Head Cold

 I've found myself having a head cold. It sucks. I don't really know where it came from, but it's there. My head feels cloudy and sounds hurt it. My nose won't stop running and I'm developing a cough. So yeah that just plain sucks. Oh well everyone gets sick from time to time I suppose.

Racing Thoughts

 There are times where I cannot help the thoughts that come into my mind. They're racing and I feel like I don't have any control over them. It would be nice to be able to not have these thoughts, but I don't know how to do that. I simply don't have a clue how to not have these thoughts.

I'm sure you're wondering what kinds of thoughts I'm having. Well, they stem from all walks of life I'm afraid. Anything and everything you can imagine (within reason), I've probably thought about. Nothing too out there or crazy mind you, but sometimes just flirting on the edge of whatever it is.

Some might call these intrusive thoughts. Thoughts that pop into my head and I have no control over them. Yeah, they tend to do that a lot. Nothing I can do to stop them I'm afraid, but well what's new in that area of life? Not much at all.

So, I suppose I'll just have to deal with them. If they choose to leave me alone, they will do so. If they don't wish to leave me alone? Then I will simply have to deal with them. Talk about a crazy time to be alive. If I could control what they communicate to me that would be a different story entirely.

April Fools Day

 Yesterday was April Fools Day. I chose not to participate in it. There seemed to be no reason to. Because of that no one was able to prank me either. It was a blissful day to be certain.

Personally I don't understand the need to prank other people. There just doesn't seem to be a reason for it. I get people enjoy it and all of that, but I don't see the appeal of it all. Oh well, to each their own I suppose.

I don't think I'll be participating in next years event either.

Dreams can be weird

 Had some crazy dreams last night. I don't remember them all, but I do know they were just plain crazy. I wonder why the mind thinks up these thoughts and considers them dreams. It doesn't make any sense most of the time, yet here we are and those are the dreams to be had.

I Hate Life

 Let's face it, I'm not a fan of life. I hate it. There I said it. Does that surprise you? If it does? You don't know me that well. It's just what this life is all about. People constantly seeking other people's praise. What is going on with that? There's no reason for it. You don't need praise from other people to make yourself look or feel better. Sure it can help, but it won't last. So I hate this life.

Life needs to be better than it currently is. I know only I can make that change in my own life, like you are the only person who can make that change in your life. It is what it is. That's all there is to it. So you deal with it and move forward the best you are able to. There's no other thing keeping you from doing it, except yourself.

If I had the ability, I would simply remove myself from the equation. However there's something blocking me from doing that. There's no reason to keep that thought process going. I'm here to stay, unfortunately, so there's that.

If I could die, I would. There's nothing keeping me here really. There's nothing keeping me calm and resting, there's just nothing here for me. I keep saying that over and over again in my head, and yet here I still am. So something is keeping me here, I just don't know what it is.

Life Isn't Fair

 Life doesn't feel fair most days. I don't know how else to describe it. The anxiety rises as does the depression within me and I just don't know what to do about it. Sure I take my medication and prescribed and all of that but sometimes it just doesn't feel like it helps. I know I know, go see my doctor and see what they can do. But sometimes it doesn't feel like the doctor even listens to what I have to say and they do whatever they feel like doing.

Get another doctor you say. Easier said than done. Takes time to find a doctor and to find one who I can trust. Yeah they all have the same credentials and all of that, but someone who will take time to listen to me, that's what I need. I know my body more than they do. I'm the one hearing the voices and whatnot. Why can't they just see it for what it is.

Ever feel like no one is listening?

 Ever have that feeling that no one is listening to you? Yeah, that feeling. It can be a strong feeling to have, a hurtful feeling also. The worst is when a psychiatrist says they're listening but all they do is toss medications at you. I mean yeah, the medications are good to work with, but when you don't feel seen or heard it can drop you down low.

I don't know if I'm making any sense right now. I do believe I'm going through an episode of sorts. It's not fun at all and I know that. Hell, anyone who goes through this illness knows that.