Yesterday was April Fools Day. I chose not to participate in it. There seemed to be no reason to. Because of that no one was able to prank me either. It was a blissful day to be certain.
Personally I don't understand the need to prank other people. There just doesn't seem to be a reason for it. I get people enjoy it and all of that, but I don't see the appeal of it all. Oh well, to each their own I suppose.
I don't think I'll be participating in next years event either.
Had some crazy dreams last night. I don't remember them all, but I do know they were just plain crazy. I wonder why the mind thinks up these thoughts and considers them dreams. It doesn't make any sense most of the time, yet here we are and those are the dreams to be had.
Let's face it, I'm not a fan of life. I hate it. There I said it. Does that surprise you? If it does? You don't know me that well. It's just what this life is all about. People constantly seeking other people's praise. What is going on with that? There's no reason for it. You don't need praise from other people to make yourself look or feel better. Sure it can help, but it won't last. So I hate this life.
Life needs to be better than it currently is. I know only I can make that change in my own life, like you are the only person who can make that change in your life. It is what it is. That's all there is to it. So you deal with it and move forward the best you are able to. There's no other thing keeping you from doing it, except yourself.
If I had the ability, I would simply remove myself from the equation. However there's something blocking me from doing that. There's no reason to keep that thought process going. I'm here to stay, unfortunately, so there's that.
If I could die, I would. There's nothing keeping me here really. There's nothing keeping me calm and resting, there's just nothing here for me. I keep saying that over and over again in my head, and yet here I still am. So something is keeping me here, I just don't know what it is.
Life doesn't feel fair most days. I don't know how else to describe it. The anxiety rises as does the depression within me and I just don't know what to do about it. Sure I take my medication and prescribed and all of that but sometimes it just doesn't feel like it helps. I know I know, go see my doctor and see what they can do. But sometimes it doesn't feel like the doctor even listens to what I have to say and they do whatever they feel like doing.
Get another doctor you say. Easier said than done. Takes time to find a doctor and to find one who I can trust. Yeah they all have the same credentials and all of that, but someone who will take time to listen to me, that's what I need. I know my body more than they do. I'm the one hearing the voices and whatnot. Why can't they just see it for what it is.
Ever have that feeling that no one is listening to you? Yeah, that feeling. It can be a strong feeling to have, a hurtful feeling also. The worst is when a psychiatrist says they're listening but all they do is toss medications at you. I mean yeah, the medications are good to work with, but when you don't feel seen or heard it can drop you down low.
I don't know if I'm making any sense right now. I do believe I'm going through an episode of sorts. It's not fun at all and I know that. Hell, anyone who goes through this illness knows that.
Let's face it, this life isn't easy. Ther are things that we must do daily in order to survive. It can feel like you don't have any control over anything. Personally, I don't like feeling like this. Powerlessness is like the worst thing you can go through. Yet here we are wondering what there is to do about this life. Life has an interesting way to let you know you're alive.
I suppose it's that simple. If simple is even the right word to use here. I'm not quite certain.
There are days where this life feels like it's a chore. There's nothing going on that's important, and we are just doing our mundane things in and out. Every day the same thing. It's consistent, I'll give you that, but it can be boring.
Sometimes you just have to go with the crowd and see what happens. There isn't a reason for it not to work out I guess, but well what can you do about it? Not much I'm afraid, not much at all. That's alright though, you have the power within you to survive. That's what's important for the most part.
Okay, Ghosts this week was an interesting one. I hope they don't keep the Carol character around much and she gets sucked off quickly. But if she has to stick around, Pete isn't going to do well with that at all. So, the gist is, Carol died in the kitchen during a Halloween party. So now she's part of the property and can't leave. Poor Pete. I'm not a fan of Carol, let's face it.
And we find that Flower is in the bottom of well. When she was an owl, she must have fallen down there somehow, and poof gone. Or maybe she didn't get sucked off like we thought? She said she's been down in the well for a month and can't get out. So, who knows what's going on with that. I mean she might not have been sucked off at all. Interesting thought process.
