Things of that nature. You would think God would want you to be able to be with your loved ones for the longest time possible. But I guess He has a timetable for all of that. The only problem is He doesn't let us in on how that timetable works out. Some people are taken too late in life; others are taken too soon. I'm sure it's a balancing act of some sort.

I think I would like to check out sooner than later. But I'm not the one in control over that am I. No, I didn't think so. It's not fair. My dad got to go, why can't I go too? Wouldn't it be better if I were with him? I think it would be better. But who am I to say? I am just a person with my own thoughts that don't get taken into account.

I guess all I'm trying to say is, when is it my turn.

Sleep Feels Overrated

 Yep sleep. It feels like it's overrated. I mean you go to bed and sleep for hopefully eight hours. Sometimes you end up sleeping more, sometimes it's less. You dream while you sleep, but not all the time. It's just life I suppose. I mean what else are you meant to do while you sleep? You can't be productive while you sleep. It feels like wasted time to me somedays.

Then there are alarm clocks. They're meant to wake you up. Because your body doesn't like to just wake up on its own, I suppose. I don't know. There are a lot of different tones to wake up to on my phone. I go for the classic, that one seems to work for me. Lately I've been waking up at five am or around that time. I haven't needed my alarm clock. Kinda funny how that works out. I don't mind it, I guess my body is just done sleeping and is like, okay time to wake up!

If we could do something while we sleep, instead of just dreaming, I think it would be beneficial. I get it; our bodies need rest from the long day we put them through. So it doesn't really work out I suppose.

Yeah, maybe sleep just isn't for me. Being a zombie while awake is good enough, I think.

Sleep is overrated.

Leaving Life

 It's been established that I would rather die than live. It's that simple. Death Ideation is what I have. I know someday I will die, God will have to be the one to take me out of this life, because I refuse to do it myself. Suicide isn't an option for me. At one point in time, I thought it was the ideal way of leaving this life. Almost did it once but got nowhere with it. So, it's off the table. It's a terrible story that I don't tell very often, and I don't wish to tell you. So, you won't be able to read about it. God brought me into this life; God will take me out of this life.

What if there isn't a god? I mean that's quite possible. We could be believing in some nonexistent entity. A deity that doesn't exist. Now there's an interesting thought. If that's the case, who are we worshiping on Sunday? Who is it we pray to? If there's no god, then all of that is meaningless. Useless as it were. Huh, that's an interesting thought.

That line of thinking makes my stomach turn. I'd rather believe there is someone watching over us. Someone we worship and pray to. Someone who cares about our day to day lives. They don't typically respond back in the manner you would like them to. Sometimes it's a feeling. A prompting as it were. Other times it's something else. But the important part is someone is there. You are never alone.

Religion isn't high on my priority list at the moment. I'm not sure why that is. It's just a thing that happens, I guess. It would be nice if I could pick up a religion and move forward with it. I'm not saying it's out of bounds and not a possibility. It will take time to find one I can be comfortable with. Being raised Mormon, I have a difficult time choosing another religion to call my own.

Death will come for me. It is inevitable. There can be no substitute for it. It will come and when it does, I will rejoice for my time on this Earth will be over with. I won't have to suffer any longer. It will feel good to be done with this place. Some of the Earthly stressors will be gone. Worry, doubt, fear...all of those things will be a thing of the past. Even though they are currently on my mind right now, they will be eventually gone for good. I look forward to that day. I look forward to death. Again, I will not make that day come closer quicker for me than it's supposed to happen. That is a no go.

So, I will wait and see what happens with this life. How absurd can it get for me. How crazy will I get from it. So many questions I have to ask, yet no one to answer them. I suppose that will just have to do for me. If I'm unable to figure things out here, maybe in the next life I will have the time to explore and learn whatever it is that eludes me down here on Earth. There's a thought.

I can live with it.

Ice Cream For All

 Sometimes you have to get some ice cream and just eat it. Whether it's out of the tub or on a cone, or even in a bowl; you have got to get some ice cream. It's like an unwritten law that must be followed. Ice Cream is wonderful and delicious to me. It's not something I always eat, but when I do oh man is it good.

Going Crazy

 Ever feel like you're going crazy? There are days where I feel like I'm losing it. I don't know how to deal with all of this. It'll be okay, I know it'll be okay, but I don't quite understand how it will be okay. So that's that, I guess. There needs to be a way to figure out whatever happens in this life. Is it all meant to be good or bad? Is that all there is? A black and white kind of situation, I guess. I don't know. So many things would be nice to be able to just figure out.

Not Everyone Cares

 There's this thing about life. Not everyone cares about you. It's quite simple. If everyone cared about everyone, nothing would ever get done. So there has to be people who don't care about you. It's nothing personal, they just don't know you. Or they don't know you...yet. Is it possible that they might eventually care about you once they get to know you? Yes, I would say it's quite possible. But how will they get to know you if you don't do something about it? Now we're talking.

Sometimes you have to take the good with the bad. The things that matter most in your life verses those things you loathe. You get the picture. Not everything in this life is made to make sense. I think I've talked about that before. Possibly in my last blog post. But that doesn't stop you from caring about people. You obviously cannot care about everyone, that's been established. But you can choose who you care about. That should be sufficient.

Why This Life?

 I often wonder about things like, why this life? What I mean is, why am I living this life? It doesn't make sense at times. I wish it did, but well it doesn't. So, I sit here waiting for something to come along to make sense in my life. It would be nice to be able to simply understand it all. I need to ask questions to make some things make sense to me. If I don't have an understanding, no matter how basic it is, then I won't get anywhere.

Life comes with its own problems of course. Some of those problems can be overwhelming. While others can be easy to grasp and deal with. I prefer the easy to grasp and deal with most days, but when the hard ones come along, I have to deal with them too. It would be nice if I could just grab hold of everything at once and solve the mystery that is me. But I know that's not how it works.

Living this way is tiresome. I need to find a different way to live, that's all. Sounds easy right? I suppose it's easy on paper (or computer screen), but it's not easy when I try to make it happen. That's really all there is to it, I think. Something that makes me, me. I wonder what that something is. I'm not defined by my mental illness that much is true. I am a person who deserves to be taken for who I am. Nothing more nothing less. I am a person. Don't take that away from me.

It would be interesting to be able to simply snap my fingers and wish for something to happen. That doesn't work though, I've tried it. Sometimes the worst enemy is me. I don't quite understand how I am my own enemy, but it's the truth. It happens and I have to deal with it. Somedays I am able to just shrug it all off, let it go as it were. Other days are not that easy. I am forced to deal with whatever I have going on in my head. Talk about a crazy time to be alive. Who knew the 20s would be like this.

It's odd to call the two thousand twenties the 20s. Because there were the roaring twenties in 1920, but now we have the twenties again. Just a little fluke I like to think about from time to time. It doesn't make this time any different than the time that was before. People still have struggles and lives that don't fully make sense. It would be nice if everything made sense. I don't know how to have it all make sense though. Is there a special way to do that? There's got to be something I can do to make it all come together.

Overthinking. It's a rare gift that doesn't matter most days. But somedays I tend to overthink a little too much and that causes me grief. Even now I am overthinking about what to type out in this blog entry. I wish I could just allow it to flow and whatever comes out of my head ends up on the screen. Maybe that's what I'm doing right now and I don't realize it? It's possible.

In the end, what really matters? That's the question I want answered right now. What matters most in life to have it go this way. Is that too hard of a question to answer? I'm not sure. I do know it could be more complicated and all of that. But for now, that is the question that will occupy my mind. Sounds like fun doesn't it. Well, I'll tell you it isn't fun at all.

What more can I do in this life to make it more fulfilling. I wonder about that too. I think I'm too occupied with the thoughts of making life better that I don't take the time to actually make it better. Does that make sense?

Some things in this life just aren't meant to make sense I suppose. It's a shame to be honest. You want everything to make sense, but there are just some things that don't. That's just how this life turns out. What a bummer.

Dizzy

 Ever have a dizzy spell? I've been having them lately. I don't know what it's from. I don't have a clue where it's headed. I hate it. I don't feel like me anymore. I feel like someone else. I'm not sure I understand it. I wish I did, but well I don't. So I just have to keep my head low and try and survive or something along that line. If I don't? Then I'll end up crazy. At least that's what I fear, I'll end up crazy and no one will want me around. If that makes any sense. I'm sure it does to someone out there, but to me it makes no sense at all.

Life has this way of messing with you. You don't know what's going on when it does mess with you, so you don't want to mess with it back. It's an odd position to be in. I don't quite understand it myself. There are so many things I don't quite understand and I'm just sitting here wondering what else can go wrong with life.

I started watching Charmed again. It's such a great show. Who knew witches could be nice and not have warts. At least these witches don't. So that's a good thing.

I wish I had an idea or a clue of what to do with life. It feels like it's all crashing down around me, and I don't know what to do about it. There needs to be something I am able to do that will cause life to become easier. But do I want easier? I do like a challenge at times. Well life is giving me a challenge and it's kicking my ass. At least that's what it feels like at times.

Silly things like that occupy my thoughts. Am I going to die today? Tomorrow? When will that great day happen and how will it occur. Yes, I even think about my own death. Sometimes I wonder if I think about death a little too much. Almost wishing it would happen already and see what happens. But I don't think there's a way to just stop thinking about something. It would be nice if it would just cease to be a thing. I don't think that will happen anytime soon though.

This life can be amusing at times. More amusing than usual I suppose. It would be nice to be able to understand everything that is going on in my life. To be able to comprehend it all at once. Looking back and forward as I please. Almost like having a crystal ball I suppose. But those aren't real, and they don't work if they do exist. No one can tell you your future. There's nothing that can happen that way.

Maybe this life just gets in the way at times. Is that possible? I don't even know what's possible anymore. Sometimes I wonder what's real. If life isn't real, then what is it? Is it a Matrix type setting? Is it some dude just chilling willing everything to come about for each of us? What is this life. I wish I knew.

I Feel Sick

 Ever have a day where you wake up and you just feel sick to your stomach? Yeah, that's what's happened today. It's Friday for heaven's sake! I'm supposed to be feeling great and all of that. But nope! I get to feel miserable. Complete with headache. I think it's a head cold to be honest. But we'll see how I end up feeling tonight. It's not fun that much is for certain. Being sick just sucks.

Death Ideation

 My therapist says I have death ideation. That is wishing I were dead, but some other force has to take me out. Be it God, a car accident something like that. It makes sense to me. It's not suicidal ideation that's for sure. I have no plan on taking my life. Which is a good thing. Just whenever it's my time to go it'll be that time to go you know? Yeah, something like that.

Aside from that life is going alright. I can't complain. I mean I could complain, but what would be the point of any of that? Yeah, scratch that. What I meant to say is people can always complain about something in their life, but there doesn't seem to be a reason for any of it. So why bother with complaining if you can't do anything about it? Exactly.

Time to let things go that need letting go of. Fears, side quests, those kinds of things. If you know what you want up front, you'll never have to worry about what's coming. Things will come your way, but that doesn't mean you won't have the ability to figure things out as they come at you. Life will simply become interesting is all. Interesting I can deal with, I think. Maybe. Who knows.

Needing to be part of a team is always a concern. I never know what to think about when life brings across lemons to me, I wish I had the ability to figure out what was going on in all of those different aspects of my life, but I doubt I will ever get a chance to see all that is out there. Unless I find a way to push myself. Yes, pushing myself would be a good thing for sure. Find a way to achieve your goals. That should be my new motto. Mottos are so interesting, I think. They are so amazing to have actually. I need to come up with my own motto. Go forth and be bold? Maybe? Nah, I need to think of something good for sure.

What is this life exactly? What comes and goes is nothing but a miracle somedays. You honestly never know what's going to happen in this life. It's linear. A dozen things could happen, and you're stuck in the middle of it. It's going to happen regardless of the final outcome. It's a steppingstone that will take you there. That's the key part to remember of it all, it's not the final destination. It's a step in the right (or wrong) direction that will get you to that destination. The destination is never in question; it's the markers we leave along the way that matter most.

Lucky

 Sometimes a person is lucky, but not for the reasons you typically believe they are lucky for. I personally don't know what those typical reasons are, so I won't get into that.

Wheels on cars can fall off if not secured correctly. It can get scary when you're driving 80 mph on the freeway. If your wheel were to fall off during that? Who knows what kind of damage you'd end up being in. A car crash would be a for sure thing.

Luckily that didn't happen, it happened on a side street. So, no harm there. Yet still kind of irritated at the people who put the wheel on. They should have put the right Lugnuts on it, and made sure it was drivable before giving the car back.

Lesson learned.

A Day In The Life

 Ever wonder what happens in the day in the life of someone you know? I mean they have to go through whatever things they have to do, and they do it. You wonder how they end up doing it so gracefully. But there's no indication that they actually did anything. It's a thing, don't worry about it. Sometimes people simply just go about their day and do things. How is this possible? I do wonder at times. But there's nothing out there that can explain it to me, I don't think.

Life comes and goes. There's a lot going on in the world. Lots of people having a lot of experiences each unique to them. There's no one that knows everything about everyone. Well maybe God knows, but he's not on Earth at the moment, so that doesn't count.

Things happen for a reason, I guess. There doesn't ever seem to be a good reason for any of it though, I hate that. It can be crazy at times that is for sure. This life just comes at you with no warning. What are you supposed to do about that? It doesn't make sense to me it would seem. But it is what it is.

Blood Draw

 Had a blood draw today. Halfway through, the tech was asking if I was okay. I told her I was, then I looked down at my arm and about freaked out. I hate having my blood drawn. But what can you do about it? Not much I'm afraid, it's just something that has to be done; that's all there is to it.

The Beginning Of A New Week

 Ah a new week is here. Talk about an adventure to be happening. Life is good, it feels good right now. I don't know how else to explain it, so I'll just leave it at that. Funny how life can come and go long before you are able to even figure it out. So many things to figure out in this life, so many thoughts to combine into one; yet here we are simply trying to get by.

I'm not sure if that's even the right thought process for all of this life. It's something, I'll tell you that. If I had the opportunity to figure things out, I would. But I don't have that ability quite yet. It is something to be worked on that much is for sure. So many things to be worked on and so many things to do. My brain doesn't feel like it has the ability to figure out. I don't want to think about it.

status

 I'm confused about life at the moment. There's not much to say. I don't know what is real and what is fake. Are you real? Am I real? What is real anymore?

Who's To Say This Is Real?

 Reality. What is it exactly? What makes you think it's real?

What if it's all part of a simulation. Like we are different aspects of the same individual. Yet we don't know it. It's not like the Matrix where we're all in stasis chambers filled with goo. No, I'm thinking that we're all just parts of someone's imagination. How does that make you feel?

This person, let's call them John Doe for short, is dreaming somewhere. They're dreaming of us. We don't exist beyond this dream world that we are a part of. Eventually the dreamer will wake up and we will cease to exist. How about that thought?

There are so many different ways to take this. What if this person, John Doe, is in a coma. He's actively dreaming unaware he's in a coma. We exist simply because he wishes us to exist. Now there's an interesting thought. Brings about a whole new thought process about who created who. How the Earth was created. It wasn't. It was simply dreamt up in some unknown person's mind. We don't actually eat food that's placed before us, we imagine it. We have a limited consciousness.

That's all there is to it. That's all there is to life. I for one would like to see what's beyond this consciousness that we call life. What of this dreamer that we know virtually nothing about.

Of course, then comes the thought, if that's all true... this life we're living is a lie. We can't both be in a simulation and not be in one at the same time. So, one of these lives has to be a lie. I don't think I like that thought. Not one bit. If our life is a lie, what on earth are we doing here? There has to be something beyond that we are meant to be doing. If all we are is some thought made up in someone's mind, then we can go extinct at any given moment.

So. Who has the final say in what's real and what's fake in this life? It doesn't quite make sense does it. No, I didn't think so.

I don't mind the thought that we are in a simulation. I just don't like the thought of all the possibilities that are out there because of it. There's got to be a reason for it. Something that will eventually make sense to me. Because I'm halfway convinced that it's real, yet I'm halfway convinced that it's not. There's a predicament there. Which path do you take. Which road will lead to the truth of it all and which one will lead you further down into the lie.

Where does it all end up. In the eye of the dreamer? In the thoughts of those the dreamer has made up. There has to be someplace where it all ends and nothing else can begin. It makes me want to scream. I can't do anything about it. I am trapped in this mental image of myself and there's nothing I am able to do. How do you think that makes me feel? Trapped inside my own mind. Maybe I'm the dreamer and everyone else is the dream. Nothing is real. Not as far as I can imagine it. Now there's an interesting thought.

Of course, maybe my brain is just taking a little trip away from reality at the moment. There's nothing wrong with that right? Aren't we all allowed to step away for a second to regain a sense of who we are? Who we used to be? Something like that. It would be nice to be able to figure all of this out once and for all. Nothing is off the table as far as life is concerned. It's all fresh in our minds.

Did this life being millions of years ago? Did it begin a few minutes ago and we all just have been programmed with memories up to the second we were activated, so to speak. Mindless people without a place to go. Is that all we really are?

I don't know anymore.

Who Knows?

 Ever sit and wonder who is really in control of everything? Like the universe, this Earth, everything that the eye can see and beyond. I'm talking about everything here. Everything covers a lot of things, that much is for sure. I don't know how else to explain it. Some say it's God, other's say it's just a random cosmic being who's out there doing whatever they want to do. There are so many different theories out there, it can get quite confusing.

Personally, I believe we are in a simulation. Well at least I am in a simulation. None of this is real. We are all manifestations of the creator in different forms. Whoever is in charge of this simulation, that's how it works. I don't know if I've been in this simulation for five minutes, or an hour, or years. The memories could have been preloaded into this thing I call a brain. So, who knows how that works. I don't have a clue.

The experiences we have don't matter. That's just how it works. Someone is monitoring everything that goes on. For some reason it amuses them. They see value in all of that, but in reality, there is no value in any of it. Who cares what I do day by day.

The depression and anxiety get annoying at times. I wonder what the reason is for having that. Is it some kind of laboratory experience? Is that all I've become? A lab rat? They run tests on me, see where my levels get and go from there. That's what it sounds like to me. They just want to mess with me is all that's going on. We'll see what happens with all of that. What more torture they can come up with to test me.

What is the purpose of this simulation though? There must be something that is going on to make it make sense. I don't know how that works though. There are probably some kinds of rules that exist for all of this experiment. There would have to be right? That's what I'm thinking.

At the end of the day, none of this is real. It's all made up in someone's mind, and that's all there is to it.

A Nice Place To Visit

 Texas is a nice place to visit but I wouldn't live here. That's all I can really say about that topic. I mean the car congestion alone on the freeway is a bit much for my anxiety ridden brain to handle. The gas prices are good, but it's just not worth living here. I like where I live and that's all there is to it.

I'd like to be able to retire someday. I don't know where I'd like to retire, someplace where there's less stress and like zero anxiety. Yes, that would be something wouldn't it. But that time feels so far away, I don't know exactly when that will happen. Probably when I'm in my late sixties, early seventies. The way things are going, I may never retire and just keep working on the same projects for years to come. Who's to know what that will bring. Retirement is definitely on my goal for the future. Right now, I am content with how things are going. 

Having been in the hospital this past week with my mom, I have learned a lot about patience. That and how you can be tired sitting in a room without any real human interaction. I mean yeah, the nurses pop in and whatnot but you don't want to bother them with questions. Even though it's needed information. Mom's been sleeping a lot which is good. The things are happening the way they are meant to happen.

Life can just be confusing at times. There doesn't seem to be anything I can do about it except wait for whatever there is that's out there waiting for me. Now that does sound ominous doesn't it. There's always something out there waiting for me. I don't know how else to describe it. It could be that I feel there are people that are out to get me at times. I am not safe wherever I tend to go. They are always there waiting and watching me. Does that make sense? There's nothing I can do about it either. I can only hope they'll go away.

They never do go away of course, what would be the point of them doing that? They like to bug me, love to bother me, love to make my life a living hell. After all that's what they want to do, and if I allow it that's exactly what they'll do. Damn voices and people following me. Why must they follow me? I don't understand it. Always lurking, never leaving me alone. I don't know what it is they want. They've bugged my phone; they're looking into my windows. They are out to get me. People don't see it; they don't see the danger that's out there. But it's real. I know it's real and there's nothing I can do about it.

I need to rest from thinking this way. From the fear and everything else that is going on with me. But I can't. I can't seem to figure out what's going on. I can never figure out what's going on, and that scares me. Why would the government want anything to do with me? I have nothing important to give them, I am but a simple human who has their own problems to take care of. The government doesn't need to be involved with that.

Maybe it's a simulation. The voices in my head have told me this. They know it's a simulation and so it must be. There can be no other explanation to it. That's what this life has led me down to. We are all manifestations of a person who is in charge of the simulation. It's his world, I'm just living in it trying to survive. I don't even know if I have a soul or if I have the ability to leave the simulated world. What's beyond the glass as it were. How would that work out? Would I see the creator of it all?

It's a common scenario for me to feel like this, but what else am I supposed to do about it? I can only live and let live. I can only think about what's going on in this life and hope that everything will align up with something. Something tangible I can grab hold of in order to get through this life. There doesn't seem to be much going on when all of that is happening. Life finds a way to mess with things I think, but that doesn't mean it will always be that way.

Life

 What's this life
I've heard of
from a perspective
so far away

It doesn't make sense
for a moment or two
yet here I am
wishing to view

Oh, what a feeling
I'm sure I could have
but I'm not sure it would be
if that feeling is false

So, this life will continue
and so, will I
eventually into the future
without wings to fly

Control

 Sometimes we need to have control over something in our lives. Any kind of control really helps actually. There's nothing wrong with that. You have to feel like you have control over something in your life in order to live accordingly. It would be nice to be able to control every aspect of my life, but I know that's not possible. So, I control what I can and just let whatever else happen. Sometimes that control comes down to just the beard on my face. I keep it because I have control over it. I don't feel like I have control over anything else at the moment, so the beard stays.

I'm not sure if that actually makes any sense to you. It does to me. Maybe that's all which matters. That it makes sense to me. I don't know how else to put it, I just know that if I don't have control over something I'll go crazy. Everyone has to have some kind of control over something in their life. I am no different.

This life will come and go and make you go insane eventually if you allow it. It doesn't mean it's a bad thing, just that it will happen. So, you have to keep a constant watch over whatever it is that you have control over. If you lose that control, you have lost a part of yourself. That's really all there is to it, I think at least.

It would be nice to be able to see what is out there in the future. If I could do that, I think it would be an interesting point of adventure. See all you can do, see what's out there and simply believe it will be able to become something important in your life.

You say it will be okay, but you don't know that for certain. No one can know that for certain. That's just not done. Life doesn't work that way. It's something that will be with me for a long time I know, and that's annoying. But what can I do about it? I'm not sure. If I knew? Then I would tell you. But I don't so I won't.

Maybe that's all I need. Constant reassurance that things will be okay. That the world is not ending. That I will be able to get through this life without that much of a problem. Yeah, I think that would be a nice thing to have. I don't know who would be willing to do that for me though. I don't want to bug or bother anyone with this request.

I wonder what kind of experience this would be if I could get someone to go along with it. To simply tell me everything will be okay. I think that reassurance in life would be amazing. But I doubt anyone would be able to put up with that on a day-to-day basis. So, I best drop it. There's no reason in getting my hopes up for something that isn't a reality.

Reality. Such a strange word. What is real anymore? What is this reality of which I speak? It doesn't make any sense to me, but that's okay, I guess. Something has got to be okay right? I don't know how that's possible if I can't seem to find a way to get through it all. Maybe it doesn't matter in the end of things. If it doesn't matter, then this life doesn't matter.

Who ever said life matters to begin with? I'm not sure how that all works out. There's some reason for existing. I mean there would have to be right? If not, then just being alive is no reason to exist at all. We are here for some kind of reason. There has to be something I don't know about that would make sense to me. If it doesn't make sense, then what is there that will make sense?

Somedays I don't feel like I have control over anything in this life. Even my beard doesn't feel like it's real anymore. That's just how all of this feels at times. I'm not sure why that is the way it is, but I know that's how it all feels at times. So, I will just have to deal with whatever hand I am dealt. That's just how life feels at times, I guess. Who knows what will happen in the end. I don't have a magic crystal ball that will tell me everything that happens.

Am I crazy?

Is that what all of this is about? Am I certifiable? There doesn't seem to be much of a contest against any of it, and here I am wondering why this life is what it is when all I've done is sit here waiting for something to come along and be better than it is. But I'm not sure I understand the question that is brought before me. It's a question that I thought up myself of course, but I don't understand it. How can I understand the question if I don't grasp its core functionality?

There seems to be a lot of things I don't understand in this life. I wish I had some kind of understanding with them. If I can't do that, what's the point of even living in this life? I don't get the point of it all. I need something to feel real. Real would-be good right about now. I don't know where that feeling of reality would come from, but I need it. Is that too much to ask? I'm not sure if it is or not.

I've been in my fair share of issues with life. I've had dealings with things that don't make sense more times than I can count. It all stems from my mind though, that appears to be the problem at its best. If my mind is able to come up with such scenarios, then how am I to progress in life? Is it possible to get past all of this internal thinking? I do not know.

Perhaps life would be better if I weren't around. If I were dead, then people could go about their business without having to worry about me. Ever thought of that? Yeah, I have. I don't have the guts to take my own life though, so I suppose that's a good thing for now.

I remember a time when I worked in an office building. There were a set of stairs in a stairwell. I had thoughts of throwing myself down the stairs hoping I would die. I never had the courage to try it though. I don't know what it was I was afraid of. But it was something for sure. In a way I'm glad I didn't do that, yet in the same breath I'm sad I didn't try.

Other thoughts that come to mind are falling from a moving car. Just opening the door as we're cruising along the highway hoping to fall under a wheel.

What is this obsession with death that I have? It doesn't make any sense to me, yet here I am talking about it. I wish I had a way to figure things out, maybe I do have a way, and I just don't have a clue how any of it is meant to be. I don't know. Not knowing has got to be the worst feeling in the world. I wish I could tell what's going on in this life. It would be best if I could do that. But I can't.

So here's to wishing for things that we cannot control. At least not yet.

What's In A Title

 Sometimes I wonder what to put as a title. Sometimes it's an easy thing to come up with, other times it's not. I think I should start titling posts after I write them. Yeah, that would make so much more sense to me and to the reader probably. Something to think about and consider for sure. But I don't think that's the main reason for this post. No, I think there's something else afoot that needs to be addressed. I just don't know what it will be, so allow me to ramble a little bit and we'll see where I get.

When I was a kid I had a best friend, we did just about everything together. Eventually I moved away and never saw or heard from this friend ever again. I often wonder what happened to her. Did she go to college, get a degree, get married, have kids? Yeah, I tend to wonder what happened to her a lot. Through technology in this day and age, I bet I could find her. But I'm not really motivated to do that. I'll let her life remain a mystery.

Smartphones are a funny thing. They sure do get around. It's amazing what they can do these days. They have more processing power than my first computer. Just a small device in your hand that can do whatever you can dream up. Of course, phones weren't always as smart as they are now. They used to be smaller. It was a race to see who could invent the smallest phone. Now it's a race to see who can invent a larger phone with more of a screen size to it. It can be confusing at times, but we deal with it and hope for something bigger and better the next year. You want AI? We've got that too!

I'm a fan of a good joke here and there. Sometimes on Reddit I look out for jokes that I enjoy. It helps pass the time and whatever comes and goes my way that day. It's just a part of life that I seem to enjoy. A good clean healthy joke can take you a long way.

It's almost noon and I usually have a soda by now. I need to cut down I know but this is ridiculous. Maybe it's just time to be drinking water and seeing where that will take me. Water is good for you. Nice cold and refreshing if you get it right. Lots of ice please.

A cookie is not a good breakfast choice, but it can be delicious. A plate of cookies is even worse, but they too can be delicious. It's something to think about for a second or two. Just something that can be yummy to your tummy but not so good for you. Whoever said "let them eat cake" might have been onto something!

I feel like I am a burden. Like I'm out of place here. I don't belong here; I belong back home. Yet I came here to do something. To take care of something. Now that I can see there's nothing to take care of, nothing to do because it will most likely take place next week. I feel lost. I want to be home with my wife. But I have a few more days here. I don't fly out until Saturday. I knew I should have just gotten a one-way ticket and then gotten a one-way ticket back. Just because I didn't know how long I would need to be here. So, I feel like I'm being a burden on my brother and his family. I don't want to be a burden. It's that simple. I want to be of use, yet I don't know how to be of use. Does that make any sense? I'm not sure if it does.

I don't want to be a burden on anyone. I know when I'm not welcome. I know when I'm not useful. I just know when life gets too much for me to handle. I'm not sure what to do about any of it though. I wish I had a clue, some kind of clue as to where to go and what to do about any of this.

This is where I feel I would be better off dead. I'm no stranger to this thought. If I were dead, things would be much easier for everyone around me. They wouldn't have to worry about me anymore. All that worry? It would be gone. I know people worry about my mental state. It feels like they're talking about me behind my back all the time. What am I supposed to do about that? You would think it would be an easy thing to overcome and whatnot, but I just don't know. Is it paranoia? Or is it something else. I don't know. I wish I had a clue what it was I'm feeling at this moment, but I don't and it's disturbing me.

The mind, it races at times. It's racing faster than I am able to think. I wish I had a moment to just cool down and consider everything that is going on. Yes, that would be a good idea. But I'm not sure I know where to calm down at. How do I eventually stop all of this nonsense from happening to me? I just don't know and that's what makes me mad at myself. I should know what's going on. I should understand because it's my brain that is all wonky. Ya know? I'm not sure I can understand what's going on most of the time. It would be nice to be able to just simply understand. I don't want to be confused anymore. I don't want to be taken for granted. I just want to understand.

I guess you could call this my vent session, or bitch session as it were. Sorry if this isn't the content you came for. But well, it's the content you get. It's a little bit of wondering why this life comes at me so hard at times. Not in a pity me kind of way. No, it's something else. I don't know where to put my finger on it. It has a pulse for sure, but I just don't know how to deal with it. Maybe there isn't anything to deal with and I'm making it all up in my head. Is that a possibility? I don't know. I don't know how any of this life is meant to work out. Yet here I am trying to actually physically think things through and make it have some kind of sense.

If everything I think about is nonsense, and I am here still thinking about it. What does that mean for me? Am I nonsense? Am I just a screw up that doesn't matter anymore? what if this life didn't matter. What if I am obsessed with something that just simply doesn't exist or matter anymore?

They're talking about me. Again. I can feel it. I don't know what they're saying but they're talking about me. Why must they always whisper in my ears? Can't they see I'm right here? They can talk out loud to me if they want to. I don't understand why they must whisper. I don't understand what's going on anymore. They need to figure out what's going on. I can't tell them to shut up myself, because I don't know who they are that are speaking. I just know that they are speaking, and I can't make them shut up. I don't know if they're voices or if they're real. I don't know if they're family members or if they're something else. If they're family members, they need to come out and confront me.

Someone is out to get me. It's that simple. I want to rip my hair out. There's nothing I can do about it. I need to do something though. I can't just sit here and wait for them to show up. I need to do something. Anything to help calm this feeling down of doom. It's all going to end someday. Soon. Everything is going to end, and we won't have a leg to stand on. Why don't people understand that? Why don't they get that? I just wish I could make them understand and have everything be okay again. But I can't. Not until I stop whoever it is that's out to get me. They must be stopped first. Then I should be able to continue on with this life. I don't know though. I just don't know. Nothing makes sense to me anymore. Nothing at all.

Gosh I'm tired now. A nap would be good, but I don't think I would be able to sleep. Not with someone out there. There's something wrong here. Something wrong and I don't know what to do about it. I need to be able to not confuse that which is confusing with that which is not confusing. No, scratch that. It didn't make sense. Gah, why isn't anything making sense to me today. What's the purpose of this life? Why am I here? I don't understand it. I don't get it. What's my therapist going to say when I just start spouting off weird things that don't make sense? Maybe I'll be fine by then. Maybe I'll be okay? I don't know. She'll think I'm nuts.

So, let's determine facts right now.

1. I feel like someone is out to get me.

2. I don't know that for certain someone is out to get me.

3. I might be paranoid.

Yeah, that about sums it up. I'm just having an episode. There's nothing I am able to do about it. I am just worthless. A worthless human being who doesn't have a prayer to his name. God, why must I be going through this thing now? I don't understand it. I don't get it. Tell me, someone please tell me why I'm feeling this way. That's all I want is for someone to tell me why I'm feeling this way. Is there a reason for it? Is there something I am able to do to make it all stop? I just don't know. There's got to be something I can do to calm the waves and make them slow down. I don't want my therapist to see me like this. She can't see me like this. There's too much thought going on in my head.

There's too much going on right now. My mom's sick, my wife's sick, I'm having paranoia and things going on in my head. I don't know how to handle all of it. There's just too much to think about, too much to worry about. Life isn't meant to be this way. Life really isn't meant to be this complicated. Is it just having too much time on my hands being able to think about that which is impossible? Or is it actually possible that these things are real? I do not know what the outcome will be.

So, if this life isn't real anymore, then what is it? Is it possible I've been living in a simulation all along? I don't know or understand how that would work exactly, but I feel we might be getting somewhere if that's the case. I don't know though. It would be nice to be able to figure out what it is I'm being confronted about. What it is I'm being confused about. But my mind doesn't even know. I'm the one who is in this simulation and my mind doesn't know what's going on? How can that be! I wish I could make sense of it all, but I can't. None of it is real. Nothing in my life is real. How does that happen? I don't understand it. I don't seem to get it or understand how that can be.

Whispers in the dark, always whispers in the dark. Waiting for me. Seeing how they can possibly screw things up for me. There has to be something I can do about it. Something I am able to comprehend and make sense from it. But I don't think that will be possible. This life is a bit torn for me. I don't know where this will end up. I wish I had a method of making things make sense. But I currently don't have a way for that to happen. It's exhausting.

They're telling me I'm going to die. I don't know how that will happen though. How am I meant to die if I'm not ready to go? Doesn't make sense to me if you ask me. And you haven't asked me; I'm just posting my opinion about it all for heaven's sake. They followed me here. I couldn't leave them where I was, so they ended up following me here. Is that what happened? I hope it's not. They're coming to get me. That's all I can think about. They are coming to get me. Who are they though? Is it the government? Someone else? I don't know. I just don't understand what's going on anymore. Something doesn't feel right... something doesn't seem right. What is that something? I don't know or have a clue. There's got to be a way out of this cycle I'm in. There just has to be something I can do to make it slow down. Calm down to the point where I am able to figure things out. But what's there to figure out? I don't know.

I need to find a way to be able to figure out what these whispers are going on about. They feel distant to the point where I can't deal with them anymore. They're there. They aren't nice at all. They want me to do something I don't want to do. I keep trying to force them out of my mind, but they won't go. There's got to be a way to make them go away.

Okay I think they quieted down for now. I can still feel them there, but they aren't being as obnoxious. That's okay for me. The last thing I want is for them to be annoying or whatever it is they are. I know they're something but I'm not quite sure what they are exactly.

A hobby would be a good thing to have. I wonder what I could do as a hobby. Painting is a no go; I had a trigger with that when I was in a mental hospital once. All we were painting were trees and that's what triggered it for me for some reason. Puzzles are also a no go, I didn't enjoy doing those either. They didn't trigger me, just got frustrating.

I wonder why I heard whispers this time around and why I felt like someone was out to get me. Is it just the change of location? Too much stress going on? How am I going to explain that to my therapist? There's got to be a simple way to do that. I need to figure that one out before that appointment time comes up in an hour and a half. Yeah, something better come out of that that's good. I don't know though. I hope I'm not just annoying her with my drama. I mean it is what she gets paid for, so maybe I'm not annoying her? Who knows.

Gah, I'm stuck in that darn loop again. I keep thinking about it and I can't seem to be able to get away from these thoughts. I don't know what to do about it. There must be something I can do. Something I can say to myself to calm myself down. Just anything that can be done in order to make things better. I don't know how to make this work out for the better, if that's even possible. I feel so lost right now.

We're back to the simulation aren't we. I feel like I'm in a room and I have no way to escape it. I know the room isn't real, the world I live in isn't real. There's nothing I am able to do about it. I can sleep but I only wake up in the same room living the same day over again. There's nothing new that goes on in this life. Nothing new that I am able to see or even pretend to imagine. You would think I would be able to figure all of this out by now. I've been in it long enough. I mean come on.

A day in the life of me, that's what this blog should be called. Crazy times with me. I wish there were some other way to describe me than crazy. But that's what it feels like most days. I'm crazy and there's nothing I can do about it. So, I'll just keep to myself and wonder what will happen when it all comes crashing down to nothing. It will come crashing down eventually. You know that right? I mean it has to.

But for now, let's just enjoy life.

This Confusing Life

 Life gets so confusing at times. I don't know what to do about it. I feel like I should be in one place and I'm not. I feel the need to be there, but yet again I'm not. Am I being selfish because I'm not there? Because I'm looking out for my own mental health? One might think that would be the case, but I don't know. It would be nice to be able to figure it out for once. Yet here I am twiddling my stupid thumbs hoping for some clue.

A simple fix for all of this would be nice as well. But I can't do that without the help of my doctor. Either of them. Which I cancelled appointments because I needed to be here for a reason. Looking back on it now, I could have stayed home. But I needed to come. Gah. I'm going in a loop, and I don't know what to do about it.

The music plays on, and I am here wondering about life in its general disposition. Is that even an accurate phrase? Who knows. I'll have to Google it later. Or Bing it. Hell does people even Yahoo anymore. For a while there were search engine wars back in the day aside from the browser wars. It all just came out to be whatever it was, and people went along with what they wanted to use.

Am I a bad son for choosing therapy over seeing my mother in the hospital? Granted it's only one day, but still, I feel guilty. What if something happens? I mean nothing will probably happen, she's stable and all of that but still that "what if" lingers.

Living life in the fast lane can be difficult at times. I'm not sure how to navigate any of it. Yet I keep on kicking somehow. Keeping my feet moving forward, my back to the wind as it pushes me. Something like that. I don't know how best to put it. It's just life.

Then there's the illness. Or whatever you wish to call it. Mental illness? Yeah, that's appropriate. It's something I live with every day and deal with. I wonder at times if I even have what they say I have. It would be nice to be able to say I don't and move on with life. But then the voices come and tell me otherwise. Oh, they tell me to kill myself and to just let go. It will be better if I gave up. Those kinds of things. I do my best to ignore them, but it's not easy to ignore when they're blasting in your ear for what seems like the thousandth time that day.

A lot has been going on lately. Like a lot a lot. Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to simply open the door on a fast road and jump out. Hoping the car will hit me on my way down and I'll simply be free from this life. Don't tell anyone I said that. They'll lock me away for sure.

Not that being locked away is a bad thing. I've been locked away in a mental hospital before on a few occasions and they go okay. Well locked away isn't the right term for it. They put me in a nice room without anything to do except for their prescribed activities. You have groups to go to. Music to listen to during coloring time, things like that. They get you adjusted to medications you haven't been on before. It turns out to be a good experience for all, really it does. In some places if you get out of hand, they put you away for a day or two and then bring you back into normal population. I always wondered what goes on behind those doors. Probably something like solitary just to cool your heels for a day or so.

So, I just live life to the best I can. There's not much else I can do about it. It's just life, I guess.

Something Something Something

 Ever forget something and you're like; well, it's something? Yeah, that happens a lot to me. I don't know why that tends to happen, but it does. So, I just roll with it. It would be nice if it didn't happen to me. But I know there's only so much I can do to avoid such chaos, and chaos it sure is.

So, what are we supposed to do when this happens? Buckle in and enjoy the ride I always say. Okay I might not always say that, but it's a good enough phrase, right? Right! Life tends to happen that way. We come to this Earth, learn a few lessons (hopefully some of them actually stick), and then get out of here. Funny how that all works out.

It would be nice to be able to control such situations. But I don't think control is in the game plan here. There are so many "would be nice" things to have in life. Yet here we are waiting to see what will actually happen with any of it. Does it go one way or the other? You know the kind of thinking I'm thinking about here.

If life were to calm down for a second so I could catch my breath, that would be fantastic. Things seem to be happening at a thousand miles a second lately. I'm not sure why that is to be honest. But I'm sure this won't be the only time it happens. There will be other times that life steps in and knocks the wind out of me.

It's Not Easy

 Life doesn't feel easy at times. I don't know how else to explain it. It's just life, I mean what else is there to it? Well, there appears to be a lot to it that I don't understand. I wish I understood it all, but I doubt that will be a possibility. Let's face it, life can be difficult.

So many things to wish for and believe in, yet I'm not quite the believing type. I know that's on me, and I need to be better at that. I need to believe in some kind of supreme being of sorts. That they have my best interests at heart and all of that. But it's difficult to do when you can't see them. Can't talk to them. Can't hear them etc. I need something physical I can actually touch, and I don't have that.

I've prayed about it a lot and I don't think prayer is working out for me. Maybe meditation would work out better, I don't know. Maybe religion just isn't for me. But if there is a chance that there is a God, He wouldn't be down for that now would he. No, I didn't think so. That's what makes it difficult.

Either there is a God who is directing everything in the universe or there isn't one. If there isn't one and we're all just piddling around down here. Then great. Nothing changes. But on the off chance there is one? There will be hell to pay when the end time comes.

That's what I'm afraid of the most. Not knowing. They say to have faith and all of that. How can I have faith when my logical brain is telling me no. Do you see the problem I am facing? It always comes back to the same question. Is there a God or not. I thought I knew. Now I'm not so sure. I don't want to offend Him if He does exist naturally. I hope He would understand my confusion at this time in my life. If He doesn't understand? Well, that's a pickle now isn't it.

So many things to wish for, so many things to hope for. Either they are true, or they are not. There is no middle ground. I feel lost at times. So lost and there's nothing I am able to do about it. It would be nice to be able to figure it all out once and for all and to stick to that plan. I don't know how to do that. What if the way I choose is the wrong way? Will I be happy with my choices? If I just live a good life, is that enough? I don't have a clue.

Not having a clue can sometimes be a blessing in disguise. You simply can't have all the answers all of the time. So, if that happens then you'll have something to think about. Yeah, it goes something like that. I'm not sure if that's even the right wording for any of it, but that's just how it is.

I wonder if there's something out there that will tell me the answers I want to know. If that being is God? Then I sure hope He'll do it one of these days.

That's just life.

Hospitals

 Dealing with some things as of late. Two people who I care about dearly are both having heart problems. I feel torn across the country as they live in different states. I can't physically be there for both of them at the same time. So, I had to choose. I keep going back and forth in my mind if I made the right choice. Who I should be with at this critical stage of time etc. I hope I made the right choice. I simply don't know.

Not knowing is a big thing to deal with somedays. Here they are under two different doctors at two different hospitals under different care. One more critical than the other. Yet still both having problems.

It's not an easy thing to say the least. I wish I could be there for both of them. But I can't. I pray for both of them that they will both come out of their operations okay, and nothing will befall them. I don't know how else to put it. I only ask for God's help if He's out there and listening to me.

Ending Your Life

 There's a lot of controversy about ending your live, ceasing your existence. I don't understand what's wrong with wanting to die. One would think it should be up to the individual if they wish to die or not. If they feel their time is up, then they should be able to terminate their status of living. Yet people get all up in arms about it. They interfere saying it's not that person's place to want to terminate their own existence.

Who's to say it's not their right to die? If they are done with this life, let them simply end their life. There's no reason for them to continue on if that's not what they want. What if they are suffering from some kind of illness where there's no cure. Would you force them to continue to live in that pain and agony?

I would propose that people should be allowed to terminate their own lives if they wish. They choose to do anything else with their life, why would ending it be anything different?

People who force others to live are playing God in a sense aren't they? Telling someone they have to continue living even if that way of living is a personal hell to them. It doesn't make sense to me. If someone is up, they are up. There's no if ands or buts about it.

Obviously, I am probably in the minority in this train of thought. Most people would want to force a person to live out their life no matter how miserable it is. It just doesn't feel fair to me. That's all there is to it. Why should someone be forced to live when they don't want to? To want to end your life is considered something wrong with you. All of a sudden you are mentally ill and need to be taken care of.

It just doesn't make any sense to me.

Yes, people would be sad by your passing and all of that, but they'll get over it. It's just a part of grief that everyone will experience eventually. So, what's so wrong with allowing it to happen? Isn't that what hospice does? Make people comfortable as they're on the way out the door?

Maybe that's a bad example, hospice doesn't assist in suicide in anyway. They are there to help make sure patients aren't in pain and suffering as they are knocking on deaths door.

Maybe I'm just thinking about all of this the wrong way. I don't know. Does it really matter though? Does any of this really matter? I doubt it. What's this life for anyways. Are we here to gain experiences and see what happens with those experiences? I just don't know. It would be nice to be able to figure things out once in a while. But I doubt it will ever be understood by this brain.

I don't see how it would hurt anyone. Would people be sad someone has passed? Yes of course they would. But that's part of life. It's just another step in life, that's all there is to it.

Saying that I want to end my life, shouldn't come as a surprise. It's something I've just wanted to do. I want to see what's on the other side of life. Is that such a bad thing? I don't know. It would be a simple thing to happen. You wouldn't even have to think it through; there are so many things that you just don't need to think through.

Am I mentally ill because I wish to die? That I wish to end it all? There is nothing else I want to do with my life. So why not allow me to end it? There's no point in worrying about death. Everyone will go through it eventually. Will it hurt? Yes, in some cases I imagine it will hurt bad.

But the moment you say you wish you were dead, someone sends you off to the hospital in order to be analyzed and checked out. If they feel like you need to stay for a week or so, they will do it. There's no need for it in most cases, but some cases it is needed, I guess. It doesn't make sense to me.

Just let me die. That's all I'm asking for. No one should have a say in it but me. Call me selfish if you wish, call me whatever you want to call me, but it's the truth.

Whoever thought there's a problem with wanting to die never felt the way someone who wants to die feels. Is that a possibility that no one ever thinks about? I wish I had a clue, I wish I knew what to think about it all but there doesn't seem to be anything that I can say to make people want to believe this way of thinking is okay.

They want to force you to live. When you live in hell, there's nothing good about it. I guess that's what it all comes down to. Am I living in hell, and what am I going to do about it so I no longer feel that way. Maybe the whole mentally ill thing has a place. It's not fair to those loved ones around me to say I live in hell. What I mean to say is I live in my mind. My mind lives in hell because of the thoughts that come to me at times. That's all there is to it. Does that make sense? I would never want them to think they are making my life a living hell. They don't. They are amazing. I make my own hell in my brain. That's the hell I'm talking about.

The voices that creep into my head at times. The thoughts I have, they can just get the fuck out of my life if they'd like. Will they? I doubt it. It would be nice to be able to just figure out what it is I want in this life. If I want to end it, then I should be allowed to end it.

But people don't understand that. They think everyone should be allowed to live or forced to live in this case. That's all there is to it. In their mind it's made up. Well, I say it's not fair. They can have their way of living; I should be able to have my way of living or not living as the case may be. That's really all there is to it.

There's no way to explain to these people what it is I want in life. I try to explain it to them, and they start judging or forcing their own doctrine and thoughts into my face. How is that fair? How in the hell are their values more important than mine? I don't get it. I wish I could explain better what it is my thoughts are saying. I wish I could express them out loud and people wouldn't turn a blind eye to them. I just don't understand why my thoughts on living are wrong and their thoughts are right.

If I had a way of understanding what it is they think of when it comes to life, maybe I would understand it better. But I only have my way of thinking what life is. There's no other way to think about it for me and that's what causes the problems.