Life Happens Only Once

 Life tends to happen only once. There's nothing wrong with that. It comes and goes before you are able to even blink your eyes at it. It really isn't that difficult of a process. Life just tends to happen. I don't know how it happens, just that it happens. It's an odd thought process to think about. But it is part of the equation which this life stems from. It would be nice to be able to understand all about what is going on, but I don't think there's a way to grasp what it is all about. So, we continue forward hoping that something will happen in a good turnabout of events. If those events don't happen though, life won't be able to turn out the way we want it to. I bet this life has things planned for me that I don't even know about yet. It would be nice to be able to figure all of that out now though. Maybe in time I will be able to figure out things that I do not understand now. That would be an ideal situation.

I wish I had the ability to look into my own future and see all there is to see. If I could grasp onto that future and never let go, if it's a good future of course, then I would do that. Does that sound crazy? It might to some. I'm not sure if that would be the case for most interested parties. Who are those interested parties though, I do not know.

Maybe there is a time in life that just makes sense to everyone. Wouldn't that be an amazing feat? I think it would be. Something has to happen before any of that can take place. I don't know how it works. That's all there is to it.

If a mental hospital would make everything better, I would land myself in there. But those places only work for a little while. They don't tend to do good long term. That's where therapy and psychologists come into play. They help out immensely.

It's funny how life tends to just come at us without warning. I wish I could tell reality from what's fake somedays.

I'm all alone. I have no one. What will I do when I have an episode? What will I do when I have issues that I just can't figure out and contain? So many what ifs. I don't know what to do about any of them. I just don't know how to control these emotions I have going on at the moment. There must be someway to overcome whatever these emotions are.

Everything Goes Underwater

 No matter how you live this life, it will always tend to go underwater. You get swept away in the tide and out into the drink as it were. There's no escaping it. You're going to drown. That's all there is to this life. Drowning and then the not drowning, but the not drowning is much more uncommon than the drowning.

So, there you are trying to tread water. You know you can only do it for a minimal amount of time. There's nothing wrong with that, but sooner or later you're going under.

Life feels like a huge ocean wave crashing down on me at the moment. I don't know how to respond. I don't know how to do any of it. No matter how high I keep my head above water, I seem to get pulled under. My emotions, my feelings, everything is just coming to a head at the moment. I don't like it.

Something To Think About

 Give me something to think about. It doesn't have to be difficult of a task, or easy. It can be anything. Seriously. Anything to think about would be a blessing in disguise. I mean sure I have things to think about, but they are never exciting, and I am never up to the challenge. So, there we have it. A problem that needs fixing.

Feelings come and go; there's no way of stopping them. They need to do their thing in order for a human to function. Without emotion we wouldn't be able to feel anything. That would be a sad dismal place to be in. I'm not quite sure how else to explain it. It just has to happen on its own. That's what this life does for a person. That's what this life needs to do for a person.

Not much else can be said at this point. Be safe. Safe travels.

Why Must I Live

 It's the age-old question. Why must I live? What's the purpose of living anymore. Breathing in air and seeing all there is to see. What is the purpose of it all. I don't understand any of it. Why must I exist. I didn't ask to be born, I didn't ask to exist. There's nothing good about life. Everything has its way to go south and it usually does. There's no reason to live. People don't understand how tormenting this is for me. They don't get why I feel this way. I don't understand how people can just live their lives like there is nothing wrong. There are so many things wrong in this world, I can't even begin to name them all. Why can't I grasp a simple thing like existing. There seems to be too many thoughts running around in my head why I shouldn't be able to understand any of it. So, I continue to move forward. Wherever that will take me. I do not know.

Staying with a friend and his family. I feel nothing but a burden to them. There's nothing to do about it. I don't know what to do about any of it. I wish there were some way to get past this. A way to simply get what I need and cut loose. There's got to be a way to do that. So, I'm not a burden to anyone anymore. I have to figure out a way to make all of that happen. There must be a way. If I could find a way to make any of that happen, I probably wouldn't be any better off mentally. I hate my life. There's nothing I can do to make my life any better than it is right now. I need to figure out a plan. No one can know about it; they would stop me if they did. But what is it I want to do? Where will I go? How will I end up? Too many questions to things I won't ever have an answer for.

So, what happens to me?

It's a simple question, isn't it? I mean one would think so. If it's not, I need to find a different question to ask. Something with a little more meat to it perhaps. There has to be something I can do, something I can understand and seek out to simply see all that is going on. I don't believe there is a way to overcome any of this at my present condition. It's something I have to figure out by myself. No one can help me. Maybe this time things will be different. The other two times are different in the fact they didn't go through. But this time. This time is something way different.

I'm discarded, unwanted, unloved, a piece of scrap thrown to the dogs at the table. That's what I feel like right now. I had to leave; there was no staying not even another day. Your life is what you make of it. I don't quite understand how to make my life anything. I'm lost in that department. There's nothing out there to make me believe or think something of worth is really out there. I have no worth left in me. I am nothing, a nobody. What is wrong with me?

I would like to think there is something out there for me. Someone I can have a relationship that will last. I don't know how to make any of that work though. There doesn't seem to be a simple place where I am able to do what it is I need to do. I'm a stranger, lost, alone, and confused. There doesn't seem to be a place for me to lay my head where I don't feel like a burden to anyone. If I could figure out what to do, where to go, and how to do it; I think I would be better off. But for now, I am just lost.

Don't worry about me. I always say. I'll figure it out someday. There's nothing to worry about. Nothing a sharp knife can't handle. An overdose of medicine maybe. Harmful poisons, yes those are all possible. There's one problem with that plan. I'm too chicken to do it. So that won't be happening. I need to be able to find a way to get out of this life peacefully. Something I can handle, something that will help me. Anything that will simply make this life look not as bad, is that possible?

Depression

 I have been diagnosed with Depression with Psychosis. Or something like that. Basically, when my depression gets really bad, psychosis tends to join in the fun. Hallucinations, the works. After having thought I had schizoaffective disorder for so long, and then to find out it's actually this. Yeah, major mind blow. Of course, the treatments are closely related from what I understand. So, I am working my best to grasp and understand what's going on in my life in order to battle this mental illness. I'm sure back in the day they would have admitted me to an insane asylum. Who knows what kind of "treatments" they offered their patients back then.

I feel lost at the moment. I don't know how to get out of this hole which I have dug for myself. It would be nice to be able to figure this out and simply understand why I am like this. I doubt I will be able to figure that out. When you live with something like this, it's not an easy thing to just figure out. Therapy and psychologists need to be in the mix in order to be able to help figure everything out. I currently don't have either of those going on for me. So, I need to figure something out.

My support system has gone down the tubes as well. It's a long story. One I don't feel like I can get into at the moment. But needless to say, I feel like I have no one. I'm in a house full of people and I feel so alone. Staying with a friend until I can get back on my feet. It's not the most ideal situation but it's something. I'm grateful they were willing to put up with me. I feel so useless at the moment. There has to be something I am able to do to get through all of this. Something I can do to just survive. Am I in survival mode yet? I don't know. It would be nice to be able to figure out what exactly I am meant to do in this life. Because I don't feel like I have a clue at the present moment in time.

So, life will continue until it doesn't. Unfortunately, I choose not to take control over when my life ends. That's up to God or whoever is in charge of this life. I wish I knew when that time was coming. I'm so miserable down here on this Earth. There's no other way to put it. Being miserable isn't fun and I just don't know how to go about doing anything about it. If there was a simple way of going about it, I would do that. But there only looks like the hard way is there to go through. So, I must go through that direction in order to figure things out.

Disassociation has always been there when things get too rough. I have no other option but to do that at the moment. I know it's not the best thing to do, but it's what I do. So, I will just have to deal with it until I can find a better way to figure things out.

The intrusive thoughts get worse over time. They tell me lies about things that don't make sense. Lies that are meant to deceive me. I try not to listen, but there are times that I just have to listen because there is nothing else to listen to. It gets annoying at times, and I don't know what to do with it. What is it about this life that just makes me want to scream? I don't understand it. There has to be something I can do to just make it better, or have it made sense. I don't believe I will ever grasp that which I am to. I'll have to live with that thought for as long as I live.

Being told that someone can't stand you is another pickle to be taken seriously. I guess friendships aren't meant to last. That's just how this life happens though. I wish I had a clue of how it's meant to work out and all of that. But I don't understand any of its inner workings. So, I must deal with whatever I am dealt. It's like a game of cards. You can throw some away but at the end of the day, you have to deal with what hand you are given.

It's a lot like mental health. You are dealt a hand, and you have to play that hand until you can't play it anymore. That's all there is to it.

Anxiety Is A Bitch

 I suffer from General Anxiety Disorder, among other things. It's a bitch. Being in crowded places, small rooms, whatever it is you name it I feel it. Airplanes are the worst. Well not the airplanes themselves, but the airports. So many people headed this way and that way to their destinations. It can be so overwhelming at times. I absolutely hate it. There aren't a lot of people who understand this chaos I'm in. They try and suggest, oh why don't you try xyz. Yeah, tried it, it doesn't work. Or what about this? No, that's not how any of this works. If they could only understand what it is I go through every day of my life. I'm sure there are things they go through that they wish other people would understand as well.

I have other symptoms that get in my way. Paranoia is one of them. Being paranoid at something that isn't real is really a humdinger. I hate it. It's the worst possible thing to go through. Well aside from hearing voices. They all just come and go without a moment's notice or warning. Never know when they'll creep up and scare me alive. It would be nice to be able to get rid of these things for what they're worth. But I don't have a clue how any of it will be that way. It's just something I don't know how to deal with. Therapy has helped a little bit, but I need a lot more of it in order to be able to figure it out.

Then there's the depression. Major depression disorder, I think they called it. Oh, with psychosis attached. I don't really know what to do with these two together. I suppose I just have to deal with them. There's no reason to feel this way, I know that to be true. But here I am feeling this way. I wish I could understand what was going on half of the time, but I don't so I accept it.

Maybe I should have titled this, Mental Illness is a Bitch. Yeah, that might have been a much better term for it. But who knows what's going on anymore. The title is set, that's okay.

I Can't Stop You

There are so many things going on in this life that matter to some and not to others. I can't stop you from going out and making a fool of yourself. There's no way to figure out what to do in a situation, you have to just trust your gut and move forward. But I can't stop you from making that decision once your mind has been made up. It's not my place. There are so many things to try and figure out in this life, and that is not one of them. Why should it be?

People make up their minds on what they will and will not do in a given situation. That's all there is to it. There's nothing wrong with that, it just tends to happen more times than not. I don't know how else to put it, but that's just how it is. I just don't know.

Maybe there is something out there in the universe that will allow for people to all grasp and understand whatever is going on in this life. Is there such a thing? I'm not sure if there is or not. That's simply what goes on in life I suppose. It's nothing fancy mind you, just a little bit of this and a little bit of that mixed in together.